I Am Needed
I should feel so honored that the first thing in the mornings I am needed. I barely get my eyes…
I Am Needed
I should feel so honored that the first thing in the mornings I am needed. I barely get my eyes…
I should feel so honored that the first thing in the mornings I am needed. I barely get my eyes open when my cat, Rhino is right there with meowing. He is wanting to be petted. I have never in my life seen a cat that is so demanding in the petting department.
As I roll out of bed, my bathroom needs me. I feel the toilet calling out to me. Then as I turn to leave I hear the sink saying, don’t you want to stand close to me and feel the showers of drops surround your fingers?
As I exit the bathroom I hear my coffee pot screaming at me. Fill me up, fill me up. Put some water in my tank and let me show you what I can do for you. You and I will be the best of friends today.
I am always needed at the cat bowls. Filling the one with fresh water and placing new cat food. What would Rhino say if he came out to eat and the bowls were stale and empty? I am truly needed in my own kitchen.
I look to my computer and I imagine how it has missed me through the midnight hours. I gently rub my fingers over my keyboard and it begs me to sit and visit for a while. I quickly glance at the time and realize I could possibly sit here for ten minutes. I can’t resist, I have to sit and talk to you about my early mornings.
Quietness is what I desire. Even the cat’s meow and the coffee perking place a smile on my face as I know I am doing things just for me. Soon it will be time to get off of here and go to the bedroom of my brother.
Hoping and praying to see that smile on his face, I know he needs me. He needs me to help hold him while he transfers to his wheelchair with very stiff legs. He needs me to let him know that I understand his mornings are rough and that I have compassion for him. He needs to know that I am going to be the one to change that brief, wash him up and put clean clothes on him.
He needs to know that I will be the one who will fix the breakfast of his desires. Whether it be chocolate chip pancakes, or french toast, oatmeal with chocolate chips and banana, or maybe sausage and eggs, he needs me.
He needs my help to place the toothpaste on his toothbrush. To turn it on and with hand over hand he needs me to help him brush his teeth. He needs me to hold his head up while he drinks from the tiny cup of water to rinse the toothpaste a way.
He needs me to take a truck or a car and place it in his backpack so he can go to Day Program. There he will be able to put the spotlight on him. He will feel important and worthy.
He needs me to make his lunch and pack it. He needs me to push him down the ramp and wait with him while we wait for the bus to come pick him up. After he is seated and I am waving my usual wave and expressing my love for him, I turn around to quietness and I smile as I walk back up the ramp once again, knowing that inside my four walls, Rhino needs me, supper plans are calling out to me. A new cup of coffee and my computer are singing out to me.
Cleaning needs me but I tell all to please hold. I want to enjoy this last part of my quiet morning before the world comes to life.
Rain, rain get the crap out of here. You are driving me crazy. Last night I accidentally knocked over the glass sugar shaker and shattered it into a million slivers and of course the sugar just had to go down into the stove and around the burners. This was a real nice mess to clean up.
This morning, I woke up way before I had to. I wanted to sleep but could not. Now in the late afternoon I am ready for a nap and I can not. I have to start supper.
I had to go to the grocery store plus I thought I was going to have to go pick up medications for Al. I also had an appointment with the Hospice nurse. I decided to get the groceries checked off my list. Two things I wanted could not be found. Then I spent $20.00 over what I wanted to spend.
On my way home from the grocery store it started pouring, so I got to carry the bags in with no umbrella. I also had a phone call from some people working on Al’s side. They wanted a list of Al’s medications. Sorry, I don’t carry them with me.
Once home I dried off then put the groceries a way. While I am doing this, Rhino, the cat, is going crazy because I left him here all alone so he was under my feet meowing constantly for attention. When I was finished with that I realized I had forgotten the new sugar shaker jar.
Then the phone rang. It was the pharmacy letting me know I could not get Al’s medications until next week. I checked while on the phone the date she said on the calendar and realized I had called it in too early, sorry Pharmacist.
