Merry Christmas From Me To You

I am sneaking in here on the computer for a few minutes to touch base with you. Al has not changed at all. He is constantly talking but most of the time I can’t understand him. His latest words are 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1,dead.

Imagine listening to that all the time. He has asked to be taken to Indianapolis. Of course he is sort of out of it. He has said that his taxes are behind, and they are not. He is so scared of the dark, that he request to have his light left on all night.

He says if he sleeps he will die, so he does everything in his power not to sleep. I was up most of the night last night. It is hard to even sleep through the day because when you do not respond to him he starts yelling.

I don’t want to be this way but the thought of Christmas doesn’t bring a smile to my face. I just want it over. I am looking forward to seeing my kids but that’s it. I want to tear the tree apart. Shove it in a box along with all of the happy, pretty decorations and just call this year a mess and hope for a better year next year.

But to all of you, my wonderful friends, I want to wish you each a Merry Christmas. May your day be filled with joy and love and peace.



dancing snowmensnowflakestwinkling treenativity-scene1

The Return To Home Today

Restless Flycatcher (Myiagra inquieta)

As if I don’t have enough to think about I woke up this morning wondering what was going on in my  under mind. You know, the deepest part of us that knows all. We are clever and crafty creatures that walk this earth. We can tell ourselves anything and if we say it long enough, we believe.

A good example is my looks. I know so many of you have said I look nice but I have convinced myself with plenty of practice that I do not look nice. It is sort of like being a cook. You get the bowl,(brain) together. You mix negative thoughts, a few pity parties and the lack of acceptance, and shazam, you have I am not pretty.

It is the same game for everything else. We can tell ourselves just about anything, but when we lay down at night and we go into deep sleep, the true mind is alive and well.

This is what I dealt with last night. I didn’t even go to sleep until 2am. I was tired, I hadn’t had a nap that day, but sleep came slowly. Oh, the mind was racing.

I was stressing over one particular problem I am  having with another person. I was trying to decide how to make things right, get my point across and yet do it gently without hurting the other person.

Sometimes it just can’t be done. There are other people who don’t think about we as much as he/she. When you are facing that kind of person, sometimes bold truth has to be used or maybe a white lie.

So anyways, I was going over that like winding up a ball of yarn. I went to sleep with that on my mind and then two hours later when I should have been in deep dream world I woke up. Restless and wired, ready to get up, but not enough sleep.

I laid there for two hours fighting this. I refused to turn on the TV because I was afraid I would watch it. I forced myself to lay in the dark. I was going to win this one. I was going to sleep.

The last time I looked at the clock it was 5am. I woke up at 8:30am. I had things to do and my friend was coming between 9 and 10, so I got up. Looking at my face in the mirror I saw the red eye lids. I splashed cold water on my face. This helped a little. I brushed my teeth and got me a hot cup of coffee.

Sitting out here at the computer I was sitting still. I was thinking about how Al is coming home later today and then it all clicked together and I knew why I slept restless. Nerves, yes nerves.

A tug and pull sort of war going on in my head. While I slept half-way my mind knew the real issue. Now that I am awake so do I.  I had five days to revamp, getting ready for the next challenge taking care of Al.

My hands had healed from being in so much water and cleaners. I got more sleep than usual. I was able to sleep in an extra hour each morning. I stayed awake about the same time frame each night, but I wasn’t listening to the baby monitor.

Now it is going to return to the old schedule. I am happy and yet anxious for Al to come home. Hearing the nurse say they were feeding Al now slaps me silly with the acknowledgement that Al is getting worse, even when he isn’t here.

There is no pretending for the most part. Al is not doing any of this for extra attention. He is definitely ill and he very well knows each little thing he is having to give up in life.

I can tell people that for the biggest part I am doing fine, but am I really? Sometimes, not all the time, I do get tired. I do worry that I am not understanding what he is really trying to tell me.

There are times I do want to go to bed earlier than him. Maybe I could but I would sleep better if I knew he was asleep before me. Of course it would be easier to turn him on his side if I could just have some help.

