Do you ever feel like you do not fit in? You know, does your phone ring often inviting you to this or not? Does your phone ring just because someone is dying to talk to you?
I can remember when I was a kid and the phone seemed to ring off the hook once Mom got home from work. Friends from her work were calling or her and Dad’s friends were calling inviting them to maybe go out to eat.
When I got married and had three children at home, life seemed to be a big spinning top. There was something always going on. I had one and then two good friends that I did things with that included our kids.
There was always something going on. School activities, sledding in the winter, swimming in the summer. Taking the kids to their friends houses. Grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning the house.
Then one day the one good friend and I had a difference of opinion that led into a life long separation. I was down to one friend. The kids grew up and started lives of their own. I ended up divorced and I started tuning into more television crap and drama.
The television taught me that the excitement was found in being with other people. Drinking, bars, parties seemed to be quite popular. The way I looked was wrong according to the social media. I was not thin enough or tall enough. My hair products were not good enough. The right brand of make-up was not correct.
The media taught me that all of a sudden I was not good enough. For a long time I took the sound box and made it my own. I became quite aware of what God had made had many errors from the outer view.
I went through the outer change of life. I doctored the outer surface of me. I changed my
hair. Cut colored, tried a different look of clothing. It drew me some new head’s turning from some guys. The problem was that it wasn’t the right kind of attention that I wanted.
I tried visiting the bar scene a few times. With only ordering my diet coke I could not be the life of the party as some seemed to be. I finally quit that. I instead turned to the internet. Seeking companionship and new friends through various chat rooms. I talked to this one guy for over six months. Through an error in his chat a looked over fact came to sight. I was actually speaking to a girl.
I hate being lied to. It is my biggest pet peeve in the whole wide world. It takes no time at all to give someone my trust, but it takes for ever to earn trust back. I dug myself in my work caring for others. I worked many hours. When I would go home to my box size apartment, there was my computer waiting for me. I went about my business of doing the shopping thing and visiting my friend, but basically I spent my time with myself.
Now years later, New Year’s Eve and Valentine’s Day are the two ultimate days when I think about how I am alone. Other than that I have pretty much determined that I like being alone.
There are times I wish for a date or someone to go out to dine with, I am not going to lie. Getting married is out of the picture for me. I don’t want the training of a mate anymore, lol. I like being my own boss.
Writing has introduced me to so many people. I have gained the friendship of many. I have been blessed to have friendships that have gone even deeper. Meeting each other, phone conversations.
I don’t know why the media is based on a number. If there is any of us who have the slightest doubt of who we are, we can fall prey so easily to the hype and start feeling bad about ourselves.
Thanks to writing I have accepted there are things I can change. I can change my health to a point. I can get this body more fit. I didn’t say thin or glamorous , but fit. I can lower my blood sugars. I can even change the style and color of my hair.
But the fact is I can not change what I was made up of. My genes, my thought process is pretty much mine. I own it. I have discovered that I don’t need lots of friends. I have a few real close ones. I don’t need to drink, because truth be said, I hate the taste of the stuff. I don’t need to fit in, because I was already made perfect in God’s eyes, so I fit in just fine in his eyes.
I like going to bed when I feel like it. I like the silence of my life. I get plenty of noise when I go see Al. I get laughter when my family comes to visit. My phone does ring and it is friends who want to just talk. I am who I am. I help others when I can. I actually think the social media almost destroyed me, but thankfully I saw the light before it was too late.
Today, I will tinker around my house. Maybe change my sheets. I will do a load of laundry. I definitely will write. I probably will take a nap. I choose not to go out today, unless I get an invitation. I boiled some eggs and will make egg salad for supper. I will listen to some Piano Guy music.
It is alright, in fact it is fantastic, to say the words out loud. To jump and yell yes! I love being me. I like who I am. I go through valleys and mountains of course. But what is great about it is I have all of you to stand by me through the disappointments and joys of life. How much better can it be?