Then a package that I had expected last week did not arrive. So today with looking like a slob in real clothing the doorbell rings and a stranger is standing there with a box. She ask if I am me and I said yes. She had been on vacation so my box had been sitting at her door. Well this is good, at least I got my box. Thanks Jo.
The cat isn’t happy with five minutes of petting, he wants more, so he is still meowing.
I had bought some sweet treats fresh from the bakery for a meeting that will be held here tomorrow. I receive a phone call stating the meeting has been changed to Wednesday. I wonder if I will still have those treats here once Al gets a whiff of them. He has turned in to a real sugar lover. I may have to hide them.
It is still raining. The fair is going on but it is raining. Does that during the fair each year. Oh well, I am too afraid to ride the rides anymore. Plus I don’t really want to walk through the animal barns and sniff pig, horse and cow crap.
Well, I have to get supper going now, so my free time is over for this day.
Aren’t Mondays just the coolest ever!!!! Not!
Diabetes And Raccoons
80 degrees with too much humidity and I have been cleaning all day. Put my old work dress on. It…
80 degrees with too much humidity and I have been cleaning all day. Put my old work dress on. It is good for hot days and cleaning as long as I don’t have to answer the door.
I have been opening the house wider and wider. I am making sure Al doesn’t have to work too hard to get anywhere in here. I would consider ripping the carpet out of the living room and putting the new laminated wood floors but wow, Indiana is so darn cold in the winter. I am just going to wipe that idea under the rug. I think he is going to be too weak to push himself on carpet, so I will become the pusher woman.
I have not seen Al today. I didn’t receive any phone calls either. No word from his x-rays, so I am assuming they are very slow or no damage internally was done.
I think of him often when I am not with him. I will be doing something here that has nothing to do with him, and he will pop up in my mind.
I have dusted, mopped and washed down the living room walls. When Al gets home I will have to start smoking outside. It will be hard for me but I can get used to it. A lot of people I know smoke outside. Only the weather in the winter will be hard, but hey, maybe I will cut down so much from outdoor smoking, I will quit. I can hope.
I had a hummingbird feeder out last week and the stupid raccoons got a hold of it and busted it all to pieces. They drank the sugar-water too. Darn raccoons. I wish they would go live in other trees.
I bought a new one and filled it up and put it on a higher Shepherd’s hook. If they get this one down, I am going to ask them what their secret is for being able to jump so high.
I was talking to some friends on Facebook. I am really struggling with keeping my sugars at a good level. My doctor says my stress keeps my sugars higher. My friends told me that meat, veggies and little dairy are the main entrees. I feel like I don’t eat much the way it is. Most of this week I lived on cherry tomatoes and fresh strawberries. I eat meat. My problem is my cheating. I get sick of eating meat and veggies so I look elsewhere. I know this is wrong, but I can’t seem to get it under control. I have one slice of bread a day. I don’t eat potatoes, but I do eat a lot of cheese, including cottage cheese. I eat more eggs than I probably should, but they help keep my sugars down.
What am I supposed to eat? That sounds good, but what about all the other days and months moving forward?
Do any of you have struggles with your sugars? My doctor wanted to put me on insulin the last check-up, but I am scared. What if it goes to low?
Aside from cinnamon, which doesn’t work for me, what do you eat? What do you snack on when you just have to have something sweet?
My doctor appointment is coming up in June and I really want to get them lowered. I do fairly well during the day time. After supper I don’t take the same medications so it rises a lot higher. By morning this comes back down, but it shows my A1C test to be out of range.
Any ideas or suggestions, recipes that are common, I sure would appreciate. Thanks
Set a timer for ten minutes. Open a new post. Start the timer, and start writing. When the timer goes off, publish.
What? No time to think. A timer set for ten minutes with no preparation? I don’t know if I can do it? Let me think, no I can’t. I must ramble on and hope that this makes sense in the end.
