I Asked, And He Answered

Today was the day that I went and picked up Al to take him to our favorite restaurant. I got

Close up image of Cradle cap (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

there on time, and he was dressed in his coat and hat and all ready to go, but something seemed different.

I thought that the main reason he wanted to go to the nursing home, was different from my reasons, he wanted to socialize. Every time I go there, he is not socializing. I can’t put my finger on it, but something is not the same.

I know, it takes time as you all tell me, and this is an adjustment period, but I saw things today that made me quite upset, and I did say something when I took him back. When we got to the restaurant he could not take his own jacket off, and when I questioned him about simple things he cried and I could tell he was confused or didn’t understand things.

He told me he was getting prunes for his snack, so I simply asked  what else to go along with them, and he said nothing. I asked him if he asked for anything else and he said no. He didn’t know he was supposed to ask.

His fingernails were awful. They were black and I could tell by some colors under his nails, that he has been doing some digging too. Here we were at the restaurant, and I could barely eat, looking at his nails, or I would have been ill.

I asked him about activities he had been doing, and he said therapy. I asked what else, and he said nothing. I asked him if he told anyone that he wanted to be involved with activities, and he said no, he didn’t know what activities there were.

He explained to me that his vision is blurry again, that he can not see. I told him I didn’t know what to think, as we had just picked up brand new glasses for him two weeks ago. He said he didn’t know.

Everything was I don’t know and tears. There was more confusion today than I had ever seen before. I am going to give it up to PD, that this is the reason. I dropped the questions when our food arrived, and we ate. He ate good but could barely got the glass to his mouth, his tremors were so bad. I could see that he is definitely getting weaker in strength.

In the car on the way to the restaurant, his tremors were so bad, it made me dizzy watching him. I am not sure if this is the progression of PD or what. He ate a breaded cheeseburger, fries, a diet cherry cola, and a piece of sugar cream pie, so he has a good appetite!

After we were finished, I searched through the store for snacks for him to take back. I had taken him snacks that were left over from here at home, when he was placed, and he was sure to let me know he was running low. I can’t figure out if he is eating the snacks during the day, or at bedtime, and this is why he is not being offered snacks or what is going on.

He told me that the nurse told him to take his money and buy himself a shelf for the wall. He started crying because he said that the nurse should know he doesn’t have any money. See where his comprehension is coming in? I explained that the nurse thought if she told him that he needed the shelf then he would tell his sister, and she could go get him a shelf, which I did.

After lunch, and getting the shelf, I asked him where else he would like to go, and he said no where, he was ready to go back. I asked him again, saying anywhere you want to go, let’s go, while it is nice outside, but he still said no, so I took him back.

Once back he was content to sit in his recliner. I  had brought him some goodies so he and I opened them. He could not open anything by himself, his fingers were too weak, so I opened and he watched. I had gotten him something that he had wanted so bad, the merry-go-round that you see at Christmas time. It plays music and lights up. I just knew he was going to be so excited, but all I got was a half-smile.

After we opened everything and I discarded the empty boxes, I placed things within his hand’s reach, and told him I was going to go speak to the nurse. He didn’t say anything, so I went out of his room for a bit. I found his nurse, and for the second time, I explained about the filthy nails, and that they needed to be cleaned every single day, and hopefully this time, I said it plain enough. I explained to her about his cradle cap all over his face and in his hair again. I explained  when I brought him in there, about the terrible cradle cap due from the PD and that his head needed to be oiled each day and lotion needed to be applied to his face each day. I said all the work I had done is now gone, because it is all back.

I explained with a smile, that I was not trying to be a pain in the butt, but, if they didn’t do as I requested, his face was going to be a mess and he was going to start digging and scratching like he did at home and he would be a bloody mess.

She listened and she made notes, so hopefully this will be taken care of. I explained for the second time that Al won’t ask for anything, and then showed her the list of things that he wished for, and she said he needs to speak up. I said that I agreed with her, but he will not speak up. He is mentally challenged, and doesn’t get the picture, ask and receive. Once again, more notes. Hopefully through time, this will all be taken care of. I just don’t want him to suffer for things that a minute can fix.

Al is a complicated person. He has trouble with comprehension, and understanding, but in other ways he is very brilliant. He is crafty in some ways, and very innocent in other ways. He made the mistake of letting me know that he had money in his wallet. I asked him how did he get money?

