Tag Archives: sadness

Thanks For Letting Me Blabber On

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My friend left this past Wednesday. I did alright, I didn’t fall apart. Even the next day I did good. I did so well I didn’t even need to take the stress reliever medicine. But the next day was Valentine’s Day.

Maybe without wanting to admit it, I felt a little left out of the over-rated love day. All I heard on TV for days was what men were going to buy their sweethearts. Flowers of your choice for any woman’s taste.valentinered rose

All I know for sure is I started sinking inside. With all the snow still lingering and the news of more snow storms coming tomorrow I started becoming sad again.

Yesterday I spent almost all day in bed. I napped off and on, but the sad part I was recognizing was I just wanted to be buried under my covers and as far away from Al’s illness as I could get. I would get up off and on and go check on Al.

He hasn’t been very responsive as of late. The illness continues to leak out of any orifice it can find. His eating is down to about a half of a jar of baby food at a time. His eyes will follow me, especially if I have the blue bowl in my hand. He knows there is ice-cream, well sherbet in that bowl.

We had to take him off of ice-cream and switch him to sherbet as he choked too bad on the ice-cream. The more I looked at him, the more I didn’t want to get out of bed. I didn’t want to do anything special to make me look better.

I remembered when my friend was here she actually had me rolling my hair and putting make-up back on. I did that too the day after she left, but before I knew it; the desire left.

My girlfriend had been calling each evening and she called my yesterday morning announcing she was returning. She came late afternoon and I was already a tense mess. I was ashamed that I was still in my house robe but yet I didn’t seem to have the energy to actually get dressed or even care.

I had to break down last evening and take one of my special pills again. I was fighting it so hard. I just didn’t want to take it. To me, it is a sign of weakness. Too screwed up to fight these feelings I was forced to lean on the little pills.

I don’t know why I allow or let myself fall into this trap of being so sad and depressed. It isn’t even me that is sick, it is Al. I look at him laying in that bed of his and I think, Wow, look what a trooper he is. Staying in that bed for months and yet he never complains. But here I am; able to walk and move around and I am feeling so low.

I then kick myself in the rear for being such a big baby. How and when did I let his illness become mine? I am my own worst enemy. I take on others feelings as if they were mine. The worst part is no matter what I tell myself I don’t stop. I let myself get too emotionally involved. Maybe it is because he is just not a patient, he is my brother. Yet, I still need that little pill to keep going.

My friend said she will see how Al is, and if there is no change, she will leave Tuesday. It is alright. I can’t tell her what day he will pass. I can only tell her that Al has hours to days as the nurse says and just wait. I realize my friend has a husband and a dog and her life to live. I don’t want her here waiting for something that may not happen when she is here.

Yet, if he passes when she leaves I, well I don’t know what I will do. I imagine knowing me like I do, I will stand tall and carry forth what needs to be done. I won’t break down or have a heart attack, I will do what I have to do.

My mother and friend have always said I am a survivor. Maybe I am, but I feel anymore that if something doesn’t break soon I am going to temporarily go nuts. I have made it for seven years taking care of family, so why now am I not as strong as I used to be. I don’t know most answers anymore, I tend to just go with the flow or hide under my covers.

God Helps In My Preparations For Al

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With gentle nudges I have begun to prepare myself for the new beginning of Al’s life. His clothes are ready, his photos gathered.

I have realized that these are things I can do now. Later I will not be able to make decisions so easily so it is better to help myself now.

My friend left this morning and the caregiver is gone. I heard the silence ringing in my ears. It is yet to be a memory of days to come but at this moment it is real and as I walk into Al’s room I stand quietly beside him and look down into his empty eyes and my own tears well echoing what is about to come.

I sit beside him and I watch the silent body stare into space. I reach for his hand and a tremor of life lets me know he knows I am beside him. I talk to  him although he doesn’t stir, but I know he hears me.

