Alone, Outside

English: One of many garbage bags at a sports ...

English: One of many garbage bags at a sports event. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Before, I say anything, I just want to let you know that I am in a good mood. Although, having to go outside and pick up crap was not fun.

After getting up this morning,and realizing no one was going to be stopping by, I took my time drinking my coffee and enjoying my blogging friends. I even showed off one of my granddaughters earlier this morning.

The sun was hinting to me that it was warming up as the central air kicked on. I fought it very hard, but inside my heart, I knew I needed to get outside to clean the yard before I turned into a roasted marshmallow!

You realize this is the same thing we do with God also. We know what we need to do. It is right there in our mind and our heart, but we fight it and fight it. We either turn our backs on God and turn into a disappointment, or we listen to him and do what is right, and move in his work and word.

So, I get myself dressed in a one piece romper, terry cloth. I know I do not have the figure to wear it, but who is going to see me?, a passer-by, the squirrels, or maybe an old lady peeking out of her window? haha. I walk outside and I feel the heat. I have my flip-flops on. I know I should be wearing my shoes and socks, because I have diabetic Neuropathy, but gosh darn, it is hot, and my feet were begging me to be free. I felt the sun beat down on my delicate little fat toes, and I quickly moved to the shaded areas to start my job.

I believe this is the fourth clean-up job for me,although the other three were done together with other helping hands, so it is just me out here alone. I do what I tell others never to do. I work for a while, and then look at what is ahead of me yet. I do know that doing this makes me more tired than I was a moment ago. Never preach what you will not practice.

As I moved inch by inch, I was picking up nails, staples, little pieces of tar papers, and single pieces of shingles, and some of them were double shingles. I filled up three bags and a garbage can of trash. What made me a little irritated, wasn’t the fact I was cleaning up from the roof left overs, but I was picking up the guys junk also. Water bottles, bottle labels, cigarettes and food wrappers. Are you serious? I have to touch those dirty butts that someone else sucked on and had in their mouth? Cooties for sure! LOL. I know they deserved to smoke, and drink, and even eat, but something about touching those ciggy butts made me ill, and I smoke, so it must be a germ thing.

I had two small piles on the cement where the car sat, and I tried a couple of times to sweep them into the bag with my broom and a dust pan, but I could not keep the flimsy plastic trash bags open, and they are even Hefty ones, strong, powerful, made to do any job! Not!

I go inside where Al is sitting all nice and comfy in his recliner, in the cool air, and ask him if he can help me outside. He didn’t want to go, not so much because of the Parkinson’s, but he didn’t want to help, but he came out. I don’t know what was going on. Maybe it was the mental challenge, or the heat or the Parkinson’s or the idea he didn’t want to help, but it was a useless idea. He could not or would not hold the bag open for me, and when I tried putting the dust pan inside of the bag, it would only catch half and the other half went back to the ground. Now it is 91 degrees out here in the shade. I can’t do this. Diabetics, at least me, do not do well with our sugar management when we are over heated. I sent him back inside, and went to the natural scooper, my hands, and got all of the big stuff, then used the broom and dust pan for the final touches.

I put all the tools away, swept off the porch, ran the broom around the edges where there were millions of tiny pieces of sparkles and little beads from the old shingles. The edges of the house were coated so that the color of the house looked like black mold. After doing the sweep thing, all color came back. I picked up all extension cords, boom boxes, and walked all around the house with my little black bags. If a child would be a passenger in a car going by, he would wonder if I was Santa. My skin was turning red from the sun but I had a black goodie bag, instead of a red one!

After three hours, and a mild sun-burn so far, and a nice cool shower, and clean clothes, I have finished the project. Now I am going to post this and take a nap on my couch with the air running and a light weight blanket covering me with my own soft pillow. See you all later on, after Al wakes up from his nap!

Just One More Half Day

Today was the third day of the roof. It is my fault and yet not my fault for this taking so long. I am putting a new roof on my home, and my son is doing the job. My fault is in I didn’t get all the supplies together first, then stay here and have the roof done. The part that is not my fault, is I don’t know what supplies and tools are needed.

It all started Tuesday, my son came here around noon. Part of the day was spent on what would be needed, and the another part was spent on getting tools and supplies. The roof was actually started late Tuesday afternoon, with the old shingles being taken off. During the day no decisions were made as to what to do with the old shingles and tar papers, so the yard was one solid black paper shingle mess. Of course there were breaks taken for restroom, meal and rest breaks. A start had been begun, but plenty of work left to be done.

