Do I Have to do This?

I don’t know what has been wrong with me the past couple of days but I have been tired and a little jittery. When I go out in public I tend to go into panic mode. I find myself wanting to go go home where I am safe;even though I accepted the invitation to go to an outing.

I find a few of those dizzy spells are coming back. Sleep helps. Last night I actually went to bed by 9. I don’t think I have done that in years. After chatting on Facebook I actually turned out the lights and went to sleep.

I woke up at 2am. I watched TV for a few minutes then went back to sleep. I woke up at 6:30 this morning still feeling tired. I figure I had too much sleep now. I am a little on edge already. It upsets me. I want to just shake it loose. I want to smile and giggle.

Maybe knowing a lady is coming here at 9 this morning is the culprit. She is cominng to ask questions about Al and how he died. I was told she had to do this according to State laws so Al can be considered legally gone from this earth and his case can be permanently closed.

Permanently closed? Deceased and gone? Case closed? I put her off already for a couple of days but now I have to do this. I wish I did not have to endure this alone. It makes me feel like I am preparing to go to his funeral again. Well guess I will finish my coffee and go take a shower.

Daily Prompt; The Heat is On

Daily Prompt; The Heat is On

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, Daily Prompt, DP

Do you thrive under pressure or crumble at the thought of it? Does your best stuff surface as the deadline approaches or do you need to iterate, day after day to achieve something you’re proud of? Tell us how you work best.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us PRESSURE.

Odd that this is the prompt for today. I was actually considering blogging…

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Daily Prompt; The Heat is On

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, Daily Prompt, DP

Do you thrive under pressure or crumble at the thought of it? Does your best stuff surface as the deadline approaches or do you need to iterate, day after day to achieve something you’re proud of? Tell us how you work best.

Photographers, artists, poets: show us PRESSURE.

Odd that this is the prompt for today. I was actually considering blogging about the pressure and then backed down from it in order not to accidentally bring down anyone else.

The weekend was the worst. Today is even more so. The pressure is on because listening to a family member tell you they are unloved, unworthy, a piece of crap, a zombie, is something that can rip up a family member’s heart.

I have been unzipped. My heart is wide-open. The tears started first thing this morning for Al and then I followed in his step. Listening to him is just about more than I can deal with. To know these are his true feelings, whether it is the low oxygen or not,  he still believes it at the moment he is saying it.

I would say my nerves are shot so early in the day. I feel like a hose ready to explode, but I have to keep it together for his sake.

I Made It Through One Day

I Made It Through One Day

As each day goes by, I battle more and more to remain the person I know I am. It scares me, even if it is normal to be so stressed at this point in life. I am scared of being addicted to the little white pill. Scared of being weak. Scared of letting Al down.

Last night I was having a panic attack. I swear it came out of nowhere. I felt so dizzy and I felt like I was just going to pass out right…

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I Made It Through One Day

As each day goes by, I battle more and more to remain the person I know I am. It scares me, even if it is normal to be so stressed at this point in life. I am scared of being addicted to the little white pill. Scared of being weak. Scared of letting Al down.

Last night I was having a panic attack. I swear it came out of nowhere. I felt so dizzy and I felt like I was just going to pass out right there on the floor. I was trying to give Al his sherbet for his bedtime snack but couldn’t pull it off.

I refuse to let Al see me ill or not feeling quite right. I don’t need him to start worrying about me on top of all he goes through. Al has had some changes. Sores have broken out on his ear. His head is locked in a position so that it touches he shoulder bone. Bone on bone and the ear problem are all on the same side. Medications to take care of this.

Constant turning him from side to side. The big, bad medications have been added back into his routine for comfort and relief from pain. He may not be able to get out of that bed, and yet he takes more care and looking after now than ever before.

So I was glad that my friend was here last night. I just looked at her and handed her the ice-cream bowl and ran for my bedroom. Laying down on my bed, flat on my stomach, I prayed to God to please help heal me from this terrible panic mode that has seemed to attach itself to me without invitation.

Slowly I worked myself out of it and came out of it in time to be able to return to Al to finish the nightly things that have to be done for him. I want it to stop. I want to return to the gal I used to be. I want to laugh again, shrug off the small stuff in life, but I can’t.

My shoulders are tight, my mind races constantly. I feel like I am spinning but with the medicine I am able to stay a way from falling off the tight rope.

