Erasing the Invisible

A statement was made tonight that left me with nothing to say, which is a rare thing. Perhaps it is because I have never been able to accomplish this my entire life. The topic is LOVE. Not the kind that you feel when you fall in love with your mate; rather the one where you love yourself.

I feel that I am an excellent caregiver. I can wipe away the tears from any patient. I can make each heart feel loved. I can bring comfort and kind words to help ease fears so they may rest as well as they can.

Although I am burnt- out on care giving, my heart still leans towards the one who needs to feel loved. Maybe this is because I am good at giving something I wanted so bad all my life.

Please don’t think for one moment I am wanting your kind words or your pity; I do not. Maybe spilling my guts onto the black and white screen will help me fix what has been broken for so many years.

I know the familiar words. God loves me. He made me the way he wants me to be. He doesn’t make mistakes. The problem is how can I truly believe that when I have been shown or not shown the love that any kid deserves.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t go without while growing up. I had nice clothes. I had a beautiful home to live in. I went to good schools. I was never beat. From the time my father and step-mother married, I could not complain and on any smooth surface, I was a happy, healthy child. So what gives? I don’t know.

Maybe I can’t or haven’t found a way to erase the invisible. I am one of those poor saps that lives too much in the past. I know it is wrong, but it seems that is the way I have always been and it could be part of the reason I am compassionate towards others.

No, what I can’t erase is the things that aren’t seen. You can’t touch what isn’t there. You can’t pretend to believe that everything is alright, when deep down inside you always knew you were an added piece to the table. You can’t pretend you didn’t hear what you heard.

I think when my mom died, I felt lost. When dad died, I felt the one person on earth that surely loved me more than anything was forever gone. The thin tether I clung to during my childhood had now frazzled and dissipated.

When my brother passed away I was left backed into a corner. No one to pour out those hidden feelings I desired. I now look at my life as an empty box that I need to fill up in order to live within a peaceful bubble for the remainder of my days.

Since Al has passed I am almost afraid of everything. The dark, going out, the what if’s. Do you have any idea how frustrating that is? I hate it, but can’t seem to burst that bubble that has me cocooned me inside like caged beast.

When I look at the facts in my life I smile, so why isn’t it enough? I know without a doubt my children love me. I am  pretty sure my grandchildren love me too. I have nice friends here. I have no doubt when I move next week I will make new friends. What else could I possibly want?

Who else is so lucky to have family that lead busy, busy lives and yet are spending free time over at my new home making it look pretty? I know I am blessed. Through the mistakes I have made in my own life, I have been forgiven and still remain loved.

I am coming to the end of this post and I still don’t have the answers to fix myself. I have already been to a therapist to learn how to realize that my feelings are validated. I have learned that not all that happens to us is our fault. What I didn’t learn is how to let go of the disappointment of what I thought should be, and to accept that life is what it is.

As I have become older I have forgiven words. I have learned that not all show emotions the same way. I am hoping that living in my new surroundings some of the sadness, depression and death will break the ties that bind me.

I am hoping that I will breathe new air. I will not have to force myself to look out the window for one good thing in my life. I will just see the beauty in who I am on the inside and enjoy every moment I am blessed to still be able to breathe.

Family was and always will remain the most important thing to me under God. It is all I ever wanted, it is all I ever needed. Somehow, some way I just want to erase the invisible and start penciling in all the good around me.