Daily Prompt; I Am a Rock

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/04/daily-prompt-self/, DP, Daily Prompt

Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us SELF.

This is a complex issue for me. There is a large part of me who believes I can pull anything off. Superwoman in disguise, LOL.wind_serenity

Then there is another side of me who is probably the biggest chicken ever. Afraid of rejection, afraid of the word no. This can stop me in my tracks. I can be as a speeding train doing multiple tracks at the same time, and then boom, the train horns signal and the engine stops.train

I will hint at what  help I need. When this doesn’t work, I get frustrated and then come out with the words.

Sometimes I get the answer I need. Sometimes I get a brush off, and other times I get no reply.

That’s when I curse myself for my age. Weakening joints and muscles prevent me from doing the things I need to do. An example is my bedroom. It is the heaviest darn furniture to me. It needs to be changed so I can sweep the cat hair that is piling up like big cotton balls under my bed.cotton balls

It will most likely remain like it is because I can not afford to pay for everything I need done.

So in the end I am somewhere between a rooster and a chicken and end up doing without or killing myself trying.rooster 1chicken

Chapter 5

Jane and Laurie waited until the waitress took their order. Laurie then bent her head closer to her friend and asked, ” What are you going to do? I can’t believe the test results came back that you are pregnant”!

Jane sucked in her breath. She didn’t want Laurie to know that she was scared. She didn’t want to break down crying in front of strangers. Her eyes began to water as she replied, ” I don’t know what I am going to do. My parents are going to kill me.They are never going to understand that I didn’t mean for this to happen. Should I tell Henry”?

Both girls sat in silence trying to sort out the correct answer. Laurie was the first to speak. ” You have to tell Henry of course! He is the father isn’t he? You weren’t with any other guys were you”? Jane’s eyes got big as she almost shouted,” Oh for heaven sakes Laurie, you know Henry has been the only one. He was always the only one. How could you ask such a stupid question”?

Silence fell around the table as the waitress brought their fries and drinks. They shared a big platter of fries, and ordered an extra-large strawberry shake with an extra glass. Laurie divided the shake into the two glasses and said, ” Don’t be mad Jane. I had to ask. Are you going to tell him”?

Jane sighed and said,” I guess I will have to. What choice do I have? Besides, he will have to help give me money won’t he? He will want the baby because he loves me, right”? Laurie looked at Jane’s face and wish she knew the answer. Instead, she tried to build up hope by smiling and saying, ” Of course he will want the baby. Henry loves you. Never doubt that”.

With that confirmation, both girls dug into the fries, each thinking their own thoughts about how this was going to turn out in the end. They changed the subject and talked about what they were going to do the rest of the day. Summer was almost over and Laurie brought up school starting next month. Both girls looked at each other and the question was answered before it was spoken.

Jane sadly said, ” You will be going to school, and I will be stuck at home with my parents. I can’t go back to school! What will everyone say once I begin to to look like a cow”? Her eyes began to well up, and Laurie got up and went over and sat down beside her friend. She put her arm around Jane’s shoulder and said, “Everything is going to be alright. It will all work out, you will see”. Jane didn’t feel confident in hearing this, as Laurie’s voice wasn’t steady as she spoke.

The girls paid and left the restaurant. They walked as far as they could together, then split directions, promising to call later that night. Laurie found some friends on her way home and she stopped to see what they had been up to. She was invited to one of her friends for supper, so she didn’t get home until late. When she walked in, her mother was furious and worried. Laurie’s mom, Chris started yelling as soon as Laurie walked in the door. ” Where in the world have you been young lady? I have been worried sick! Tell me right now”! Laurie said,” One of my  friends was sick so I went with her to the doctor, and on the way home I ran into another friend who  invited me for supper. Mom, I am sorry. I just totally forgot to call. I love you mom. Can you forgive me”?

Chris let her defenses down a little. She was relieved that her girl was home. She walked over to Laurie and said, ” I can understand you forgetting Chris, but I was worried. Please make sure you call the next time. Don’t worry me like that”. She leaned down and gave her daughter a kiss on the forehead, and Laurie smiled up at her mom.