Today my girlfriend took me out. I had to prepare myself ahead of time. Tell myself that I could be back in the crazy crowds of people. I took my medicine before I left. In the end I made it through it.

I bought me some good smelling perfume I had been wanting for over twenty years. Chanel. I bought me some new finger nail polish. I bought some new eye make-up brushes.

We went to an antique store and I bought a vintage pin. I felt guilt over buying stuff I did not need. She insisted that once in a while we just have to buy things we enjoy. Maybe I am just an old tight wad like my dad.

Either way, I made it, I fought through it. On our way home we stopped at Taco Bell and had a late lunch. Tomorrow we are going back out because Al is almost out of sherbet and baby food. Maybe we will stop at Shoe Carnival and TJ Maxx, who knows.

I make it through one day, hopefully I will make it through one more. I have to keep the faith in myself that this stress and panic crap too shall pass. When I got home I got on the computer and there was a big beautiful bouquet of roses from a dear friend, Connie. A nice way to end the day.

Get Your Rear Up!

Today, I did not do crap. I didn’t clean, I only fixed myself something to eat when I got hungry. I didn’t do much but play with Polly, work on her potty training, and sleep. I visited with my daughter-in-law and grandson for a little while. Wow, Polly does so good with potty training, and then as I say it out loud, she makes a liar out of me.

Last night I gave in and she slept beside me in my bed. She had her pillow and I had mine. She had her blanket, and I had mine. She only whimpered once at three a.m., and I had her potty on a newspaper. She did it immediately, and we both went back to bed and we slept, until 5:30 this morning, and then she woke me up by licking my face. She not only had to go potty, she was ready to play, so Terry, get your rear up, the day has started.

Tomorrow, I am going to go see Al, and even though he made a disapproving face when I told him about the gift of Polly, I am going to take her in so he can meet her. We shall see what he thinks of her. I hope that this is a nice visit, but if not, I have the choice to once again walk out the door.

I took a few more photos and added it to my web group on Facebook. If any of you would like to visit, just request an add to the group. The link is:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/483462575009756/

Stress And Fat

 

I was so excited this morning, when I discovered for the second day in a row, I did not have

 

 

to do a complete bed change on Al’s bed. Yipeee!!! I was able to sit down and drink my hot coffee and linger over my emails right away, while Al ate his breakfast of Toaster Streudals. He loves those things, and his favorite is Strawberry and Cream Cheese. I so wish I could have one, but they are loaded with carbs, sugars, and fats, but for him, it is alright, since I don’t want him to keep going with his weight loss.

 

I didn’t get any smiles this morning, but I did not receive tears neither, so I was content. After breakfast, he watched his divorce court show and part of The Price is Right, and then he decided to get properly dressed, as I had a doctor’s check-up for labs that I had drawn last week.

 

When the time came to leave the house, we headed for the doctors. He was doing well enough, that I left him in the waiting room and went back to the small doctor patient room by myself.

 

I had gained two pounds, and this is so disappointing to me. When I moved here from Florida, I had lost so much weight, but I was involved with the YMCA and Al went to a daycare, and the sun was shining, and I swam most of the year. Now that I am back, my physical activity is pretty narrowed down to cleaning the house, and once a month, rearranging furniture, to get that heart beat moving, and of course, my fingers get their work out on the computer and also lifting the fork to my lips.

 

The doctor said all of my tests were good except the usual culprit, the cholesterol, which I refuse to take the medications to lower it because of my mother’s warning, and the doctor knows exactly how I feel and how important it is to me what my mother told me. He said my sugars were better than last test time, my triglycerides were wonderful, kidneys were good, in fact, all was great. So, I looked at him and asked him why am I gaining weight? Is it because I get hardly any activities in?

 

He said he didn’t think it was what foods I was or was not eating as my sugar levels were acceptable. He said there was one area that was causing me weight gain more than anything else, and I asked, what was that. His answer was something I did not care for, because I can’t seem to beat the odds in that area.

 

Do you think you know what his answer was? The dirty culprit helping me to gain weight is STRESS! Yes, stress, he explained how stress causes a hormone change and causes weight gain. He also went on to explain that at this point, he did not want me to get overly concerned, because he knew what I was dealing with at home, then he smiled. He said everything will be back to normal one day, just be patient with life.

