Let The Angels Come, But Please Dry My Tears

I am so tired. My back is aching. I had no caregiver help today, and on top the other caregiver called off for tomorrow. My heart just sunk. Al is worse as of last night and I so did not want to be alone when he passed.

I am not saying he will pass tonight or tomorrow, but I won’t be surprised if he does. Last night I was having terrible times with his catheter. Today only got worse. I couldn’t even empty it because of what happens when the kidneys are shutting down.

Hospice nurse came out today and ended up taking his catheter out and putting a new one in. Now since 4pm he has had nothing but solid blood going through. It scares me, I am not even going to lie, but I knew I would have someone with me tomorrow, but not now.

The weather is bad or supposed to be high winds and below zero temperatures. I don’t want either of the girls to wreck or anything and yet I need the help. Too bad Al didn’t get worse in the summer, right?

I called Hospice back this evening and the only thing she said was,” Well he said he was dying in two days, right? Well, I guess I could have scraped the prostate, but anyways, it is almost all over.”

Let me tell you how much that did not help me hearing those words. Tonight I feel about as low as I can go. I was up until 3am with Al last night due to his pain and catheter. I was planning on going back to bed when the caregiver arrived, but that didn’t happen.

Now he is having his labored breathing and just staring into space. His cheek and one eye swelled up last night with fluid. Now that has left and the opposite eye is swelling up now. Hospice said that since the heart is slowing down I will notice pools of fluids in places. I guess that is one of them.

The swelling left in his one hand after having an internal catheter, but now the opposite hand is the size of a baseball glove.

I’m tired my friends. I’m drained to the bottom. There is absolutely no reason Al is hanging on and if there is a God out there, why would he want Al to suffer when there is nothing left but pain and bleeding and swelling to deal with. It just doesn’t seem right or fair or logical to me. I hope I get some sleep tonight, but with the constant bleeding, I doubt if my mind will shut down. Probably going to sleep in the recliner again tonight covered up with my best friend’s blanket she left here.Angel_Wings__Animated__by_Iaeniceye crying

My Spirit Soars

God, the Father watches us all everywhere.

God, the Father watches us all everywhere. (Photo credit: angelofsweetbitter2009)

I want to rid my world of pain

And throw it to the seas

I want to go back to childhood

And be all that was naturally me.

I don’t want to carry any extra loads

It tends to weigh me down

I want to run and skip around

Hearing songs are the only sounds.

We are not promised easy lives

There are challenges every day

We can pile these upon our back

Or choose to follow God’s way.

We can not live each others lives

We can not force our ways

I have to accept that God is in charge

All we be settled on Judgement Day.

I feel that I have always followed God

But have tried to do things my way

Now today I go on bended knee

And renew my faith with thee.

I will look to God for more guidance

I will listen for his voice to speak

I will pray for others that are hurting

I will visit with those who seek.

If I practice all that I have said

And continue to love and care

I will not have the time nor place

To be the target for others to share.





Without You Life Would Be Harder

2004 07 15 - State College - Mail to Self

2004 07 15 – State College – Mail to Self (Photo credit: thisisbossi)

My body and mind are tired today from yesterday’s adventures, but I am trying hard to find the good in today, so I wanted to just touch base on a couple of things.

I have decided to write the letters to the two aunts, having Al tell me what to say, then I will mail them with no return address. This way, I don’t have to be hurt anymore and I have done as Al wished.

Al and I do not know when he is going to pass on to heaven, but I tend to follow Al’s lead. He believes he is, and who am I to tell him he could be wrong. With all of the information I have googled, I find that Parkinson’s patients can live for several years in Al’s condition. For Al’s sake I hope this is not his case.

You may ask why I even went to see Julie, the sister, and the same reason is above stated, because Al feels like his time is near. I try to put myself in his shoes. If I could not drive anymore, or was no longer able to write, I would feel so frustrated that someone, who thinks they know more, would not help me finish what I think needs tended to at the end of my days.

Today, I got up because Al’s shower girl was to be here. I felt terrible in general. I think it is the emotional stress taking over. I actually came out on the couch and slept once again. Now, I am awake but feel like I have been drug through a mud bath. Moving along but in slow motion. With God’s help and the wonderful comments made by you, I will be back on top in no time at all.

So, I am taking it easy, and maybe tonight, I will write a fictional story, or add something to Al’s journey for you. If not hopefully tomorrow.

One good thing I have to add for this day, is the credit card was found! It ended up being on the floor board between the seats of my son’s truck. This was a comfort to me, although, I knew no one could use it, it is comforting to know it is now cut and in the trash.

Al is having an excellent day. He has bounce in his walk and I have heard no complaint of pain from him. I did tell him that I talked to Julie, and that she hadn’t changed from before. I told him, we would write a letter together to the two aunts, tonight after dinner.

So a few good things I have found today.

I want to thank each one of you for your comments, your words of comfort. You do so much for me and help me to keep standing. Each of you I have taken into my heart and you have become dear friends to me.

I am going to do nothing really today, just continue to heal. I can’t help but get angry at myself, that I would let another human being do this damage to me, but I am trying to improve.

God bless each one of you. I love you all.