http://dailypost.wordpress.com, Daily Prompt, DP
Do you thrive under pressure or crumble at the thought of it? Does your best stuff surface as the deadline approaches or do you need to iterate, day after day to achieve something you’re proud of? Tell us how you work best.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us PRESSURE.
Odd that this is the prompt for today. I was actually considering blogging…
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, Daily Prompt, DP
Do you thrive under pressure or crumble at the thought of it? Does your best stuff surface as the deadline approaches or do you need to iterate, day after day to achieve something you’re proud of? Tell us how you work best.
Photographers, artists, poets: show us PRESSURE.
Odd that this is the prompt for today. I was actually considering blogging about the pressure and then backed down from it in order not to accidentally bring down anyone else.
The weekend was the worst. Today is even more so. The pressure is on because listening to a family member tell you they are unloved, unworthy, a piece of crap, a zombie, is something that can rip up a family member’s heart.
I have been unzipped. My heart is wide-open. The tears started first thing this morning for Al and then I followed in his step. Listening to him is just about more than I can deal with. To know these are his true feelings, whether it is the low oxygen or not, he still believes it at the moment he is saying it.
I would say my nerves are shot so early in the day. I feel like a hose ready to explode, but I have to keep it together for his sake.
Even Through the Night We Are Watched Over
Forget the toothpicks, put a way the splash of cold water. Get on your knees and ask the almighty…
Forget the toothpicks, put a way the splash of cold water. Get on your knees and ask the almighty God to do the difficult task that you can’t do. What is it?
Well my friends, Al never fell asleep last night until almost one in the morning. At two, four and five am he had me in his room. He was asking for pain medication and to be turned over.
When you are reaching the stage of nearing sixty, you can’t help but take a quick over view of what your heart is going to do after suddenly going from resting to rolling over a two hundred and fifty pound male.
I don’t actually think Al weighs that much any longer. He feels lighter but still, the heart is quickly in action. It is among these times before I grab the draw sheet that I quickly ask God for his blessing of power and control to turn Al over.
He can’t seem to be able to lift his cup, so I quench his thirst and massage his legs and then tuck him back in. I give him a quick rub on the arm asking him if he needs me for anything else. He quietly says, ” Sorry sis, sorry to wake you up. No, I don’t need anything.”
Of course I tell this gentle giant that it’s alright. It is no problem, this is what sisters are for. Then I watch through the glow of the white Christmas lights the tears once again start to fall from his eyes.
I lay my head on his shoulder and grab his hand and tell him it’s alright dear brother. Everything is going to be fine. God is in control of everything we do. Then I stand back up and pick up his head and move it in a more comfortable position on the pillow.
I roll up a pad and place it between his legs because his legs are in contraction. This will cause great sores from skin on skin plus it makes it hell to try to spread them in order to change his brief.
He is crying and his nose is running. Between soft sobs I can make out the words of how sorry he is that he woke me up. He explains how he doesn’t want me to tell him everything is going to be alright, when he knows himself he is getting worse.
I am forced to listen to words of how he is ready to die. I don’t know if God would approve of this or not because I hold no title, but I rested my head back on his shoulder and I grabbed his hand and held it. Then I prayed with and over Al. I am sure I must have sounded like a minister of sorts. God if you don’t approve of me pretending to be a preacher, I am sorry, but I have to bring comfort to a man in great pain and need of meeting you face to face.
I waited until he drifted off to sleep for another short session and then I stood back up and quietly walked out of his room. For me, hearing the old Hospice doctor tell me Al will be here for a few more months doesn’t cut it.
As I see the changes in him in this one week, I paste my vision of my brother’s eyes looking into mine into my memory box. I am never quite as sure anymore if I will see them open or not.
I walked back into my bedroom where I got a scolding from Rhino the cat. He was telling me it is still dark outside and I am supposed to be keeping him company while his fat fur ball lays there and snores. Yes, Rhino snores.
I smoked a cigarette thinking about how much more will Al’s body contract before it is finished and I remember back to the many patients I have taken care of. What a struggle it was to try to bathe or change them. I remember fingernails contracted so bad that the palms of their hands were bleeding.
I let a silent few tears slide then I got back out of bed ignoring Rhino and got on my knees and asked, ” Dear Lord, I know it is too early to early to get up, but I am wide awake. I am asking you to hold my eye lids open for a while and let me speak to my friends on the internet. Then I will try to get a few more winks of sleep before Al calls out to me again.
I have three and a half hours before the helper arrives. When she gets here I may sneak off to my room for a nap. It will be empty of Rhino as he will be on Al’s bed guarding him for the day.
Cher, Save Up All Your Tears
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDJKWf4y6WQ&feature=share&list=AL94UKMTqg-9AU_yniN6-c7pxGZWGt8Txy
I wanted to go to bed. I am tired and worn from today. Being out in the sun and pushing Al in his wheelchair, lifting it in and out of the car drains me. I was going to go to bed but I had to change Al once more for the evening.
That was it, it was over. No more happy minutes for this day. Ending in sadness, and too many tears.
My brother is so scared
And yet wants the pain to leave
He and I notice too many changes
His body is wearing down
Tears and tears streaming
Questions about mainly why
He wants to go to heaven
But he is too scared
He wants to get better
But he knows it isn’t going to happen
Sitting on his bed
Holding his hands
Tremors from him
Shaking my body
Gives me some sense
Of what he is going through
Each minute of the day
I used every word I could
I tried to bring him comfort
But it is impossible to do
When he knows he is
Slipping a way
Hearing his words
Breaks my heart
As he tells me he
Feels like he won’t
Be here next week
How can I go
To my own bed
And rest knowing
He is still crying
I could not stop the tears.
Written by,
Terry Shepherd
08/25/2013
Can’t you see it in my eyes
Can you not feel my heart beat
Are my tears not visible to you
As I hold my bag
Ready to turn around
And walk a way
Knowing I have
Done everything
In my power
To get you to
Notice me, alas
I have failed
Now I am here
To say goodbye
And as I reach
Out to shake
Your hand
You place
Your warmth
Over me and say
Oh my Cherie
I can wait
No longer
For I have loved
You for so long
But was afraid
You would
Not return my feelings
And yet now you
Stand before me
And your eyes
Speak of how
Your heart feels
This is not goodbye
This is hello
To our love
We will boast
To the world
Forever and ever.
Written by
Terry Shepherd
06/08/2013
Who I am 