Jane had run into Henry on her way home. He was driving by and saw her. He pulled up to the curb, and patting the seat beside him yelled,” Hey Jane, come on get in! Where you going? Can I drop you off at home”? Jane slowly walked to the car and opening the door got in. She looked at Henry and tears started to form in her eyes. Henry casually said, “Hey, what’s the matter? You and your mom get in a fight? Are you running a way”?

He started laughing after he had said the remark, but she wasn’t joining in. He slowed down and turned into her drive way. He turned the key off and turned towards her. He looked into her face and said more gently, ” Come on, you know you can tell me anything”.

Jane started to cry and she buried her head in her hands. She sobbed for a few minutes and Henry looked out his window giving her time to get herself together. Jane quit crying enough to begin to speak.” Henry, do you love me? I mean, do you really love me? Would you stick with me no matter what happens in life”?

Henry replied with a little caution in his voice, ” Come on doll, you know I love you. Haven’t I been telling you the past couple of months how much I love you? Come over here and give me a little sugar”. Jane was not scooting near him. She could not move out of fear of what he was going to say when she told him the bad news. Instead, she gazed in his eyes, wanting to remember what he looked like forever, in case he flipped out.

Henry patted the space between them and once again said, ” Come on baby, scoot your little butt over here and plant a big one on me”. Jane felt herself getting all warm inside.

Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...

She felt like someone was pushing her hands to the door handle. She wanted to reach for it and get out and run for the rest of her life. Her mouth opened though, and she was looking him straight in the face, eyes glued to his. ” Would you still love me if you knew I was pregnant”?

Chewing It Over

English: Memory Christmas tree Thickwoods Alon...

Can we control our feelings, or do our feelings control us? Can we stand in front of a man who we have proclaimed our hearts and body to, and listen to the words, that  he no longer loves me? Do we fall apart, cry in front of him, cause a scene, or do we show our wall, let him see that it doesn’t matter that he just ripped our heart out, turn around, and reaching for our purse, we walk out of the door holding our heads high?

When a loved one is dying, do we go visit, or do we stay away? Do we walk up to the bed and lean in and let the tears flow, showing them how much we care? Do we take a hold of the pale, limp hand and give it a light squeeze, whispering how much we have loved and admired them through out our time of knowing them here on earth. Or do we stand back, with our backs erected, a smile glued to our cheeks, letting the one that we love more than life itself, know that we are strong, that we can get through this, that we shall carry on with our lives just fine?

The excitement that most of us feel when we learn we are pregnant, explodes among family members, as the joy of a bundle of love, is coming into our lives. Is each of us ready for this? Is there any that wish other wise, that this would never have  happened? Do we pretend in front of familiar faces, nodding our heads, smiling at the future, agreeing with what is said, or are there others who wish they could speak up, to show the hidden fears of having a child, maybe with a father or without a father for the child. Not wanting to disappoint loved ones, but turning into our pillows in the darkness of the nights, letting tears comfort us into a restless sleep?

What is it that causes some of us to be stronger than others? Upbringing, fear of nothing, love for our own person, what makes each of us different? Do each of us deserve and also have the right to be happy with our own lives we have created? Have we followed our own paths? Have we followed our hearts? Have we listened to our inner spirit speaking, or do we do, as others wish us to do in order to keep others happy at the expense of our own souls being happy?

What are our choices in life? Who do we want to be? Who do we want to look up to us? I find own self questioning my own self in this late period of my life. Who have I really been being true to? Myself, my family, my friends? What were my goals, and how have they changed through the years? Am I the same person I was ten years ago? Am I happy with who I will be in ten years from now?

The greatest gift I could give myself, is freedom this year at Christmas. Freedom to be the person I was born to be, freedom to not run when faced with fear of rejection, free to love myself first, and to realize not everyone will love me back. I say now is the time, if there are changes to be made, let me make them now, this year, allow myself the privilege  to be happy, to be accepted for what I represent. What do I want to hear if I am lying on my death-bed dying from an incurable cancer, what is it that my ears wish to hear…………….