He explained he goes down to the little lady at the front desk and tells her he wants money so he can buy a soda or snack, but then he doesn’t buy it, he clings to his money. So he had done this each day and now had a nice little pile in his wallet.

I explained to him for the third time that he can not carry money, that something could happen to it, and if it did, the facility will not make it reappear in his wallet. I am sorry, but inside, I was laughing a little, because he just amazes me at how he thought up this idea to have money once again. On the other hand, I feel bad for him, because he has carried money all through his adult life, and now the facility says no, you may not.

I told the nurse what had happened, and they walked him down to the front desk lady and had him put the money back into his account. He got upset with them instead of me this time, which was a nice change, so I don’t know what his next creative idea will be.

It was a good day, and I may seem a little picky, but I keep my ears and eyes open, and I do ask questions, because Al is going to answer me much better than any staff volunteering answers.

Now, I am home and have taken Polly outside, then brought her inside, and she peed again on the carpet. It stresses me out, I am sorry. My mind is not healed from all of the daily issues from Al, and here, I have a pup, who is the cutest thing, but I am too stressed yet to enjoy her. Walking on my feet and on my heels, whimpering if she doesn’t get held every second is driving me up the wall. I love her, but for heaven’s sake, give me some breathing space! Part of me just wants to sleep and drown out everything around me that I think of all the time.

Something has to give, but I am not sure what it is. Thanksgiving is next week, and although it looks like it is going to be a small dinner gathering, I have not even went to the store yet. I just don’t want to. I have to change my train of thought!
 

 

 

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Calm Tremors

The sleep that I got did me so much good

I’d wish for it each night, if only  I could

I had the energy today of a big  jumping jack

I cleaned the house thoroughly never looking back

The hospital bed and commode are in place

I cleaned his room and also threw the waste

I sorted the summer and winter wear

With his weight loss, now the closet is bare

His tremors were calm, and a smile did show

So I took him to supper and then we did go

To Wal-Mart he headed straight for the toys

To buy a new car, he fitted in with all little  boys

He grinned as he picked it and showed it to me

I smiled at him, as proud as a sister could be

I wish every day was just like today

But I will take what I can and thank God for this day.

 

Al’s Changing Days

A few days ago, Al got up in his usual morning routine, and came to sit on the couch, instead of doing his breakfast first. He told me in his exact words, that he had the most excruciating pain he had ever felt in his leg. I looked at it but I saw nothing. He told me that his leg was swollen, but my naked eyes could not take it in. From that moment on, the rest of the few following days have been very sad and depressing for him. He has had pain and more freezing. I talked to the nurse and she said the freezing mode of his legs was causing rigidity in them and the muscles were downsizing and he would feel this pain, but they had him on the best pain medications.

He can have moments of joy, but I see mountains of pain and tears. I had pretty well made up my mind to go ahead and place him for his own sake, not mine. It was a difficult time, processing agony for me, but someone had to do it, and my name was being called by the pitcher.

Have you ever had ideas that you thought were so good, only to have them squished like an ant you step on? This is the way I felt after I talked to the professionals and then confirmed what they had said by googling.

Did you realize that there were new health care plans in effect that have been placed recently that make it difficult to place another person, if money is being held in certain trust accounts? There is, and it is sad.

The law now says that for certain trusts, and there are many that are included, have to be paid back to the state, once the person dies. I will not go into grave details, because it is complicated, and most of you are not involved with placement thoughts in your homes, but in the end product, someone , can be made to pay half of what Medicaid paid out when a nursing home patient passes away.

The thing that bothers me is with the new laws coming into effect, and our President forever changing the health care here, one or more persons, could end up having to fork over monies they don’t have in order to help programs get a refund for what they loaned out.

First of all, I didn’t know we were being loaned money. I thought we paid in through all those little items showing up on our paychecks for years and years, but then, I remembered how in debt our country is and the threats of social security not even being there for ones younger than us is real.

On top of all that, I was given a quote of over five thousand dollars to do all the paper work for the trust to properly make it into a state program.

Did you also realize that once you are admitted to a nursing home or some other type of home, you are sometimes giving up your home and your money assets, and did you know that if the person changes his mind a while down the road, and wants to come home that there are no monies there for further care and help at home?

It is sort of no win situation, unless you are so severely mentally handicapped, that everyone knows there will never be a return home, or you are so elderly, you would also fall into this category.

