WE’VE ALL DONE IT ONCE


WE’VE ALL DONE IT ONCE

We’ve all done it once

Put our trust in them

Said it would never happen

Lips are sealed

Yet when the visit is over

And we are driving home

A little voice is whispering

Maybe we should have  been still

Our nerves begin to rumble

Our stomach begins to ache

Those were so important words

We  try to shake our fears

Tell ourselves all will be alright

This could never happen

A leak within cement

We walk around our kitchen

Preparing for supper time

The phone rings and we answer

It is our neighbor saying hi

A visit is planned

We put the coffee on

We answer the door

We try humming a song

Sitting at the table

Meaningless words are being said

Then the bomb explodes wide open

The trust we had is pricked.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

09.05.2014

 

secrets

 

 

 

I Can’t See Him, But I Know He Is Here


How does God speak?

I don’t usually write this late in the evening but I had to. I would not be able to sleep if I let this go. I always clean my cookies and shut down the computer but for some reason I did not know one half hour ago why I let everything remain on.

I am sitting here with a stomach ache and pain running through my blood. My muscles feel tight and I almost feel like I am going to vomit. I just got through watching Joyce Meyers. Someone two days ago and if I am thinking right it was my friend Cathy who asked me, have you ever seen Joyce’s testimony show?

I had never seen it I told her. Wait a second, I have to get myself under control. My fingers are turning icy and my arms are quivering. What is going on here? I feel like I am being taken over by something or someone. My neck feels stiff and my feet are cold.

Alright I am going to try this again. I went to my room and flipped on the TV. I always watch Joyce Meyers between 10:30 and 11pm. I think I am freaking out because another friend of mine, Cheryl had asked me to go back to the beginning to write about Al‘s Life Journey.

I had actually started my first chapter beginning when Al was diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. I have that saved and will put it in place when I get to that point. I did go back and I was forced to say for the first time out loud that I had been abused. I know Al was too, I just don’t know what kind of abuse he suffered. His fears early in life prove to me something drastic happened to him.

When I watched Joyce I felt like someone was picking me up and pulling me through the TV screen. The show was her testimony show that I was just recently asked if I had seen only a couple of days ago.

As my friend’s question began to race through my mind and  I listened to Joyce’s words about her own sexual abuse I was relating so well it was almost as if I had lived with her when she was young or maybe I was that black shadow watching from the corners.

She had it much worse than me and I thanked God that I don’t remember nearly as well as she does about our childhoods. The more I listened the more I kept asking myself, is this planned for me to hear? Is this book of Al’s Journey of Life supposed to be written right at this time in my life? It was actually making me feel uncomfortable because I could tell with no doubt that God had this all planned to the second. I say uncomfortable because facing fears is not one of my high points in life.

As I am writing this I can almost see a wilting, black rose shrinking over in the corner of my living room. I can almost hear screaming words of No! He can’t win! I am having too much fun. I have controlled her life for so many years. Just a few more years, let me have her for a few more years.

My eyes are watering as I feel this playing out right here in my room I am typing in. I have never seen God but I feel like he is standing so close to me right now I am actually shivering.

I can’t really tell you how I feel about hearing her sermon and how it is connecting to my story. My brain can’t take it in quick enough. But, I do know that something good is going to come from this. I do know that there is going to come a time where I too shall be set free from the feelings of never being wanted all my life.

Some where through this typing I keep getting this nudging that keeps telling me Al is involved with this too. Al is filled up with Parkinson’s. I don’t know how I can help him by God healing me. Maybe it is just that Al consumes my mind so much I am thinking about him even as I write.

Several people have told me through this year of blogging that maybe I am the one to learn a lesson through Al’s illness. I have always dismissed this because I would get angry. I never want or wanted to be the reason Al is suffering from this terrible disease. But now I am softening around the edges. I still don’t know what is happening. I feel foggy and yet I feel God very clear right here, right next to me.

I will stop now because it is almost too much for me to digest. All I know is something happened in my bedroom on my bed while I was listening to Joyce Meyers talk about how God healed her from her past. And now she is a witness to others leading many to Christ.

Good night my friends……….

