If It Feels Good, Just Do It
You probably don’t realize because all you read from me anymore is sadness, but I hate it. I hate…
You probably don’t realize because all you read from me anymore is sadness, but I hate it. I hate giving you my grief and my sadness.
Shouldn’t a writer be able to transfer himself into another pair of shoes and write from their angle? Shouldn’t I pick-up on the wonderful posts that are heavily perfumed with happy signs?
I laugh when I read Maxine. She is hysterical. For a few moments I forget where I am and get in her mind of laughter.
Or I would like to post about the wonderful day I had today. A day at the park. Watching kids swimming and running. Playing in the sand.
I want to, I really do. But my mind and body are tired when I think of getting in my car. Heading out to where people are. I see them chatting, lovers holding hands, eating together at restaurants. And the crowds of people mulling around the clothes racks and I just can’t deal with it.
I love God. I believe in him, but I am lacking. I still think of my own feelings. Maybe I don’t weigh heavily like I should on his word. Maybe I am too selfish or too human. Maybe I can’t move forward or behind.
It feels like I am stuck right in the middle. My life is moving around me. I am the one in the middle watching it go without me and yet my feet are frozen to the ground. I am too full of what is happening in my own walls.
I try to move out, I try to move ahead, but it is difficult. Without your prayers Lord only knows where I would be. There are parts of me that just want this over. Slam the door shut. Write the chapter out, close the book, but I can’t, or don’t know how.
I know that yesterday when I took my memory trip I realized that this town I live in has nothing but sadness written all over it. My parents are from here and they are gone to heaven now.
Family that I loved and trusted are no longer in my life and they are too close in distance, and my heart is too delicate.
I am not into sports so there are no ballgames for me to attend, my choice, of course. I don’t swim because the lakes are too unsafe anymore. My best g/f lives out-of-town, and my daughter is out-of-state.
Now don’t for one second think I am on my own pity trip here, because I am not. I am sorting things in my mind. Finding priorities that make me smile. Doom and gloom have filled my heart and soul for so long.
I need to break a way. My life will change when Al is no longer here. And I say that lightly because if God wants me this moment, I will be gone before him. I can’t live like this if he goes before me.
I can’t keep digging the hole of sorrow deeper, I will drown. I knew yesterday that some parts of my sadness are brought on by myself. I make my life what it is. So I have made a decision. I don’t care how much money I have or don’t have. I am not staying here.
It was great when family was here. It was wonderful when family spoke. But now, it is a terrible place for me to live. I want to move a way. Move to where the sun shines more and snow is less. I want to be where I am wanted. I want to see tons of trees and hilly land. I want to be where people talk whether I am a stranger or friend. I will move. This is my goal, my yearning. I need to live, breathe, laugh and love again, and in this city there are too many memories to do this. I want to start writing a new chapter in my book of life.
For all the love you bring into my life. For all the prayers when I only need to ask. For the tears that you wipe from my eyes. For accepting me without questions. I dedicate this song to all of you, my wonderful friends, followers and visitors.
Some days I just don’t know what is wrong with me. Today is one of them. For the last two hours I have been reading posts and writing my own but……..underneath it all I am on the verge of tears. I feel heavy in my heart with sadness. I have no idea why.
I have sat here a few times and looked in the mirror and plastered a smile on my face but it doesn’t look like me. I had a good day, a little mind-boggling but good. So what is my deal? I have the most wonderful blogging friends. I have great kids, but yet I feel so empty and alone tonight. I even have my American Idol on and very oddly for me I am not following it like I usually do.
I thought if I spit this out and read what I wrote I would see the problem, but I still don’t.
Remembering days gone by
When under a weeping willow tree
I played with dollies, just them and me.
Parents surrounding my entire world
Friends calling to come out and play
Life was good and all was going my way.
Now I look back at what I had
And treasure the moments gone by
As I sit here alone with tears in my eyes.
Parents pass into the heavenly realm
Changes we do not ask for come upon us
Some of them hitting like a big giant bus.
Holidays are coming and some sit all alone
Remembering good food and love everywhere
Wanting so desperately to be needed and share.
I wish I could go back and change that big clock
And hear mom and dad’s voice just one more time
Waiting to see Santa, just waiting in line.
People come and go out of our lives
A few who drift in stay your whole life through
Now the holidays are here, and I’m longing for you.
Alright young lady get back up
And quit acting like u been hit by a truck
You have no need to feel so low
So let’s take the past and let it go
You don’t want your friends to think your numb
Or have them worry that you’re oh so dumb
You’re not a teen with plenty to do
You take care of a brother who leans on you
So thank your lucky stars today
That you can breathe another day.
She was sitting on the swing, that was surrounded by many weeping willow trees. Her feet
slowly moving back and forth, giving the movement a mere whisper for anyone to notice. Her head bent downward, and tears falling from her eyes, as the funeral home was here picking up her father who had passed away only moments before.
Grief gripped at her heart and tore it wide open, letting feelings of sadness and dismay pour out. Her father had been her idol her entire life, and now he was gone. Only early this morning, she had held his hands and used her soothing words to comfort him. She knew the pain that he was suffering, but she also realized her own pain that was rising up over the boiling pot, had to be much worse than anything he could be feeling.
He could not do this to her. He had rescued her when she was but a little child. When she looked up into his eyes, and he smiled at her, this assured her that he was all she needed in her life.
With him, there was security, and love, a child and a father’s love. There was nothing more important to this child, than being with her daddy. He was Superman, capable of fixing everything that breaks little girls heart, and now he was gone.