I came back out here to the room and went over the two songs I have picked out for his funeral. It leaves a nasty taste in my mouth as I do this preparation work, but as I said before, it is better to do it now than later.

Last night I had been searching through songs on U-tube. I knew the one song already that I was going to use. It is familiar to so many. It is sung by Vince Gill. It is called Let There Be Peace On Earth.

I said a prayer as I was searching asking God to find me the perfect song. A song that would lift my brother to God. A song that would shine through in honor of how I felt and feel about him. Without hesitation God showed it to me.

I thought to myself, This is so beautiful, so perfect, it is so Al in every way.

Would you like to hear it? It is also sung by Vince Gill and called  Go Rest High On The Mountain.

 

 

peace

Hour By Hour

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My heart is heavy burdened tonight. On the outside I look alright, but on the inner soul it is breaking. My friend is leaving Monday morning. She has been my rock and I am very thankful for the time she has stayed with me.

But a sadness remains as Al does too. I so didn’t want to be alone when that dreadful last breath was taken. God has his plan and I had my desires. The two do sometimes not coincide.

Last night Al took another turn for the worse. His blood pressure went very high. It was 160/120. Quite frankly, it frightened me to death. I could not find his heart beat as it was too soft.

His one lung is swollen. It is obvious to the naked eye. One side of his chest is swollen. His one side of his face was all puffy. His eye was almost swollen shut and his face was puffy.

His breathing was very shallow. I think one time he followed me with his eyes, but for the most part I don’t believe Al is here with me. He stares a lot, looking at nothing. He is now on oxygen. Water is given very little. Baby food can no longer be given in the meals as he chokes on the very tiny, soft foods. We are down to applesauce, and very strained veggies.

I don’t understand any of it. I don’t like the way it is going. I am questioning everything that is happening and what isn’t. I have even put off blogging because I have nothing good to say.

Who wants to hear or read someone’s blog when they are so sad and frustrated? But I had to write. I don’t know if it is healing to me or not, but I am getting it off my heart and onto paper.

I am living almost hour by hour, waiting, watching TV and not hearing it. Sleeping and waking up too often. For me, this needs to be over. For Al, I pray it will be soon.clock

Weekly Writing Challenge; DPCHALLENGE

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http://jackiespeaksit2014.wordpress.com

#DP Challenge

This week, weave a story about yourself told through the lens of your past December 23rds.

When I think back to past Christmas years on the 23, I get mixed memories. Smiles, sadness can appear and then fade a way as I go year to year.

Christmas as a kid was always the same. Wonderful, magical, excitement! Those were the days.

Christmas as a married adult meant working over-time, need of more money, lots of presents under the tree for our children. Giggles and screams of delight as wanted gifts were opened.

A divorce and remarriage on the rebound means sadness to me. A husband who made life hard to exist. Him hiding when people came to our house. Embarrassment, replaced delight of seeing people. Wanting to get the day over with. No money, very few gifts. It was always a sad time for me and an angry time as well. I saved my little bit of money I earned each week and finally was freed from this relationship.

The loss of parents that you love leaves the biggest gap in your heart. Christmas joy is ripped a way. Tears and sorrow replace all other feelings. Robotic movements kick in as you try so hard to carry on in a normal way that Christmas is supposed to be. Always glad when it is over, but sad when my kids leave to go back to their homes.

Christmas this year I dreaded with all that I have. Excitement over my kids being here. Sadness over wondering if Al would make it to the holiday. Thankful he was here, sad he slept through it. Not as many gifts but gifts that were wanted and enjoyed. Plenty of food and good conversation took the sting out of what was happening in my brother’s bedroom.

I am glad Christmas is over. My tree is down and the house looks more back to normal. Al is still here having bad days, and some better days mixed in. I treasured each moment with my entire family, knowing in my heart that there will never be a Christmas like this again.

Christmas will come once again. The 23rd will arrive without delay. People will come and some will never be seen again, but hopefully the future will open new doors. New memories and I will once again smile, remembering the pasts and looking forward to the future.

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