Chapter 3


Human embryo at six weeks gestational age

The next morning brought a rush to the bathroom, seeing a girl bent over the toilet throwing up. She finished and got up and looked in the mirror and looking at her reflection, she knew that she was pregnant.

How was she going to tell her mom and dad? How was she going to tell Henry? She washed her face off and went back to her bedroom and laid down on her bed. She didn’t want to live, she just wanted to lay here and die. What had she done to herself?

Fear took over and she began to weep. She buried her head in her hands and cried until there were no more tears to come. She rolled over on her side and reached down with her hand and touched her belly. Nothing felt different, she didn’t feel anything, but inside she knew.

She didn’t know what to do, where to go. Were her parents going to kick her out of the house? Where would she live? Maybe she could get rid of this baby. The first thing she needed to do was find out if indeed, she was really pregnant.

She got up off the bed and got dressed, and went to the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee. Maybe she would drink two cups, maybe that would make this thing growing inside of her, go away. She sat at the table thinking what she should do next, and then decided to walk over to her friend’s house to seek some advice.

Finishing her one cup she headed over to her friends and knocked on the back door. Laurie’s mother answered the door with a big smile, letting her in, and telling her that Laurie was in her room, cleaning. Jane thanked her and walked towards her friend’s bedroom door and knocked. She heard a voice saying come in, so she opened the door and shutting it behind her, she went over and sat on the bed.

Laurie turned her radio down, and went over and plopped herself on the bed beside her and said,” What’s up? What have you been doing with yourself? I didn’t see you too much yesterday.”

With hearing these words, Jane broke down in tears again, and Laurie put her arms around her and said,” Hey, no matter what’s happening, it can’t be that bad. Tell me what’s going on? Did you and your mom have a fight?”

Jane looked up at her friend and quieted her sobbing long enough to tell Laurie, she just knew she had blown it. She knew that she was in big trouble, she was  pretty sure she was pregnant.

Laurie dropped her arms from around her friend, and stood up, walking over to her vanity and sitting down, looking at herself in the mirror, and asking Jane, “Are you sure? Have you gone to the doctor?” Jane shook her head saying no she had not seen a doctor. How could she go to a doctor? Wouldn’t the doctor call her mom and tell her?

Laurie stated as if she was an expert on the topic, ” No, doctors can’t say a word to anyone. They have some code or something that makes them keep their mouths quiet. Your mom and dad will never know. What you need to do girl, is get an appointment, and find out for sure. Here you are falling apart, and you don’t even know for sure!”

She walked over to her bed again and sat down with Jane, and opened up her bedside table drawer, and pulled out the phone book. She looked at Jane and asked, Who is your doctor? Do you want to go to the doctor that your parents go to, or do you want to go to someone who don’t know you?”

Jane thought it over for a second, and then said, ” What do you think the doctor will do to me? Is he going to make me get undressed? Do you think he will look down there?” Laurie laughed and said, ” No silly, you will go into the doctor’s office, and just pee in a cup. Then they do some kind of test with it, using a bunny, and if the bunny dies, you are pregnant, and if the bunny lives, this is a false alarm!”

Jane thought for a quick second, and then said, ” Well, if that is all that is going to happen, then let’s go to that clinic over on West Main Street. No one will know me there, and I can pee in a cup just as easy there as I could in front of my own doctor.”

Laurie thought that was a cool idea and said, “Hey, they are open today, and I don’t think you need an appointment. Go back to your house and put some clothes on that make you look older, then come back here. While you are gone, I will change my clothes too. We want to go in there looking like we know what we are doing, right?” Jane nodded and stood up and Laurie walked her to the door. Jane turned to Laurie and gave her a big hug and told her thanks for being her friend, and to please not say anything to her  mom about this, and Laurie, crossed her two fingers and promised, she would not say a word.

With this Jane ran back over to her house, and the two girls were busy now trying to make themselves look a few years older. After Laurie felt confident she looked her best, she went and found her mom, and said that Jane had to run some errands for her mom, and was it alright if she went with her.

Her mom said it was fine, and to have a good time, and to stay out of trouble. Laurie promised and went back to her room to wait for her friend. It took a while, but soon Jane was knocking on the door, and when Laurie opened the door, she stood there staring at Jane, and said,” Wow, girl, you look so cool! No one would know that you were only 16!”