As she sat swinging, she looked out over the trees, and asked God why he had taken him from her. She had grown up to believe that God was a good God, and he could fix pain better than even her own daddy.
Who would be her hero now. Who would she turn to in times of grief, or run to with good news, only to know she would see the smile that made her feel so secure and needed. She heard many birds up in the trees singing, and she felt angry, as she didn’t want them to be celebrating his pain being over. She wanted the world to quiet and feel her own loss.
The hearse came and the hearse left, leaving behind the screaming, for only herself to hear. She got up out of the swing, and casually walked to the water’s edge, and watched the reflection of herself in the rippling waters, asking the shadow who she was. For what she saw was a tall woman, who carried herself with a grace all of her own. She saw her own eyes looking back at her, but could not find the tears, the same tears that were dripping from her own eyes.
As the water softly moved she imagined herself lying on top of it, floating out to bigger waters, being lifted by God, to go to where her daddy had gone. She searched and waited for a sign that told her it was alright to step into the dark shadows and drift away, but no sign came.
She let herself fall gracefully to the ground, her fingers entangling with the soft blades of grass. She buried her head close to her body and she wept a daughter’s grief. She poured all of her sadness and pain into the black earth, until there was left behind nothing but dry dirt.
It was over, be strong, be courageous. You are the eldest child, there is much to be done. She pulled herself to an upright position, and using her arm as her blanket, she wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked out over God’s beauty, having found no answers, and stood up and walked back towards the house. She found herself alone, as she walked the old too familiar path of the grounds.
No one was in the house and she slowly picked up the phone and started making the calls to inform others of the sad news. Life does move on, but it takes time to heal. For some, kick back is smoothly running, and for others the grief still remains ever-present.
Filling the void, left in the heart, is a chore, and sometimes hidden behind faces, waiting for a day to fully grieve the loss, only to be found still carrying this heaviness many years later. Well wishers and foods came and went, and once again, she found herself, thinking of her daddy wondering what she should do next. How would he be handling something like this if it had happened to him.
Then she snaps into reality and realizes he didn’t know how to deal with pain either. Many times she had visited him to find him sitting on the swing, gently using his feet to move the swing, staring off into space, and looking closer, you could see the feelings that had risen in a man’s heart, with after flow of tears falling. This was what he had felt, and this is how he reacted when he lost his own wife in earlier years.
The trickling effect of life being born and ending, had made its way down the path of a family generation, and now it had stopped here, marking its territory on the only children left, the last of the generation.
Life moves on, smiles come and go, chatter still continues, but the void left behind in my own heart still burns with pain. I love you daddy and I miss the comfort of you being near me. I hope you are doing fine up there in heaven. Give mom a kiss for me, and in no time at all, we will all be a family together.
I am sad right now, and I have no reason to be sad, right? I have set the scales on the table, and spread my feelings on them. I am trying to sort my feelings out and get my act together. I have been down and out for about four hours now, and I hate myself for being this way.
On one side of the scales, I have God, many friends here at WordPress, food on the table, roof over my head, bills are paid, health is not too bad, too heavy though, but I could change that and I ignore it.
On the other side of the scales, sits sadness, alone, lonely, mom and dad are in heaven, four hours a week to get out of this house, no job, don’t see my kids enough, but I could change all this, only by making choices.
It all started on Friday. I was feeling so many feelings. Upbeat, nervous, anxious, excited, kiddish. I had these feelings continue all day Friday and Saturday, and until early afternoon today on Saturday.
I had a phone call Friday. Someone from my past, years and years ago in school, was wanting to pay me a visit. I was flabbergasted, I was so excited, but the closer the time came, the more nervous I got until I had butterflies flying in my stomach big time.
The visit came, the talk was picked up like the last time I had seen this person, and before I knew it, the visit was over. Sadness kicked in out of south field, bringing me down to the bottom step of a high-rise.
I started questioning myself. Yep, I sure did. This visit was a reminder of one of my most happiest times of my life, and I wanted it back again. I wanted the desires of being special to someone once more. I wanted someone’s arms wrapped around me once again. I wanted to be held, comforted, I wanted to have the weight lifted from my shoulders of carrying my responsibilities by myself.
I know the words, I have them memorized. God will show you someone when the time is right. Trust God. I have been waiting for five years, and after today, I wondered why I am alone.
Someone mentioned earlier tonight, that they want to see my peacock feathers spread. To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to spread myself. I can spread money and make it last. I can spread myself to bring hope to others. I can spread my heart wide open to anyone needing loved or comfort, but I can’t spread my feathers, because I have no idea who or what it is that I am to spread.
When people ask me about who I am, my first response is a caregiver. I take care of ill people. This is where God has placed me. Other than that, I don’t know.
Right now, even though this sounds like a huge pity party, it is actually going to heal me to be where I was once before. I will go on. I will keep working with my brother. I will place desires of wanting someone to want to spend their life with me, and I will forget about today and the feelings that came to surface. No, not talking about sex, talking about being needed and wanted. To have someone look into my eyes, and see their love for me. Don’t get me wrong, nothing happened today, but wonderful talk, and visits to memory lane, but it brought to surface my hidden desires.
In reality the scales are out of balance, I can see. I have everything I need, just as God hath promised, but my desires and needs of the heart are still empty. Why can’t I just be satisfied with what I have.
Now hopefully, as I read this over and over, I will sit back and laugh at what a fool I was acting like. Loads of people live alone and love it. I just don’t happen to be one of those, but I will survive, right?