The Return To Home Today


Restless Flycatcher (Myiagra inquieta)

As if I don’t have enough to think about I woke up this morning wondering what was going on in my  under mind. You know, the deepest part of us that knows all. We are clever and crafty creatures that walk this earth. We can tell ourselves anything and if we say it long enough, we believe.

A good example is my looks. I know so many of you have said I look nice but I have convinced myself with plenty of practice that I do not look nice. It is sort of like being a cook. You get the bowl,(brain) together. You mix negative thoughts, a few pity parties and the lack of acceptance, and shazam, you have I am not pretty.

It is the same game for everything else. We can tell ourselves just about anything, but when we lay down at night and we go into deep sleep, the true mind is alive and well.

This is what I dealt with last night. I didn’t even go to sleep until 2am. I was tired, I hadn’t had a nap that day, but sleep came slowly. Oh, the mind was racing.

I was stressing over one particular problem I am  having with another person. I was trying to decide how to make things right, get my point across and yet do it gently without hurting the other person.

Sometimes it just can’t be done. There are other people who don’t think about we as much as he/she. When you are facing that kind of person, sometimes bold truth has to be used or maybe a white lie.

So anyways, I was going over that like winding up a ball of yarn. I went to sleep with that on my mind and then two hours later when I should have been in deep dream world I woke up. Restless and wired, ready to get up, but not enough sleep.

I laid there for two hours fighting this. I refused to turn on the TV because I was afraid I would watch it. I forced myself to lay in the dark. I was going to win this one. I was going to sleep.

The last time I looked at the clock it was 5am. I woke up at 8:30am. I had things to do and my friend was coming between 9 and 10, so I got up. Looking at my face in the mirror I saw the red eye lids. I splashed cold water on my face. This helped a little. I brushed my teeth and got me a hot cup of coffee.

Sitting out here at the computer I was sitting still. I was thinking about how Al is coming home later today and then it all clicked together and I knew why I slept restless. Nerves, yes nerves.

A tug and pull sort of war going on in my head. While I slept half-way my mind knew the real issue. Now that I am awake so do I.  I had five days to revamp, getting ready for the next challenge taking care of Al.

My hands had healed from being in so much water and cleaners. I got more sleep than usual. I was able to sleep in an extra hour each morning. I stayed awake about the same time frame each night, but I wasn’t listening to the baby monitor.

Now it is going to return to the old schedule. I am happy and yet anxious for Al to come home. Hearing the nurse say they were feeding Al now slaps me silly with the acknowledgement that Al is getting worse, even when he isn’t here.

There is no pretending for the most part. Al is not doing any of this for extra attention. He is definitely ill and he very well knows each little thing he is having to give up in life.

I can tell people that for the biggest part I am doing fine, but am I really? Sometimes, not all the time, I do get tired. I do worry that I am not understanding what he is really trying to tell me.

There are times I do want to go to bed earlier than him. Maybe I could but I would sleep better if I knew he was asleep before me. Of course it would be easier to turn him on his side if I could just have some help.

So many little things and yet when it is all done and said with, I do it. I take care of Al because I want to, out of love, he is my brother. I am not rich, not even close, in fact I stress a lot about how bills are going to be paid, but so far God has made a way each and every month because  our bills are paid on time.

But in the end when the mind meets day and night, I have to be as brutally honest and admit I am nervous. I am still tired, I am anxious. I know I carry a load bigger than myself, but until God sends someone our way to help here with Al, he knows that I will carry on.

Now that I have said it out loud, and I can see it on black and white, we, two are in agreement. I am calmer, I am still sleepy, but I am ready for him to come home.

Daily Prompt; As Seen on TV


http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/23/daily-prompt-late/, DP, Daily Post

Write a script for a late-night infomercial — where the product is your blog. How do you market yourself? What qualities do you embody that other “products” don’t? What are the benefits of reading your blog?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us LATE.

Are you feeling blue, alone and sometime misunderstood? Do you need someone who cares to listen? Do you enjoy reading about real life stories? Do you want the truth instead of iced lies?

Well come visit my blog. Here you will read heart-felt stories. You will find out that you are not alone in your feelings. Do you think your messed up family is the only one out there? Here you will discover that there are many families with internal problems.

Do you know someone who suffers a chronic illness? Here you will see my daily walk caring for a family member.

What about poetry? Do you like poetry in simple form? Do you want to experience reading without digging out the dictionary? You can find that here. In my blog there are many followers that are caring and loving.