There was a deadline, not my deadline, but my sons. He has a weekend trip he wants to go to, and he told me the roof was a two-day job, and he was leaving Friday, so I counted, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. This is three days if I can still add at my old age.

Wednesday comes along, and there are vents to be bought and we have to get a nail gun, so back to Menards we go for one more trip. This once again gives workers a later than planned start. My son had his lady friend get up on the roof and help him. I watched over the grandson, who just turned three and watched over Al. They worked very hard, but it is a much bigger job and more detailed than I ever imagined. The edgings, getting all of the nails, and staples out of the old roof, taking vents out. They made good progress when you looked at the front of the house, but if you went out back and looked you saw no changes.

So Wednesday evening all are pooped out. No one was interested in picking up shingles from the ground, and I knew that my back could not take the constant bending over to help also. I had been on my feet all day getting this or that for others and cooking and trying to keep the ship sailing smoothly. When you are standing on a hot roof, it tends to make you a little bit more short-tempered, and these kinds of little things stress me out very quickly. I don’t like arguing, I never did, but now that I don’t have a partner in my life, I only have to listen to Al.

The shingles had to be picked up, and no one was moving. I always have been a type of person that if something needs to be done, I will figure out a way to get it done come hell or high waters. I went to a neighbor’s house and asked if I could hire them to help pick up, and they said yes. I also stopped a pick-up truck going down my road, and asked them the same question. They also agreed. I had to pay, but it was worth it to me. If I am going to continue to make messes, then as I finish each part of the project, I clean behind me. It saves me a lot of time and hard work. These two people were much more refreshed then my family and in no time they had the yard back to normal. The roof was not even half done though.

Today, Thursday, bright and early my family comes back. No one had to go get any supplies. The two of them started putting the edges on, which I also learned a lot from this part, that it is very time-consuming. My son made a comment and whether he intended for me to hear or not, I did, and he had said he was leaving in the morning, and if the roof was not done, then so be it.

Now this didn’t roll with me at all. We are on the third day of a two-day job, and I knew in my heart the job would not be finished today. My son is a perfectionist when he works and I so appreciate this, but let’s face it, there are many time-consuming jobs to do when it comes to roofing.

I felt so bad for the girlfriend. I knew that no one could pay me to get on a ladder, so I was of no use, and I knew with the heat and the sun, and the frame of a woman’s body, we can not lift those heavy bundles of shingles. Here I was, once again, playing Mighty Mouse. One man and one woman on the roof, with over three-fourths left to go and they were leaving in the morning. Great.

I didn’t know anyone to ask if they were available to help. I don’t know people here any longer and the ones I do know are older than me.

Sometimes I ask God for strange requests, and this was one of those times. I sat there on my outdoor swing asking God for help. Nothing came into my mind, and then I saw a red mo-ped go by. Bingo, there was the idea, God had planted. I took the grandson and we went for a walk. The next time the mo-ped came my, I raised my hand like I was a school patrol. I bet I looked funny. Stop!!! In the name of the law!!, and he did. I walked up to this complete stranger and asked him, would you happen to know anyone in our neighborhood that wants to earn some money by helping my son shingle the roof? He told me he would go  home and ask his uncle. Within ten to fifteen minutes the guy came back with his uncle, and after brief introductions were made, the job was moving along faster. Now we had three men and a lady. Doesn’t this sound like a movie I watched once? Or was that three men and a baby? Well, I don’t remember, but this is who was on top of the roof.

Now here is where I put my nose in too far. I am thinking of my son who wants to leave in the morning, and can’t work fast enough to finish the job. I am also thinking of myself, sitting until Monday to get the roof started once again. You never know, or at least I don’t, what humidity can bring to an open roof with only tar paper on it, but my imagination was doing all sorts of thinking on what could happen. I wanted my son to not rush too fast and fall from the roof, or  his lady friend, and I also knew as the day progressed it was getting hotter, so I wanted to save everyone. This seems to be what I do in life, be a life saver.

What I didn’t take into consideration is the fact that all three of these men did not know each other, and all three had their own opinions. They did not get along real well, each one wanting to do it their way, and finally, my son climbs down the ladder and takes a too long of a rest. I felt awkward inside, as I knew these other men were there to help my son, not do the job alone. I tried talking to my son, but it didn’t help. The other two men worked until four thirty and then they all left, so they were there five hours.