I have made my final decision to not place, and to hire extra or give more hours to caregivers in order for Al and I to have our breaks in our routines

Last evening, although I saw tears most of the day, he was willing to go out to a drive-thru supper and continue on to a car show here in town. Both went fairly well, except the car show. I got the scooter out and placed together, and got him situated in the driver’s seat, and off he went, but instead of stopping and talking to all of the owners and everyone on the street, he made quick loops around the show as if he was the driver of a race car in a hurry to win. He came back to where I had been relieving my back pain by sitting on a chair, and sat there, tears running down his face for no apparent reason.

I asked him if he was finished looking at the cars and he said nothing. I asked him if he would like to have some ice-cream that was being sold for the event, and he nodded in affirmation. He scooted and I walked over and bought him a nice two-dipper and had it placed in a bowl instead of a cone. We walked back over to my single chair, and I gave him the bowl and spoon, and he sat there, doing nothing. His tremors were acting up, so my heart was bouncing around at each time the bowl tipped to this side and then the other. He did not try to take a spoonful of the ice-cream, that I would have gobbled up, myself, but knowing it was full of sugars, I left it alone.

I asked him if he wanted help with eating it and he nodded yes once again. So I spoon fed him. I had also had to do that for the same day at breakfast. He had waffles and could not cut them up to eat them, nor could he place bites in his mouth. The tears were running down his face as I was feeding him his ice-cream, as I knew in my heart, we were out in public, and he was dying inside of embarrassment from people watching him being fed, although, I did not see anyone particular stare at him or I, and certainly, no one came to our side and questioned either of us why this adult was being fed by someone other than himself.

After the treat was finished and the bowl and spoon were properly disposed of he made no movement, so I asked him if he was ready to leave, and he said yes. He talked! Yes, I am ready to go home.

I am not sure how much he enjoyed this time out, but I do know it was not as much as he used to. I put him in the car, and tore the scooter apart, and we took off for the comforts of his bedroom and his bed, that he is coming to know better each week, as he lies more on it now to watch television.

I have hired a new caregiver for respite care, and I can only hope that she took heed of my words, that I only want someone who is interested in being with Al, and staying long enough to get to know him, and that I will not tolerate excuses of why you can not be here, unless God has called me and told me you have passed on. She is to start Tuesday of the following week for four hours. We shall see how it goes.

Now that I have slept on all of this new information thrown at me, and I see how Al is becoming, I ask for prayers in hiring another caregiver who can give more hours on a daily basis, helping him with feedings and showers . I would love to have a caregiver that will be here for six hours a day, Monday through Friday, the same caregiver who would shower him, help with his feedings, when needed, and to spend quality time with him. I do not like having caregivers with different names for different jobs. Let’s find one who can do it all for Al’s sake of security in one person, and also my sanity when I go to pay the person, and have to keep looking back at the books to see how many hours this or that person worked this week.

I know that many of you pray for Al and also for me, but I am asking for bigger request. One caregiver, who will stand by us and stay with us until everything is in order.

Blogger Award

Blogger Award.

Free Write Friday, June 29,2012

http://kellieelmore.com

Kellie has given me the opportunity to write this exercise, and I want to thank her for opening my mind.

When it comes to empathy, I feel like I live it without realizing it. Taking care of others is a very rewarding job. You connect with their feelings, you gain the understanding of how they feel and you see what is important to them at this time of their life.

Taking care of my brother, Al, is probably my best test in having empathy. Al is mentally challenged, has heart problems, and also is diagnosed and fighting with Parkinson’s.

I have to be able to climb out of my skin and enter my brother’s soul. It reminds me of the scene in the movie Ghost, where you actually see a film, ghost-type entering and exiting Whoopie Goldberg’s body.

I plan doctor’s appointments, take my brother to all of the appointments, talk with each doctor, and make changes with medications and goals, in order to keep Al feeling his best.

I am constantly thinking of ways to help his day have moments of joy and laughter. We go shopping, that includes only his interests. We go to eat at restaurants, trying to go where he enjoys going.

I clean the house, do his laundry, change his bed sheets, cook his meals, pay his bills, all parts of our daily life skills are practiced here.

Then there are the times in between, when I have to enter his mind, his soul, and his pains. I have to stop my own mental thinking, and imagine what he is going through. Understanding where the tears are stemming from. Imagine how his pain feels. Feel his humility when his body freezes, and help him to walk once again. I have to understand how it feels to try to use a fork or a spoon, to eat, something we have done our entire lives, but now, it becomes a struggle to keep food on the utensils.