So many little things and yet when it is all done and said with, I do it. I take care of Al because I want to, out of love, he is my brother. I am not rich, not even close, in fact I stress a lot about how bills are going to be paid, but so far God has made a way each and every month because  our bills are paid on time.

But in the end when the mind meets day and night, I have to be as brutally honest and admit I am nervous. I am still tired, I am anxious. I know I carry a load bigger than myself, but until God sends someone our way to help here with Al, he knows that I will carry on.

Now that I have said it out loud, and I can see it on black and white, we, two are in agreement. I am calmer, I am still sleepy, but I am ready for him to come home.

I Think He Is Tired

Al was pretty quiet last night; but the night went without incident. Al had his bedtime snack. I believe that this consisted of a Pop Tart, in Cherry, and his diet coke. He took his bedtime medications. I changed his brief and helped him in bed.

Once again Rhino mewed loudly, letting Al and I know that he had been laying in Al’s bed first and he wasn’t a bit happy being disturbed. Oh well, life moves on  Rhino. Adjust, and be happy you are on the inside in air-conditioning and not outside at night.

Obviously, Rhino didn’t agree and didn’t get off the bed. He made Al and I work around him. Can you believe this? A cat who thinks he owns the joint?

Well both were in bed and Al covered up. I told him good night and that I loved him and he said his usual yeah. One time I would like to hear him say love you too, instead of yeah, but at least he speaks.

I went to bed immediately. I could hear his TV in the baby monitor. An hour later I still heard the TV. I finally drifted off to sleep. Lately I have been having these wicked dreams. They are each about the same topic. Someone is trying to take Al from me. Sometimes they are made of monsters.monsters Other times I can see real people who I know, but they are not nice people.Strangers-movie-15

I have a feeling that the reason for these dreams is the fact that I know Al will one day be leaving this earth.

This morning when I woke up I was tired. When I got Al up he didn’t want to get up. I have a sneaky feeling he stayed up pretty late watching Counting Cars on TV.

I asked him what time he went to sleep since he was useless in the Helping Department. He said about 1am.

I explained to him that I want him to be able to make his own decisions when he can, but we can only stay up late on Friday and Saturday nights. The other nights we should try to go to bed earlier.

It is sort of a no-win situation for him. He tires easily from M.S.A. so when he gets home from the Day Program he is exhausted. As soon as supper is over he pleads to go to bed. I have placed a limit on the evening nap time through the week nights especially. A lot of times even after a nap, he will continue to doze off and on in his lift-chair.

Al was not able to help move his feet, brush his teeth. His head was at all-time low. I told him I could really use his help and hoped he would consider my offer to sleep a little earlier and watch TV less in the late hours. He didn’t say anything.

I did notice that he was sweating very bad. I knew that inside his body his illness was taking advantage of him being tired. I noticed that he had some slight issues with breathing. Not gasping, but a heavy breathing.

I managed to get him to eat and I washed him up. Put clean briefs on him and clean shirt and shorts, shoes and socks. I filled his lunch bag. I got his show-n-tell item ready. Brushed his teeth and hair, and by  now I was the one doing the heavy sweating.

We made it though. Outside and ready for the bus. Here are some pictures I took of Al’s daily trip of his bus ride.

kabs busAl on kabsAl on kabs 2

The Cow Jumped Over The Moon

When we were little and couldn’t go to sleep we were told to count sheepcounting-sheep-karen-aune. If that didn’t work we could be asked to count the cows jumping over the moon.cow-jumping-over-the-moon While we laid there believing that what our parents said was gold, we would see shadows bouncing on the walls.shadows on walls Or maybe we would see big scary things under our bed.

Now that we are all grown up, what can you think of that we could do or see when we can’t sleep?

Maybe it could be images of bills.scary bills Maybe it would be stress at work.stress at work

Or maybe we would dream of a vacation together.laying on beach Or maybe a trunk filled with gold coins.TREASURE_CHEST_s Or maybe we would dream of our wedding dress we would wear one dress

What would put you to sleep quickly and have a restful night?