 

Stress? I never knew that could cause weight gain. Do you think I was stressed when I came through the birth canal? Because I have seen my baby picture where I had a couple of rolls of baby fat. Do you think I was stressed when I was in elementary school, maybe kids picking on me, or teachers that didn’t like my constant chatter. Maybe I was stressed as a teenager. Experts state that teenagers have to find themselves and where they fit in with life, and I would think this would cause much stress. Maybe, I was stressed when I got married, divorced, and did stupidly repeat that process one more time. That surely causes stress.

 

I think from now on, I will not blame that ice-cream cone, or that hamburger on a white bun from McDonald’s, and I won’t even blame my weight gain on that one little pumpkin doughnut, that I popped into my mouth for breakfast. I will blame everything on being a woman with hormones, who stresses out easily.

 

Now that I know who I am and why I am who I am, I decided that Al and I needed to celebrate my good report and finding the answers to being fat. So we went to the KFC for lunch and we had that new little sandwich, the Chicken Little sandwich? Yes, they are fairly good. They come with too large of a miniature sub-bun, with mayonnaise and two pickles with one long chicken strip. They are alright, but not that great for cheating on my carbs. I should have went to Ruby Tuesdays and had a fish snack pack. Now those carbs are worth eating!

 

Then after we finished lunch, we went to our favorite little thrift store, and Al immediately scanned the aisles for coca cola, and found two tin type signs, and I bought two car air fresheners and a tiny pair of baby satin shoes to match the baby dress I had purchased there last month. They are Victorian, and you already know how crazy silly I am about Victorian era. I also found another lamp that is small with crystals hanging from it, with one single bulb socket. It is more like a night stand light. It was the right size, right price and so I claimed it.

 

We had a good time and  now we are  both home, and Al hit the bed for his nap, as his nurse is coming at 4pm.

 

 

 

Is This Me Speaking Out Loud?

Door and window (Photo credit: eltpics)

I don’t know why I am writing, or even what I am writing about. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well, at this moment, it seems I must be crazy, because my mind is spinning like a top. Maybe this will turn into a story, and maybe I will just end up rambling on.

I feel inside that I am a body, not a person, that has many doors, that people can walk in and out of anytime they want. Some staying for a spell, others taking what they want, and some just stepping one foot in the door to say an unkind word, then rushes out into the world again.

In order for me to be able to cope with the way people treat each other today, I need to have been born in the 1990’s. I need to give up God, and I need to just quit caring about others. This would make my world a lot easier  to live in.

I don’t like having a heart that can be hurt. I don’t like feeling pain from others words. I don’t like the feelings of being stomped on, or made to feel like I am a child who is not grown up enough to make decisions for myself.

I sit here and look outside my circle that I live in, and I see many doors with signs above them. The signs read, fear, lonely, no good, loser, rejection, stress, happy, God. I have walked through each entry, staying in some longer than others.

When are people going to see me for who I am? Why do people today want to think the worst? When are people going to realize that I don’t like being taken advantage of, or pretending that life never ends.

I am weak because I love

I shed tears because I feel

I see your pain and ignore my own

I give from me, because I am real.

Lord, help others to see me for who I am. Let them know that I am only me and no other. Let them see the tear in my eye, or the smile when I place a smile on their face. Let me not hear their hurtful words. Let me hear their love for me. Lord remove the wickedness around me, bring me peace for just today. Lord, I pray, that my actions speak from love and not what I can gain from this world. Let them understand me. Bring peace into others lives. Help me to completely forgive the ones who scorn me, Lord. Forgive me Lord, for those I hurt. I keep my eyes on you Lord, and know that someday this pain will be gone and I will be with you forever.

Without You Life Would Be Harder

2004 07 15 – State College – Mail to Self (Photo credit: thisisbossi)

My body and mind are tired today from yesterday’s adventures, but I am trying hard to find the good in today, so I wanted to just touch base on a couple of things.

I have decided to write the letters to the two aunts, having Al tell me what to say, then I will mail them with no return address. This way, I don’t have to be hurt anymore and I have done as Al wished.

Al and I do not know when he is going to pass on to heaven, but I tend to follow Al’s lead. He believes he is, and who am I to tell him he could be wrong. With all of the information I have googled, I find that Parkinson’s patients can live for several years in Al’s condition. For Al’s sake I hope this is not his case.