It reminds me of when I go to an interview or maybe when I go to see Al. I know the correct answers. I know how I want to act but will things go my way? What questions didn’t I think of that this person sitting across from me in his gold-rimmed glasses might be going to ask me? What kind of mood will I hit when I walk into Al’s room?
I usually like to have a basic plan when I set out to do something. Whether it is having family here for a meal, or dining out like the book reading today. When I have no plan, do I look like a lost puppy? Do my eyes give me a way? AW look at her, she is lost. She doesn’t know her way around or how to get home.
Nope, I like a plan. Even my tiny suppers here at home have mentally been planned for a day or two. Looking through the cupboards and the freezer. Taking mental note about what is maybe reaching the expiration and getting ready to commit freezer burn needs to be used up.
Today on the way home from seeing Al I stopped at the grocery store. I picked up lettuce, Roman tomatoes, some ground turkey and shredded cheese. Oops wait, I need some taco seasoning too and a cheap bag of taco chips. No wait one more thing, back down the aisles I go again to get the mild salsa.
You see I knew in my mind what I was going to feed myself over the weekend, but I didn’t have the paper list, so I ended up going down those lanes over and over picking up items. If I would have planned on paper also, I would have been in and out of the grocery store in a lot less time.
As I was getting ready to check out, I had to stop at the frozen ice-cream section. I read all of the boxes that said no sugar added. Did you know that these special boxes with less sugars actually have more carbs in them? It is almost better to eat the regular good stuff with a couple of more sugars because they have less carbs.
In the end I didn’t buy any. I told myself that I didn’t need it. I may be too tempted at night when I am watching the television and have a huge bowl of ice-cream instead of the normal size.
Well I have one minute. Now do you get the idea of how scatter brained I can tend to be with no prior plan. If I looked more in detail at my life, I would probably find this fault in other areas also. But on the other hand, I wouldn’t have so much fun going back over the aisles saying hi to even more people.
Well, time is up!!! See ya.
This was so precious and I loved it. Ute has invited me over for a cup of coffee. Her web site is
How many cups of coffee per day? 3, two in the morning, and one after supper
What is your favorite caffeine delivery system? Folgers, breakfast blend
What was your best cup of coffee? The first one of the morning
What was your worst cup of coffee? When I put sugar in it, gross.
What does your favorite mug say? I love Lucy, my favorite cup Ricky and Lucy
How do you take your coffee? With powdered cream only
When was your first cup? Around the age of 25, but it had sugar in it. I never tried it again until 2010 and have been a coffee junkie ever since
Have you ever gone on a coffee tea date? Yes, a blind date, a real disaster.
I would like to invite others for coffee. Sit with me and let’s chat and eat cookies.
Life is a Song, Love is the Lyrics « Prayers and Promises
I was slipping so quickly into a mild depression after placing Al in the nursing home. I didn’t realize that I would go through this. I knew that I would miss him, but to get to the point I could see nothing but God and hit and miss things surprised me.
Then I quit eating as much as I did, plus I took up sleeping as a part-time job. When I went to the doctor and was told I had to go on insulin, I knew I was in trouble. I asked for thirty days to heal myself or at least to see a positive change. With the encouragement of so many friends on here, and the fear of needles, I signed up for classes to help myself.
So the classes involve Monday, water aerobics. This is a class of seniors, doing water exercises. I didn’t really think I would feel too much from the class, but believe me I did.
Tuesday’s class I went to was a yoga class. This helped my mind, plus stretched the muscles. I felt like a ballerina as I did things with my body that dancers do. It was delicate and romantic, if you looked at it in the right prospective. I truly enjoyed that class. In fact I go back tomorrow for the other session for this class.
