Alone, Outside


English: One of many garbage bags at a sports ...

English: One of many garbage bags at a sports event. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Before, I say anything, I just want to let you know that I am in a good mood. Although, having to go outside and pick up crap was not fun.

After getting up this morning,and realizing no one was going to be stopping by, I took my time drinking my coffee and enjoying my blogging friends. I even showed off one of my granddaughters earlier this morning.

The sun was hinting to me that it was warming up as the central air kicked on. I fought it very hard, but inside my heart, I knew I needed to get outside to clean the yard before I turned into a roasted marshmallow!

You realize this is the same thing we do with God also. We know what we need to do. It is right there in our mind and our heart, but we fight it and fight it. We either turn our backs on God and turn into a disappointment, or we listen to him and do what is right, and move in his work and word.

So, I get myself dressed in a one piece romper, terry cloth. I know I do not have the figure to wear it, but who is going to see me?, a passer-by, the squirrels, or maybe an old lady peeking out of her window? haha. I walk outside and I feel the heat. I have my flip-flops on. I know I should be wearing my shoes and socks, because I have diabetic Neuropathy, but gosh darn, it is hot, and my feet were begging me to be free. I felt the sun beat down on my delicate little fat toes, and I quickly moved to the shaded areas to start my job.

I believe this is the fourth clean-up job for me,although the other three were done together with other helping hands, so it is just me out here alone. I do what I tell others never to do. I work for a while, and then look at what is ahead of me yet. I do know that doing this makes me more tired than I was a moment ago. Never preach what you will not practice.

As I moved inch by inch, I was picking up nails, staples, little pieces of tar papers, and single pieces of shingles, and some of them were double shingles. I filled up three bags and a garbage can of trash. What made me a little irritated, wasn’t the fact I was cleaning up from the roof left overs, but I was picking up the guys junk also. Water bottles, bottle labels, cigarettes and food wrappers. Are you serious? I have to touch those dirty butts that someone else sucked on and had in their mouth? Cooties for sure! LOL. I know they deserved to smoke, and drink, and even eat, but something about touching those ciggy butts made me ill, and I smoke, so it must be a germ thing.

I had two small piles on the cement where the car sat, and I tried a couple of times to sweep them into the bag with my broom and a dust pan, but I could not keep the flimsy plastic trash bags open, and they are even Hefty ones, strong, powerful, made to do any job! Not!

I go inside where Al is sitting all nice and comfy in his recliner, in the cool air, and ask him if he can help me outside. He didn’t want to go, not so much because of the Parkinson’s, but he didn’t want to help, but he came out. I don’t know what was going on. Maybe it was the mental challenge, or the heat or the Parkinson’s or the idea he didn’t want to help, but it was a useless idea. He could not or would not hold the bag open for me, and when I tried putting the dust pan inside of the bag, it would only catch half and the other half went back to the ground. Now it is 91 degrees out here in the shade. I can’t do this. Diabetics, at least me, do not do well with our sugar management when we are over heated. I sent him back inside, and went to the natural scooper, my hands, and got all of the big stuff, then used the broom and dust pan for the final touches.

I put all the tools away, swept off the porch, ran the broom around the edges where there were millions of tiny pieces of sparkles and little beads from the old shingles. The edges of the house were coated so that the color of the house looked like black mold. After doing the sweep thing, all color came back. I picked up all extension cords, boom boxes, and walked all around the house with my little black bags. If a child would be a passenger in a car going by, he would wonder if I was Santa. My skin was turning red from the sun but I had a black goodie bag, instead of a red one!

After three hours, and a mild sun-burn so far, and a nice cool shower, and clean clothes, I have finished the project. Now I am going to post this and take a nap on my couch with the air running and a light weight blanket covering me with my own soft pillow. See you all later on, after Al wakes up from his nap!

Hanging On To You


Lord Howe Island snorkeling - Double headed wr...

Lord Howe Island snorkeling – Double headed wrasse clown fish and others (Photo credit: Percita)

Hi bloggers. I am writing to each of you that respond to me, all in one blog reading.

I don’t feel well today. I don’t normally make it an plan of action  to write this many blogs in so few hours, but I need your friendship at this moment.

Good news. I have hired a respite caregiver. Her name is Shannon. I fell in love with Shannon as soon as she arrived here. She went straight to Al’s room and interacted with him, while he showed her all of his coca cola items. I could hear her making a fuss over each one as if she had never seen anything like it in her life. She left him to talk to me for a while. She said she was going through the ads,but before she started reading them, she prayed, that God would show and guide her to someone who needed her. The way she feels about life, and her complete attitude had won me over. Al liked her also, a good thing. She is going to be able to let me out of here once a week, and once a month I get a whole day, like eight hours.

The heating and air man came today because of an issue I was having. Not much wrong, but still the bill was pricey, as everything in the world is. Next my son called me and told me the price of the shingles for my roof was double what I was quoted.

After we hung up I called the store and they had only quoted me for half a roof. They forgot to times it by two, so my mind went into shock, as I knew I had no choice, as the old roof was torn off yesterday. He has left to pick up the shingles and other supplies, and Al is taking his nap, so the only thing I hear is silence.

I should be grateful, but I am not. I have this huge butterfly nest in my stomach, and my heart is hurting terribly. Not like a heart attack, but like a I am alone, and I am scared, and I am fidgety. The pain in my heart is from all the stress that has been building up for months. Agitated that I can find no comfort in anyone around me. irritated that it has taken so long to find a caregiver that actually wants to help me. Battling with my own edges of depression, fighting hard to keep my sanity. Leaning on God for anything I can grab a hold of. I feel like I am going to snap. My eyes feel like they are going to flood, but nothing happens. I feel helpless, not hopeless, but helpless. My age and diabetic issues keep me going backwards, forcing me into reality that I can no longer do the things I once used to do. That with age comes weakness of the body. I hate asking for anything in life.

I feel guilty because I feel bad. I have just found the perfect caregiver, and I know God has put the two of us together, but I still feel sick.

I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Trust in the Lord. Give him all of your worries, do not lean on anyone here on earth. God will take care of me and everything that I need he will be here for me. So why do I want to just lie down and cry my eyes out. Why is my heart acting like my brother is already gone, when he is sleeping in his own bed.

Is something catching up with me? Has something been following me for sometime and I am just now realizing it?

http://us.mg1.mail.yahoo.com

I went to my friend Aina’s blog, link above here, and I instantly felt more pain, but I forced myself to listen to her song she had on there. She was telling me about her two-hour walk, and the restaurant that she, herself, had picked out. She chose her own meal, and listened to the live band play. As I listened to the songs, and followed the words in them, utter loneliness crept inside my soul and heart. I wanted this. I wanted this so bad, I could almost taste it. I wanted to be around those people, listen to that music, eat my dinner with calmness.

I am where I am because this is where God hath placed me. I am doing the Lord’s work as he as asked me. Why can’t I be content. I need to stop! I need to think of others over myself. I have a job to do and a soul to look after. I am disgusted that I can possibly want more.

It has helped somewhat to write again my feelings, but the heart is still aching. The loneliness will turn into loud noises once the family is back. I can once again put all of this behind me and save it for another day.