You will never feel alone. So the next time you are sitting up in bed, in the late of the night, feeling all alone and crying, come visit me. You can’t go wrong.Eyes Wide Open_0

I Will Always Love You


Al woke up teary eyed right a way this morning. I am sure it is the discussion we had last night. He doesn’t understand that no matter which way I move his bed around he still wants to lay in the direction of the wall.

The room is not accessible to move his TV in any area I wish. If it didn’t cost $75.00 I would have the pros come out and put extra wire in, but, I can’t. I had a talk with Al about when the time comes and he is spending more time in bed. I explained that he will have to adjust to how the bed is placed and try really hard to sleep facing the TV so he can watch it whether awake or not.

He is really noticeable with his heavy breathing. I was shaving him this morning and I could hear the breathing. I hate noticing these changes so easily. The nurse came later and said his fingers were dusky. There was that term again. I didn’t ask but I do want to know what it means.

It is amazing how the mind works. Although I am ready to accept Al leaving this earth, I am not counting down the days. I think Al is though. Just like the new baby I told you about last night. He already said he won’t be here for Christmas.

Do you know how much I want to get the Christmas Tree out this weekend and put it up glorified with all decorations? Why? Because I don’t want him to miss this year with me. What if he is right and he isn’t here. I guess it is super silly to put a tree up in October. Maybe I will wait til the end of the month.

Someone else in this house isn’t happy either. Rhino, our cat. He hasn’t left Al’s room much these past few days. When I go into change Al or do anything Rhino throws a fit. He howls a little and meows loud as if telling me to get out, don’t come in here, I am the caregiver now.

Last night when I put Al to bed, Rhino refused to move off the bed. Usually he meows at me and I tell him to move. He meow argues with me but finally gives in. Last night he wouldn’t budge. When I got Al in bed I had to actually scoot Rhino over and the two of them went to sleep head to head. The next time I saw Rhino it was morning.

Today Al didn’t go to Day Program so Rhino was in there and still is. When Al took his afternoon nap I once again had to try to move Rhino off the bed, but it was a no go. I decided to take a photo of Al and Rhino. I have been replaced by a new caregiver. I think Al and Rhino know much more than they are letting on. I think they know exactly what is happening.

 

al and rhino4

Yesterday Once More


yesterdayLooking back yearning

For what  once was

Lonely heart

Beating faster

As I remember

The way life

Used to be

Oh bring me

One more chance

To place everything

Back to yesterday

Yes, I see you

In my vision

Mom, Dad

Family, friends

I see your smiling faces

Let me drown in

Your beautiful memories

Let me live

Yesterday once more.

 

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

Oct.10, 2013

 

Weekly Writing Challenge: DNA Analysis


http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/30/writing-challenge-dna/

DP Challenge

Your challenge is to take something intensely personal — the bits and pieces that make you YOU — and use them as a springboard for a post that makes a larger point and resonates with lots of other readers.

mirror blocksWhat do I see when I look in the mirror? What do you see when you look at me? Two good questions with entirely different views; I am sure.

When you see my face, maybe you see a round, chubby face. Not very many wrinkles. Maybe a pudgy nose surrounded by short hair. A nice sister, a caregiver.

Pools of memories

Deep as the sea

You see in my past

And where I am meant to be.

 

When I look in the mirror I am disgusted. I see a fat, round face. Plain with usually no make-up. I see would haves and should haves. I end up comparing myself to some dorky model on the cover of a magazine or TV.

This causes  a snow ball effect forcing me to shatter the glass and walk a way.broken window

When I look at me

I wish for more

I wish for magic

To change my core.

 

It is crazy, the things I do. The thoughts I have. I don’t take the time to make that check list of what I see very often. Usually when I do, I go on a spending spree and try to make myself feel better.

Knowing why I feel this way about myself is opposite of knowing how to fix it. When you friends make comments on my blog, most of the time I am shocked, pleasingly shocked. I just don’t see it.

When I read the Freshly Pressed I know that I am not a deep thinker. I don’t pull things out of my hat to write about or make a statement. My life is my statement. If I just write about my deep feelings about what I do in my life, it makes me feel more content.

Being honest on  paper is much easier than looking back at my reflection in any mirror.mirror No one is looking at me and it is so easy to write my thoughts. Sometimes I want to kick myself in the rear for being a foolish old woman for thinking such negative thoughts. There is no sense in it. But old habits and old words still haunt me today.

What I am doing is taking a segment from your comments and saying them to myself; changing my thoughts. I am improving, and for this I am glad. So on that report card, I will give me a big check mark on the box marked; Improving.