Daily Prompt; Feed Your Senses

Daily Prompt; Feed Your Senses, DP, Daily Prompt

Write down the first sight, sound, smell, and sensation you experienced on waking up today. Pick the one you’re most drawn to, and write. (For a bigger challenge, pick the one you’re least drawn to.)


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Daily Prompt; Feed Your Senses, DP, Daily Prompt

Write down the first sight, sound, smell, and sensation you experienced on waking up today. Pick the one you’re most drawn to, and write. (For a bigger challenge, pick the one you’re least drawn to.)

Photographers, show us one of the five senses — bonus points for depicting a smell!

Oh boy can I have fun with this prompt. Alright imagination, get to work and let it fly.

Every morning is the same. I wake up to the sight of that darn old sun. What does it take to let it know that I went to bed late and I ain’t a ready to get up? But now that I am awake one more day, I guess I will give thanks to the one above who watches over me every night.

Thanks God for giving me one more day to go through what I have to deal with. Amen

You have to realize that I sleep with a big old grizzly bear. Not only is he a bear, and way too hairy for me, hence his nickname, he snores like an old freight train all night long. I just close my peepers and begin to drift off when out of the air comes his snoring.

My gosh, how does that man go to sleep so darn fast? Too bad there wasn’t a subtitle under “newlywed rules” that a person can add those extra touches; warning a body what he/she is in for.

I can remember back to our honeymoon. We shared some of the bottle, and I had went to the bathroom and put my softest flannel nightie on. Crawling into bed beside bear, I was now going to confirm what everyone said about the honeymoon night. I have to admit it was a bit better than what some had said.

After he was finished I had to push him clean off of me. I didn’t realize the weight of him until the after glow was over and I found myself not being able to breathe. All settled down, and the lights turned off he and I cuddled arm in arm to a nice restful night.

I swear it didn’t happen that way at all. I was startled. I tell you I almost peed myself as that first introduction to snoring shook the fear in me.  I looked at him and saw he wasn’t a paying any attention to me so I shook him and he didn’t budge. I grabbed a hold of his chest  hairs and gave a good tug and he sat up in bed like a rocket going off.

“What the devil are you doing to me darling? I ain’t a doing nothing. You just wore me out lady and I need my sleep.”

“I don’t like them sounds you are making. You need to shut off that noise so I can sleep.”

“What noise sweet pea? I don’t hear a thing. Do you need me to call the front desk? Do you think we have an intruder?”

“Nah you crazy fool. We ain’t got no intruder per say. Your snoring is the intruder.”

We both got a good laugh together and I must have done something right because we had another tornado develop in our bed again. Cuddled once again I learned pretty much to punch him in the gut or pull his chest hair until he rolled over.

Ever since that night I have never slept peaceful all night. And every morning when I get up out of bed, the first thing I do is get a whiff of stale farts when I toss the covers back.  Then there’s the cat. He is just meowing wanting his morning food. Good Lord, can’t a body take a morning pee first?

As I step down on the worn carpet my feet instantly step on crumbs where hubby and I had snacked the night before. I keep a telling him we need to stop this snacking in bed and you know what that old cuss says to me? But darling, snacking, you and me, that’s what night-time is all about.

Darn men, who needs them. You can’t live with them and you sure in the hell can’t live without them,(winks) if you get my drift.

Well, I peed, and I scrubbed my face and hands and brushed my false teeth. Scratching my belly I wobble out to the kitchen and feed that darn cat. Then I start the brew. I make my way to the living room and I plop my rear in my favorite squeaky rocker.

I look outside and see what is going on and then grab my Bible and read a chapter waiting for my coffee. I think of all the things I want to try to get done today, and I pray for all the souls that I know need help.

Well people, the coffee perking is done and there in the door way stands the big bear. Scratching his belly and farting, leaving space for his breakfast I am now going to get up and go make. I guess I can drink my coffee a few minutes later.