Empathy is comprehending that it is alright for him to curse or get mad when food falls to the floor, and he realizes it. When Al wet his pants the other day, I had to instantly transfer myself into his mind, and feel what he felt when he was forced to walk out of the restaurant bathroom and show me his wet pants.

When Al yells at the newscasters on the TV for showing the weather more than once. He calls them idiots, or stupid. He doesn’t understand the aspect of how they show it twice so that more audiences can catch the weather. His mind is simplified, and I need to get inside to understand this and to be able to say something to him, that brings him to the realization, that I get what he is saying.

Dealing with all of these illnesses that are in one body, is a challenge. If this were a job being paid by an employer, I would not be paid too many times, because it is difficult and tests every part of our being. I think this type of work tests the nerves and can cause much stress.

You have to have a heart, compassion and empathy to enter this type of work. It takes transferring your thoughts into their thoughts, the skill of listening, and the passion for understanding. For me, I would not trade it for the highest paying job in the world, and I would not miss out on each day my brother lives. I want him to know that I love him, that I am here for him and that I do my best at understanding his views in life.

Quaker State And Lube Surprise

Al, my brother, is suffering so much every day with shrinkage of his leg muscles from this nasty Parkinson’s Disease. Some days I wish I didn’t know how to spell it or say it! He is living on pain pills almost around the clock now. I am worried about the effects all of this will have on his stomach, so when I take him to the doctor Wednesday, I am going to bring this fact up and see if there is something else we can try that is more potent and less times per day. I am always hoping for Al, even though I know we are in the comfort care zone. I want each day to be as  pain-free as possible.

With his muscles not knowing any other choice at this time, the shrinkage is its goal. The less Al walks, the more the muscle shrinks. With this brings less stability also. When he arises from a bed or couch. If he has been sitting for a while outside, or in a car, or even on his scooter, it causes pain and freezing.  Al is strong-minded and he is teaching me to be more like him in strength. He fights this disease the best way he knows how, by crying, cursing, and telling his body what he thinks of it.

Al wants to die, because he wants to live so badly. As he sees in his own eyes, that he is fighting a losing battle, then he chooses to die, and as I watch him suffer more each day, I want the Lord to take him home.

Yesterday, I surprised him. He loves cars, vintage cars, race cars, not as much as Coca-Cola, but pretty darn close. I took him into a flea market, and he spotted the red right off the bat! He started to walk over there, but could not make it. He stood with tears in his eyes, looking at me, saying I can’t walk. We didn’t have his scooter at this time, because I thought they had them there for use, but I was wrong.

I saw another lady who was running a booth, and she was in a scooter of her own, and beside her booth was a wheel chair, and she had seen Al’s predicament, and brought it to him to use while he was in the building. I thanked her so much, and although Al said nothing, I knew that he appreciated it also, as he could now go to the red section, coke.

At this point of Al’s life, I can not help spoil him when I can. I am being a two-sided coin, as one part of me is teaching him I won’t tolerate too much whining and negativity, and the other side knows his condition, so if I have the means I will let him have what he wants.

I wheeled him over to a red box, that once opened, showed a beautiful Coca-Cola radio. The dealer of the booth plugged it in for him, and Al looked up at me with those baby blue eyes begging without saying a word. I said, if  you want it, you can have it. I received the biggest smile. I had made his day, and he had also forgot for that moment he had Parkinson’s. He purchased another trinket of coke items, and there was not much more in the store that he was interested in, so we left.

We drove to a new restaurant that neither of us had ever been to. The Quaker State and Lube Restaurant. I knew inside that Al would love this, and I think he did, but he was in pain again, from sitting and standing and being shuffled around. He looked around at the decorations, but didn’t say much. He didn’t cry, but he did ask for pain pills.

Although, I am not much into cars, only that I can drive them, I am glad that we went. The decorations on the walls, and suspending in air were pretty awesome. The menu was the cutest thing. They had changed the names of foods we recognize into terms that matched the decor.

The food was fabulous, especially the stack, onion rings. They were perfect. Al had chicken tenders, with french fries and coleslaw, and for his drink it was very similar to the fair’s Lemon Shake-Up. He ate every bite!

We finished our meal and I paid the bill. I stood up and exited the booth, and Al followed. When he stood up, he fell though. He started crying, not from pain, but from embarrassment. I helped him up, and saw no cuts or blood, so I helped him to the auto, and we went home.

