Licking My Wounds
Well, I met Alat the bus and as I was pushing him up the ramp, I told him I had a…
Well, I met Al at the bus and as I was pushing him up the ramp, I told him I had a big surprise for him. He didn’t say anything.
I got him inside and pushed him up to the waiting cars. He said,”Wow, are these for me?” I said yes and I know I was dancing like little pigs and I was smiling from ear to ear. He looked at them but didn’t touch any. I talked to him about them but he said nothing. I asked him if I could take his picture holding one and he said yes. I placed one in his hand and snapped the two photos above.
That was it, it was over, all done with , dance gone. I guess I am in denial. I expected the old Al. I want to pretend somewhere deep in my mind that he really isn’t that sick. He is just a little sick.
I thought I was adjusted, but I guess not. Al liked the cars, I am sure of it, but me, I crumbled inside because he wasn’t dancing that pig dance with me. There were no big grins or laughter, no spark in his eye. I asked him three times before I got that smile you see, and as soon as the snap was done, the smile left.
I pushed him to the new clock and he looked at it. He asked a couple of questions and then it was gone too.
I wanted to sit down and cry. I want my old Al back. I want to hear the chatter and the laughter again. I pushed him up to the table and he waited for his supper. I gave him Kiwi for the first time. He hesitated but he did eat it. I think he could take it or leave it. I had a pork chop and he is refusing meats unless they are mushy. He also doesn’t want me to puree them either. He says they look funny.
So he had a hot dog cut up with ketchup, mashed potatoes, cut-up tomatoes, and hominy. He ate the hominy, tomatoes and kiwi because he could use his fingers. He ate two bites of mashed potatoes but since he had to use silver ware, he gave up because he was too weak to use the utensils.
I was reading the Hospice book today on signs of someone in their last six months. I hated it so much that I recognized a few of Al in the symptoms. Al used to drink a lot, but anymore he drinks less than half of what I pour. His appetite is definitely down, which the book said thirst and appetite decline as the body does. It also said not to force them or to shame them if they don’t eat well.
After supper I asked him, “Do you want to go back over to the couch and play with your cars?”
“No, I want to brush my teeth and go to bed.”
Well that was that. Somehow I have got to get my mind in the right setting because I am sitting here licking my wounds expecting more but receiving less.
I guess I will look at the positive in this. He is here with me at home. He ate and drank some. He did the smile for the camera. He waved at me when he saw me from the bus when they were letting him down on the lift.
This is a recipe that my Grandma made up until she could no longer sit or stand to cook. As she got older, her love for cooking never ended, and so she would get an old wooden stool and sit in her kitchen cooking.
Today, she is 96, and although, she has remained firmly planted to the old ways of cooking, where you used lard, instead of canola oils, and she ate gravy every day and fried every meat, instead of baking, she is a very healthy woman still.
Here is her recipe, that I use still, in fact, I made it yesterday, a big pot, and shared it with Al and my son and his family, and there is one small bowl left, so this tells me I still got the knack!
Home Made Potato Soup With Rivals
Peel potatoes and cut up bite size. Cook until almost complete. While potatoes are cooking, break two to four eggs, depending on how much soup you want, using a whisk, beat them up, add salt and pepper for taste, then mix enough flour to make a pizza dough firmness. With fingers take pieces of dough and roll off of your fingers, allowing smaller pieces to fall in
I am usually so strong, so I can hardly believe I feel so weak and tired. It is only 7:30pm, and I have hours to go before I can go to bed, since Al stays awake so long from his tremors. I sometimes think that it is also partly a habit by now, that his eyes do not want to close until 3:30am. So I will be safe and say it is a mixture of the two.
It was a busy, busy day. No, I didn’t have to clean in the house. I did find the minutes to do a load of Al’s laundry since we changed beds out this morning, and I have just now folded them.
Thanks to so many prayers, my head no longer hurts, and my shoulders do not feel too much pain, but my eyes are so droopy. Is this due to stress or the day of visitors, or maybe just both.
