Out Loud Thoughts

It is almost 8pm and I feel empty and tired. I took a nap this afternoon but it wasn’t near long enough.

Al is sleeping. He ate some baby food for supper and ate it all. Today he had some ice-cream for breakfast and lunch but ate very little. He is drinking a lot less than he did a couple of days ago.

The TV is on, but the quietness is so loud. I guess I am just writing to have a friend to talk to. The nights scare me. It is dark outside, the winds are blowing and we are expecting a few inches of heavy snow between tonight and tomorrow morning.

I am afraid Al will pass while it is just him and me. I vision walking into his room, checking on him and he is gone. Part of me doesn’t want to go check, the other part of me checks on him maybe too often.

I would give anything if I could only hear him talk to me. For him to let me know like he used to what it is that he needs. All I can do is cradle him in my arms, caress his hair and let him know I love him.

I look around the room and it is void of any life. Furniture sits stiff waiting for someone to flop down on it. The TV blares but who cares. Even the seat I am sitting on feels cold. I can hear Al’s TV on. Family Feud, but he isn’t listening.

He used to be awake through any Family Feud, but anymore as soon as I am done feeding him or caring for him he generally goes back to sleep.

Al has not had any visitors from heaven lately and the dreams I was having of our parents are now gone. I can’t seem to sit long enough to enjoy a show on the television. My mind is constantly wandering.

I could take a shower but don’t really need one. I could pick out some cute clothes to wear tomorrow but why bother. I could cook or bake but then Diabetics really don’t need the sweets and anymore food isn’t a joy any longer since Al doesn’t eat with me.

You know, I just hate eating alone. I don’t really know why. You eat, you finish, but it used to be that Al and I would laugh about some TV show we were watching, or we would watch Antique Road Show together and then plan a day to go to the stores to look for goodies.

Life sure is different now. There are still two bodies in this house, but yet it fills like there is one. Unless a miracle happens I won’t speak to anyone until tomorrow morning when the caregiver arrives, unless she gets snowed in.

There are so many of you that I wish I could meet. I know some of you and me would be the best of friends. I have met many fantastic people on here. So many of you don’t just comment, you actually chat with me. I look forward to that so much.

I guess this is the storm before the dawn. I did decide what to have Al leave this world with. He will wear his coca cola pants, a coca cola shirt. His brand new coca cola hat that Marilyn got him for Christmas. The flag that Al got for him will go on top of his casket. I will make sure that only red flowers the color of coke cans are sitting on top of the flag.

He will look like the brother I know and love so well. No stuffy suits for him. I don’t want to see someone I don’t recognize. I think I will add a couple of his cars in with him and instead of him holding a Bible, he will hold a car.

Please don’t think I am being morbid. It has been too much on my mind that I need to make last-minute plans for him. I never did get the money together to get his tombstone. He does have his plot and I paid for his funeral.

No one wanted to let me make payments on his tombstone so I couldn’t pull that off. I was shocked when I learned they are almost one thousand dollars for a simple one. I really wanted a plain stone that said the coke man on it. He would have loved that, don’t you think?

I have thought a lot about our half-sister lately. Scared that she will suddenly show up at the funeral, but not ready to see her. There is too much pain from where I have reached out to her about Al being ill and she has turned her back on me. She has not seen Al for six years.

Her son and I have pleaded with her but she won’t budge. She is still upset that she could not get the judge to see that she wanted to be the one to care for Al. The judge saw that he was in good hands with me. Ever since she has treated Al and me terribly.

Faye, one of our caregivers said she would take care of it if the sis came in and started acting up. I trust that she will because I don’t think I will be able to act like a lady if she comes in. It isn’t that she doesn’t deserve to see her brother, it is the drama that she could cause that has me on edge.

Nothing on TV tonight. I am watching some show, or listening to Caught on Camera. There is so much junk on TV. I tried watching the Hallmark Channel, but seeing loved ones in love, makes me want to cry.

I tried watching the Uplifting Channel and it made me feel worse, so I guess it is this or maybe the Sirrus Escape station, but honestly, I have had that station on all day and it doesn’t interest me tonight.

I sound like an unthankful creature don’t I? I think I am just restless as an Indian waiting for the bomb to drop.

Al and me Christmas 2013