You may ask why I even went to see Julie, the sister, and the same reason is above stated, because Al feels like his time is near. I try to put myself in his shoes. If I could not drive anymore, or was no longer able to write, I would feel so frustrated that someone, who thinks they know more, would not help me finish what I think needs tended to at the end of my days.

Today, I got up because Al’s shower girl was to be here. I felt terrible in general. I think it is the emotional stress taking over. I actually came out on the couch and slept once again. Now, I am awake but feel like I have been drug through a mud bath. Moving along but in slow motion. With God’s help and the wonderful comments made by you, I will be back on top in no time at all.

So, I am taking it easy, and maybe tonight, I will write a fictional story, or add something to Al’s journey for you. If not hopefully tomorrow.

One good thing I have to add for this day, is the credit card was found! It ended up being on the floor board between the seats of my son’s truck. This was a comfort to me, although, I knew no one could use it, it is comforting to know it is now cut and in the trash.

Al is having an excellent day. He has bounce in his walk and I have heard no complaint of pain from him. I did tell him that I talked to Julie, and that she hadn’t changed from before. I told him, we would write a letter together to the two aunts, tonight after dinner.

So a few good things I have found today.

I want to thank each one of you for your comments, your words of comfort. You do so much for me and help me to keep standing. Each of you I have taken into my heart and you have become dear friends to me.

I am going to do nothing really today, just continue to heal. I can’t help but get angry at myself, that I would let another human being do this damage to me, but I am trying to improve.

God bless each one of you. I love you all.

Trusting Family Or God

If you think that you can fully trust anyone on earth besides our heavenly Father, I am here to tell you first hand it is not so.

Everyone has a deep secret in their lives that they don’t tell anyone, except maybe their best friend. I have one of those too, but after being sick to my stomach, and feeling the lowest I have felt since my father passed away, I have to write it down, or go crazy. I have had terrible thoughts today, the worst I have ever thought. I don’t want to make any foolish mistakes and hurt my brother or my children.

I will shorten the story and leave out details that will only drag it on.

When Al and my father passed away, my father was involved with a money hungry lady. Soon after they were involved he found out he had leukemia. Immediately, she would tell me behind his back that she wished she would never had met him. This hurt me so bad. This was my father she was talking about, and naturally, no one ask to get ill. I took care of him the whole year he was sick and also had to listen to her cut him down, but I kept quiet, because dad was afraid if anything was said, he would be sent home to die alone. He lived in her house this whole year. I took care of him physically and medically, and she fed him and lent him her home.

For her credit, I will say that she was a lovely woman to look at, but her tongue was wicked, and she always knew what to say to each person to make easy friends.

When dad died, the little bit of family I had left turned their backs on us. They wouldn’t speak at his funeral, and during the funeral there was too much personal talk being said about their personal lives.

I decided to take care of Al after he had his heart attack, and have continued this care for almost five years now with no words or hugs or concerns from the few family members left.

Now that Al feels like his time is almost near to leave this earth, I have already told you of the request that he wanted to visit the cemetery. What I didn’t tell you, was the other part of the request. He wanted the two aunts and our sister to know that he was sick.

This is something I battled with. I knew the anger and hard feelings that had never healed, and yet here was my own brother, wanting his family to know that he was dying, or at least he thinks he is dying. Who am I to judge.

After two  nights of terrible dreams, waking up in sweat, and hardly any sleep, I decided to honor his wishes. I started with our sister. I went to her, and it was awful. She cussed me out, screamed, and basically told me where to go. I told her why I was there,that it was at the request of Al and she said nothing.

You are probably thinking why does she feel this way about you? Why would she be so angry? What did you do to her?

Without getting to technical, it is over money. It has always been over money. Money can tear families apart. Wills can make some people turn into crazy people, and this is what happened here.

Now I have done what he has asked for one person, our sister. I have not had the guts to tell him how it went, so have said nothing yet. I don’t even know if I can continue this to the two aunts.

What hurts so bad for me personally is, no one has offered to help with Al. No one calls on his birthday, no one calls to see how he is doing. Money has come between us all.

Now I have to consider what to do next. Get a hold of the other two? Ignore Al’s request? I don’t know. So when I say that there is only Al and me left of our family, I now know it is not words, it is so.

I will continue to care for my brother for as long as I can. I will love him and protect him and watch over him. God will let me know in some way when he wants me to place him, and so no matter what is said, I will continue on, because he is family, he is my brother.