Today I went to Zumba for seniors. It was for seniors when I looked around at the other participants, but it felt like I was getting a youthful work-out. I broke out in the sweat. I moved to Salsa and Zumba. I bent, I jumped, I swayed and I wiggled my hips. I got a good work-out. They may extend this class to two days but right now it is only on Wednesdays. The bad thing about this class was that I kept fighting off the munchies all afternoon. I did eat but I ate healthy. I did cheat on some whole wheat crackers. I think I ate about six of them.
So I did it. Since I noticed that my whole being was changing, I have now lost seven pounds. My sugars dropped a lot. They had been running in the high two hundreds, which was rare for me. Last night before I went to bed I checked because when my sugars are where they are supposed to be, I struggle through the night with them dropping down in the sixties. I feel very sick when this happened. One or two times I have had to crawl to the kitchen to get something to eat because I was shaking and sweating so bad, I could not walk.
So I check my levels now, so I know whether to get food to place on my night stand. So my sugars were 106. They had dropped from 280 down to 106 with just three classes so far. I am going to say this without bragging. I am so proud of my effort.
I don’t understand why my feet are so cold. I don’t mean cold like cold, I mean like ice, burning ice. Right now I have a sock type slipper on my feet plus my Ugg look-a-like slippers on and they are on the verge of being cold. I already blogged about how I had to deal with them last night like the burning cold they got.
Anyways, tomorrow is the last day, unless Friday I want to pick up another water class. That class is Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. I picked Monday only because of the other classes, but I do have Fridays open. Should I go or let my body rest and sleep in.
I also need your prayers. I have been praying for two months for a job. Now that Al is not here, I really need to go to work, at least part-time. All I know how to do is be a caregiver, and a writer. I placed a babysitting ad on a Facebook page but after a week, I still have received nothing. To very honest, I don’t know what God wants from me. I listen but hear nothing. I placed three ads for care giving and nothing. That is not the way it used to be. I had more job offers and not enough time. So please pray that I hear what God is saying. If there is a brand new door opening, pray that I see it.
When I was asked to read at the book club on the 24th of this month, reading one of my stories, I quickly pondered on whether this may be a brand new door, but I know in reality, it is rare to have writers earn money, at least enough to call it an income. I am not stressing out totally, but need to be doing something to earn money.
I have to be careful though what I do and this does worry me. I have bad neuropathy in my feet. I can’t stand on them very long without feeling like I have no feet. So this would keep some jobs from me. I have arthritis in my lower two discs in my back so this would eliminate long-standing for me. So thus the prayers being asked from you. Thank-you in advance for praying for me.
Today I was hit with a brick. The red brick came flying at me out of the doctor’s mouth. I
was suspicious. I have been for around two months. You know,,,,,it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I was probably expecting it.
I had to go to visit my primary physician today after having blood work drawn last week. I always dread it because of my sugar levels. Although I have brought my A1C numbers down in half, it is never good enough for the statistics.
I have blogged so much about Al, my brother, you all probably feel you know him very well. What I have done is back off writing about him so much because I could not deal with it. Isn’t the old saying,Out of Sight, Out of Mind? I tried this method but it didn’t work. Instead, it got buried farther but still remained so close to the surface.
I could stand outside myself and see what I was doing wrong. I couldn’t stop myself though. My habit is to take diabetic medications before breakfast and again before supper. I have always considered myself a pretty good diabetic; considering I have had it for 31 years. I never had to take insulin. I have always been on oral medications.
Of course I cheated. Diabetics love sweets, or at least this one does. I have had problems arise from having it so long. I have neuropathy in my fingers and feet. This keeps me from doing some things that I wish or used to be able to do.
As I sat in the tiny office, the nurse took my vitals. My blood pressure was up. It wasn’t dangerous, but it wasn’t good. She left and the doctor came in almost immediately. As soon as I saw him I began to cry. I felt so foolish. I could not stop the tears. I was rambling on about my sadness, not eating, and guilt over placing Al between wiping my nose and eyes.
He handed me the kleenex box and listened until I became quiet. He was concerned about my sugar levels as the A1C test had risen two numbers. He suggested I go to insulin, and I freaked out. I had caused this all myself. I had no one else to blame.