I know that he had a good time, but the ending was not what I wanted nor expected. It was just getting to be too much for him anymore. He is getting too weak, and the more tired he gets the more the body freezes. I am so glad I got to take him, and wonder how many more times I am going to be able to place that big smile on his face with those baby blues looking up at me begging without saying any words.

picture-it-write- prompt #31

This writing exercise is brought to me by

http://ermiliablog.wordpress.com/

She wanted to read her reflections in the exact same spot on the day she was baptized here in the waters.

Her life changing, having given it to God. She had been an  unneeded child, and in her late teens had left from home. She made her way in life by working in restaurants as a waitress and than a cook .

Her parents were too young when they had Julie. Her mother worked in a small factory, in a town ten miles from home, and her father worked in the mines on the outskirts of town. They didn’t have the desire for a child. They could barely keep food on their table, and having another mouth to feed just made their own lives harder.

Her mother would come home from her job and expect some type of supper food on the table. Julie’s parents didn’t have too much money, so choices for meal preparations were to be desired, but Julie used her imagination and managed to have something ready for her mother when she arrived home.

Julie’s father worked long and hard hours, so she didn’t see him often. He took his lunch box with him and usually stopped at the local tavern on his way home for a bite to eat.

Julie had plenty of time to dream about her life while she was at home. Her parents had sent her to public schools for her elementary days but as the prices got higher for the upper school years, they made her drop out and told her she could learn more living life than hearing about it at school.

Julie kept the house up, doing laundry, dishes, sweeping. She cleaned windows, and swept the small porch on the front of their house.

When you looked out from the porch, you could see the mines in the distance where her father worked. Sometimes when you were sitting out there you could hear large booms and vibrations from where new areas were being opened in the mines.

Julie loved her imagination. She could dream about new recipes, and from her own garden could create new flavors from her herbs she was growing.

When she reached seventeen years old, she packed all of her personal belongings, and wrote a letter to her parents telling them it was time for her to find a better life, and that she loved them. She left it on the kitchen table for mother to read when she got home. Julie also left a dinner plate in the oven for her mother’s supper.

She left and didn’t go back for years. She hitched a ride with a passer-by and landed herself in two cities over. This was a large city and she knew that she would have plenty of growth opportunities.

Immediately she landed a job at a restaurant as a waitress, and had also saved enough money for a room to rent. She loved her job and it wasn’t long at all that she had plenty of followers that came to see her and have her wait on them.

Her life was doing well and she thought of her parents often, and hoped they were doing well. She had plenty of people she knew but she missed having someone in her life, but that all changed the day he walked in the front door of her work place. He was handsome, not dressed to fancy. He talked with a mild manner, but his eyes are what drew her to him. They were the bluest of blue she had ever seen. He looked at her and placed himself in her section. Each day this pattern was continued.

One day he asked her out for supper, and she accepted. Their love blossomed and soon they knew their eyes were for each other only.

Julie stayed at the restaurant and worked her way up to cook, then main cook. The restaurant grew each month from her using her experiences with foods, adding herbs and new flavors.

After a year went by, Julie and her boyfriend decided they wanted to spend the rest of their days together. They wanted to share their love with all of their friends and have God witness their union.

They went to the lake on a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and with all of their guests surrounding them, they were pronounced man and wife. After the kiss was performed, the minister took them one by one and they stepped out into the water and they were baptized. Now they were starting a new life together with each other and God.

Today marks one year from the date they were married to each other and God. Julie returned to the waters, to the same spot where she was united, and with her bible she gave thanks to God for all of their blessings he had given them both.

I Can See The End Nearing

English: A Dairy Queen location in Moncton (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today was a busy day for me. I really don’t like these kind of days. I think because my mind is so boggled most of the time, that it does not want to have to be in the go mode.

I had called the caregiver yesterday afternoon, to see if there was any way she could come this morning a half hour earlier. Al had two doctor appointments this morning. One was his heart doctor, for his CAD, and the other was for the Podiatrist, to get his nails trimmed.

I jumped out of bed this morning, and got into the shower. I decided since it was nice and warm with some humidity, I would wear a skirt and a blouse. You know, just something that would make me feel a bit cheerier from last night. I took my time and actually put a little make-up on, and blow dried my hair. By the time the caregiver arrived, I was ready and sitting here at the computer drinking my tall cup of coffee.