Now the roof is ninety-five percent done on one half. The other half has all the edgings done so it just needs to be shingled, the easiest part. After the two men left, my son and his girlfriend got back up on the roof and did two more bundles.

When they came down, I had chicken in the crock pot, and I made some home-made macaroni and cheese and fixed green beans. They came in and we all ate. Al would not eat the chicken, too difficult for him. After dinner, I paid them and they left. I cleaned the kitchen back up, and am sitting here drinking my coffee and blogging to you.

In my mind I am thinking, the new two guys will be here at eight am tomorrow morning, my son and his girlfriend will be on their way to their weekend trip, so it is Al, me and two half strangers. According to my son, since just shingling is left on one half, they will probably have it all done in less than five hours.

I am hoping so. This turned out to be a much bigger job than I thought, but God is bringing me through it. Just one more half-day, then the weekend belongs to Al and me.

nail gun, photo taken in Sweden

nail gun, photo taken in Sweden (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Hanging On To You

Lord Howe Island snorkeling - Double headed wr...

Lord Howe Island snorkeling – Double headed wrasse clown fish and others (Photo credit: Percita)

Hi bloggers. I am writing to each of you that respond to me, all in one blog reading.

I don’t feel well today. I don’t normally make it an plan of action  to write this many blogs in so few hours, but I need your friendship at this moment.

Good news. I have hired a respite caregiver. Her name is Shannon. I fell in love with Shannon as soon as she arrived here. She went straight to Al’s room and interacted with him, while he showed her all of his coca cola items. I could hear her making a fuss over each one as if she had never seen anything like it in her life. She left him to talk to me for a while. She said she was going through the ads,but before she started reading them, she prayed, that God would show and guide her to someone who needed her. The way she feels about life, and her complete attitude had won me over. Al liked her also, a good thing. She is going to be able to let me out of here once a week, and once a month I get a whole day, like eight hours.

The heating and air man came today because of an issue I was having. Not much wrong, but still the bill was pricey, as everything in the world is. Next my son called me and told me the price of the shingles for my roof was double what I was quoted.

After we hung up I called the store and they had only quoted me for half a roof. They forgot to times it by two, so my mind went into shock, as I knew I had no choice, as the old roof was torn off yesterday. He has left to pick up the shingles and other supplies, and Al is taking his nap, so the only thing I hear is silence.

I should be grateful, but I am not. I have this huge butterfly nest in my stomach, and my heart is hurting terribly. Not like a heart attack, but like a I am alone, and I am scared, and I am fidgety. The pain in my heart is from all the stress that has been building up for months. Agitated that I can find no comfort in anyone around me. irritated that it has taken so long to find a caregiver that actually wants to help me. Battling with my own edges of depression, fighting hard to keep my sanity. Leaning on God for anything I can grab a hold of. I feel like I am going to snap. My eyes feel like they are going to flood, but nothing happens. I feel helpless, not hopeless, but helpless. My age and diabetic issues keep me going backwards, forcing me into reality that I can no longer do the things I once used to do. That with age comes weakness of the body. I hate asking for anything in life.

I feel guilty because I feel bad. I have just found the perfect caregiver, and I know God has put the two of us together, but I still feel sick.

I don’t understand why I am the way I am. Trust in the Lord. Give him all of your worries, do not lean on anyone here on earth. God will take care of me and everything that I need he will be here for me. So why do I want to just lie down and cry my eyes out. Why is my heart acting like my brother is already gone, when he is sleeping in his own bed.

Is something catching up with me? Has something been following me for sometime and I am just now realizing it?

I went to my friend Aina’s blog, link above here, and I instantly felt more pain, but I forced myself to listen to her song she had on there. She was telling me about her two-hour walk, and the restaurant that she, herself, had picked out. She chose her own meal, and listened to the live band play. As I listened to the songs, and followed the words in them, utter loneliness crept inside my soul and heart. I wanted this. I wanted this so bad, I could almost taste it. I wanted to be around those people, listen to that music, eat my dinner with calmness.

I am where I am because this is where God hath placed me. I am doing the Lord’s work as he as asked me. Why can’t I be content. I need to stop! I need to think of others over myself. I have a job to do and a soul to look after. I am disgusted that I can possibly want more.

It has helped somewhat to write again my feelings, but the heart is still aching. The loneliness will turn into loud noises once the family is back. I can once again put all of this behind me and save it for another day.