I would take my medicines here at home but then not eat. Every time I ate I would get nauseated. I wanted to sleep all of the time but had restless sleep. I worried about how I was going to get a job. Two ads placed for a caregiver and both times no calls.
I feel so much guilt over placing Al it is making me sick. My sugars started to rise about two days after he was placed. Anything abnormal to a diabetic can cause the numbers to go up. Stress, agitation, illness, just about anything.
I mourn for the life I had before when my family was closer. I mourn for the loss of my brother. I have kicked myself so much in the rear for not being able to keep Al longer here at home, that if I could see my rear, it would most likely be black and blue. There Viveka, there is a funny! LOL
I wanted to be social, but yet I would not leave the house. The television became my best friend. Blogging became my second best friend. Without blogging and all of my awesome friends on here, I don’t really know where I would be.
I have dreamed of packing a suitcase and running, but where. I have thought about going to the mall shopping, but I didn’t want to buy anything. I was getting a little nervous. I was recognizing the depression signs. I needed help. Maybe this is why I spilled the fountain of words and tears to the doctor.
He wanted me to not only go on insulin but also an anti-depressant. Something happened after he walked out of the office. I sat there and wanted to die. I didn’t want to get my coat on. I didn’t want to go out into the world. Getting in my car was too much work. I felt safe in the tiny office, but I had to go, I had to leave.
I paid my bill and went to the car and sat. I lit up a cigarette and smoked it while the car warmed up again. I cried to the heavens, please help me.I don’t want to be this way. I don’t really want to die. Please God hear me.
I sat there for a few more minutes and then took off. Two doors down from the doctor’s office is a Wellness Center. I used to always want to go there, but the yearly membership is so terribly high, I could not go. I pulled out of the parking lot and without thinking, my car pulled into the Center.
I turned the car off and actually had a conversation with myself. What in the world am I doing here? I did not want to go here. Turn the key back on and get out of here, but I didn’t turn that key. I put my gloves and hat back on and I felt like someone or something was opening my car door and pushing me through the double doors.
I really don’t know how it happened, I swear, but the next thing I knew was I was saying,” I am here to get information on your walking track and classes”. The lady smiled and started explaining the hours and how much the classes were and how much it cost to walk the track.
I talked to her like I had known her for years. I told her, ” I am a diabetic. I just came from my doctor’s office from a check-up. My sugars are too high and he and I think I am slipping into a depression because I had to place my brother in a nursing home“. Again she smiled and told me that she could help me.
The class she recommended for me for my problems will work with light weights, and walking the track and some exercises for one hour two days a week. This class cost a total of one dollar per class. For twenty-one dollars a month I could go walk the track as many times per day and every day they were opened if I wished. I don’t know how I got such a good price. I guess it was my day.
I found myself signing up for the class and the walking. She said that we all go through trials in our lives. She told me I was in the valley and she would help me climb back on top of the mountain.
I smiled at her, put my hat and gloves back on and walked out to the car. When I turned the key and waited for the heat to return, I felt an odd feeling on my face. Like something was there that wasn’t supposed to be. I pulled my rear view mirror down and took a good look at me. I was looking for a stray hair or maybe a bug, but what I saw was a woman who was staring back at me. At the edges of her lips was the tiniest of curves. She was smiling.
I knew then it was me that I was looking at. Me, I was smiling, not very much but smiling. I have no doubt that God planted that idea in my head without my permission to go to the Center. I have no doubt that he knew it was the perfect timing for me. He knew that I had tried long enough to fix things on my own, but was unsuccessful.
All I have to do is get through today. The class starts tomorrow. The exercise class and the walking should bring my sugars back in control, and if not, then I will consider the insulin. my blood pressure should drop back down to its normal readings also. The classes should bring me into focus of real people around me. I have hope, more hope than I did before noon. I have hope that with God’s help and all of you, I can do this!