I was getting something out of the refrigerator to drink while Al was taking his shower. I noticed the two appointment cards hanging on the front of the refrigerator, and looked at them closer. I had made an error. I had called the caregiver and had gotten all dolled up for nothing. The two appointments are for tomorrow morning. Oh wow, what a dumb dumb I was. I laughed out loud as I told the caregiver my mistake I had made. Al looked at me like I was crazy and the caregiver just laughed, saying well you look nice now for the day. Thanks caregiver for trying to laugh off my mistake. It worked, we all had a good laugh.

My contract was up on my cell phone, so I took the opportunity to go to the new cell phone store and get a new phone with a new company. The salesman tried very hard to talk me into a more expensive phone and plan, but he wasn’t good enough. I stuck to my guns, and got what I needed not what he wanted. I get tired of filling other people’s pockets at my expense sometimes.

After leaving there we stopped at Al’s favorite place for lunch, then I had an appointment for a recall on my car, so we  took it to the dealer to get the recall parts replaced. When we finally reached home, it was almost two thirty.

I was exhausted, Al was tired, and we were both hot. We came into the house and he got something to drink and went to his room, and I pulled out the information on my phone and read it and started playing with the phone to get to know it. I then tried to set up an online account but had trouble with passwords and right web pages. I finally gave up and called the company. They walked me through it over the phone and all is done now.

As I am on the phone with the company, I was having trouble hearing the representative. I should not say, trouble hearing, it was more to the point, trouble understanding. I don’t think the rep had lived here in our lands too long, because she struggled with her words, and I had to keep repeating the same words, I am sorry, I can’t understand what you are saying to me.

While I was on the phone, my family members came down, and of course they were able to hear the conversation only on my side. After the phone call had ended, I heard how rude I was and how I thought I was better than anyone else.

I think because of the last twenty-four hours I have went through with Al, was the reason, I just broke down in tears. I had a big pity party and the only invitation that sent out was for me. I was so crushed to hear these words, as I always felt in my heart, that I am a loving, and compassionate woman. I always feel like I go above and beyond for others in my life. To me, this was another blow on top of Al’s incident I blogged about early today.

From there matters just got worse. It seemed like, no not seemed, it was no matter what I said, I was reprimanded for it. I felt like a child, a bad girl, a bad mom, anything and everything I could feel, I was feeling it for tonight. I tried defending myself, but it did no good.

I sat in silence, but as the silence grew, I began to get angry and then I got mad. I thought back to when our parents were alive and how they would have reacted if one of us, their children, would have been so disrespectful to a mom or a dad. My parents would not have allowed it even for one moment. I would have been punished.

You can not do this to your grown children. You have to suck it up and brush your shoulder off, and pray for them. This is what I did. I stood up and right there in that spot, I prayed for him.

I think back to Al and the incident at the Dairy Queen. I had taken  him for supper there tonight, because I was too tired to cook. He is a very slow eater, and this is alright. I have grown used to it. He had the small sundae, for his dessert, and when he tried to eat it, he could not. He could get the spoon in the ice-cream, but he was too weak to dip the ice-cream into the spoon. He tried and tried and then with tears flowing, he said to me, I can’t do it, please help me. I sat there in the restaurant, and my tears came unexpectedly. I had no control over them. I didn’t sob like a big baby, but they flowed gently, as I knew how hard it was for Al to ask for this help, and for me to have to once again be shattered by the truth, that what I thought may be happening, is happening. The weakness is getting worse and worse. I fed him his ice-cream, and we both cried.

So as I look back on the day now that it is almost over, I look at my brother who finds it hard to open his mouth to ask for help, and I look at my family who has no trouble opening their mouth, and I weep at the differences that two people can  have that all come from the same family.

I am tired tonight, but I am strong. I take a deep breath and I thank God, for him getting me through this day. I thank my children and Al for helping me to stand a little bit taller tonight. For what they do not realize, is the more I am hurt, and tired, and worn, there is strength building from God on the inside and I shall once again hold my head high in the end.

I know my time is drawing near with my brother, and I already know I will cry many tears when I have to give him up to another person’s care, but I have lived this. I have experienced with Al, what he goes through, and all of his feelings. I have learned how to carry many responsibilities that usually a couple do together in a house hold. I am learning that God does carry me through and he will until the day I pass this life over. I can do nothing without God, he is proving this to me each and every day. I will have wonderful and also sad memories once this chapter is over of my life. It has all been worth it. I did the best that I could.