I want to apologize for not responding to too many blog comments or read too many today. Every time I sit down to the PC, my eyes get weary and fuzzy from lack of sleep.
I read two blogs that spoke of me and Al, so I reblogged them so you could read them also. The one was the visit from the blogger friend, who came here to meet Al and me yesterday, and the other is a very nice man who talked about me being so strong.
Guilt sort of came over me after reading his remarks, as today, I don’t feel the strength at all. I feel like I have worked in the fields of a slave owner. I am going to lay down on the couch out here where Al is also lying on the opposite end of the wrap-a-round, and I hope Al forgives me, because I know I will be out. I should not do that, but I am hoping, that since I am a light sleeper, I will hear him moving, or trying to get up.
Everyone showed up today, the nurse, occupational therapist, physical therapist, and the bed company, along with a nice surprise of my granddaughter and daughter-in-law. I tried very hard to turn my head when I had to yawn. LOL
I had made a batch of potato soup today during the breaks of visitors. I had made a white sauce and had cubed potatoes, bacon, fresh sliced carrots and many spices. It was waiting for us for supper. Al said he wasn’t very hungry, and I begged him to eat a little, which he finally did.
I hate to see him lose weight, as he has already lost 53 pounds, so I told him a big thank-you for eating a small bowl of it. I feel so bad for him. He has asked many questions today, which I expected. He was told to put his canes into retirement, and another walker was sent out, so now he has two. One for bare floors and one for carpets. This is really confusing to him, but I just kept saying all day, everyone cares about you so much, we all just want to make sure we do our best to not let you fall. I think I must have said it at least 20 times.
When supper was over, I cleaned up the mess, and placed the left-overs in the refrigerator, and pushed the magic button on the dish washer. Thank-you Ms dishwasher, for not making me stand here tonight.
The tears are fifty per cent gone now and the house is quiet except for the dishwasher and Jeopardy, so I am getting off of here. I am so sorry to all, but I can not stay awake any longer.
Look at this award! I am a Hot Potato tonight!
I think I should feel pretty lucky about this, shouldn’t I?
Doesn’t everyone love potatoes? Fried, baked, mashed, twice baked, french fried, boiled, potato chips. It is the number one side dish that we all love but are too afraid to eat anymore because of carbs.
I have this thing about carbs. I am a diabetic, so I am supposed to watch my carbs and sugars, and salts, and fats. Geesh! I guess I can eat nothing that is good, but lettuce.
I can remember back to my grandparents and even my husband’s grandparents, and see that their number one side dish was potatoes almost every single day. Plus they had meat, and vegetables and even desserts! I realize they worked harder than we do in the present life, but their foods were without chemicals, while ours are loaded. I am no scientist, but there is some connection here between chemicals, added weight, and cancers.
Oh sorry, I am supposed to be giving thanks for my award. So sorry, got sidetracked, once the mouth started drooling over the thought of nice hot buttery mashed potatoes.
The wonderful thing about this award also is, you don’t have to do anything, just accept it!
No hidden things about you to tell, no certain number of nominees. How much easier could it be?
I am going to nominate a few though, because if you are like me, you enjoy a good potato also!
So, drum roll please, louder, applause, whistles for:
Make sure to go check out Julie at the link above. She is wonderful. She and I share family members who suffer from Parkinson’s Disease.
Thank you Julie!
Watermelons, and strawberry pie
Fresh snapped green beans
Canning and freezing all day long
This is what summer means.
Daylight staying out so long
Kids staying up real late
Figures and salads a perfect pair
For the convertible and a date.
Swimming and camping go together
Bugs are welcome too
Isn’t the summer the best of all
For fun times, me and you.
This is a new award that is being given out. You accept or you don’t. You don’t have any particular rules to follow. You don’t have to say anything about yourself. You just nominate people who you know would live to receive this. Isn’t it fantastic. I am now a real hot potato gal! A little bit tough skinned and a soft soul on the inside.
Thank you Julie for thinking of me and giving me this great award!!