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Divided Heart

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She threw a cooking pot at him and he ducked. Curse words that attacked like swords were flying through the air. She was crying and he was staring at her as if dumbfounded. He was thinking, what in the world is wrong with her. Is she on her monthly period? She is acting like a crazy woman.

There never seems to be a day where a piece of yarn is not wrapped around my heart. Tugging at it and reminding me that I have no mate or companion in my life. I try very hard to let it rest in God‘s hands, but secretly worry that God does not wish for me to have anyone special in my life.

I am not talking about the hard-core excitement of life. I am more speaking on the gentle waves of the ocean. To have the support and love of another human opposite sex. To go to bed together at night and talk about nothing. To roll over on my side, knowing I am safe and secure.

It makes me feel weak inside when I realize that  I do not want to depend on my own self and feel contentment at what I have in my life. I am always wanting more. There are other times when I thank God that I am alone.

Relationships have to be worked at by both sides. Communication is a must. In today’s world I am not sure which becomes more important. The thrill of a few moments together, or the need to build an ever lasting bond.

For many months I have witnessed tears and arguments and stress from this one couple. Relationship brought together by looks, locking in children from past lives, trying to live as a whole.

It rips at me when I see the anguish and the pain. One’s story is completely different from the others. I try to remember back to what I desired as a young lady and a new bride. I hope that I thought more of happy ever after. I can not be honest here without saying that my curiosity was not highly peaked at what goes on behind bedroom doors, but I do know that I was thinking one marriage, long-term, til death us do part.

For this couple I know, I can be a good listener, but I can not tell them how to live. I can not be a judge and tell either of them, that I can see so clearly some of the mistakes being made.  You ask why, and the reason is mainly none of my business. If I say this or that to one or the other, it could be used against me like daggers if the two got back together. I am not going to take my chances on that. It is better for me to listen and let them each know I care.

I don’t know if this is a common thing or not. I have not done any studies. All I have to go on is  people in or near my own life. It appears that two do not listen to each other. Each one is more interested in their own hurt and their own needs, wanting to prove the other wrong. Does it take listening to make it work? I think so, but when we are damaged it is easy to be on the automatic mode of defense.

When I hear the foul words coming out of mouths, and items tossing through the air, cheating going on behind each others backs, I have to wonder what is keeping the two together. Maybe it is fear within itself. Lack of confidence to move on, maybe some sort of love is still lingering. I don’t know, but it is at these times

Red Yarn | 331/365 (EXPLORED)

I am glad, I am only responsible for me.

I don’t want added stress in my life. I have been there, done that. I don’t expect a fairy tale life anymore. What I dream of is going out to dinner, a lightly dimmed atmosphere, with an adoring companion. When the thought crosses my mind of me and another human becoming intimate, a hesitation begins to form.

I must be scared. Scared of not being able to go back once I have crossed the line. Scared of the relationship not lasting, of getting hurt once again. I heard someone tell me one time, that you can not be happy until you have gone through the hurt to find the right one. Maybe I do not want to be hurt again. Maybe I really don’t want a relationship as badly as I thought.

When I look back at my writing, it seems like I do not want to test the waters, but yet I want a rock to lean on. I guess I can not have it both ways. I do know that when I witness what I see in bad relationships, I thank my lucky stars that I am single, but can I still hope, can I still dream? Could there really be that person out there, with the same thoughts and needs as I have? Are there still men who recognize respect, love and understanding? Or is this a thing of the past. I don’t know anymore, but I am sure that in my divided mind, I will once again let that string of yarn tug at my heart.

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