I Will Always Love You
Al woke up teary eyed right a way this morning. I am sure it is the discussion we had last night. He doesn’t understand that no matter which way I move his bed around he still wants to lay in the direction of the wall.
The room is not accessible to move his TV in any area I wish. If it didn’t cost $75.00 I would have the pros come out and put extra wire in, but, I can’t. I had a talk with Al about when the time comes and he is spending more time in bed. I explained that he will have to adjust to how the bed is placed and try really hard to sleep facing the TV so he can watch it whether awake or not.
He is really noticeable with his heavy breathing. I was shaving him this morning and I could hear the breathing. I hate noticing these changes so easily. The nurse came later and said his fingers were dusky. There was that term again. I didn’t ask but I do want to know what it means.
It is amazing how the mind works. Although I am ready to accept Al leaving this earth, I am not counting down the days. I think Al is though. Just like the new baby I told you about last night. He already said he won’t be here for Christmas.
Do you know how much I want to get the Christmas Tree out this weekend and put it up glorified with all decorations? Why? Because I don’t want him to miss this year with me. What if he is right and he isn’t here. I guess it is super silly to put a tree up in October. Maybe I will wait til the end of the month.
Someone else in this house isn’t happy either. Rhino, our cat. He hasn’t left Al’s room much these past few days. When I go into change Al or do anything Rhino throws a fit. He howls a little and meows loud as if telling me to get out, don’t come in here, I am the caregiver now.
Last night when I put Al to bed, Rhino refused to move off the bed. Usually he meows at me and I tell him to move. He meow argues with me but finally gives in. Last night he wouldn’t budge. When I got Al in bed I had to actually scoot Rhino over and the two of them went to sleep head to head. The next time I saw Rhino it was morning.
Today Al didn’t go to Day Program so Rhino was in there and still is. When Al took his afternoon nap I once again had to try to move Rhino off the bed, but it was a no go. I decided to take a photo of Al and Rhino. I have been replaced by a new caregiver. I think Al and Rhino know much more than they are letting on. I think they know exactly what is happening.
#Post a Day-Weekly Photo Challenge, Theme of the Week
IN A NEW POST CREATED FOR THIS CHALLENGE, SHARE…
IN A NEW POST CREATED FOR THIS CHALLENGE, SHARE A PHOTO WITH AN UNUSUAL POINT OF VIEW.
When you gaze out your window — real or figurative — do you see the forest first, or the trees?
I see the trees first. Then as my mind starts coming alive and I have had my two cups of coffee, I begin to see the forest.
I can see big fuzzy bears showing huge white teeth. I can see monkeys making fun of me when I let life over take me. The pointers of the beasts show dripping saliva as they lick their lips and wait for a tiny morsel from my soul. The laughing of the monkeys makes me shrink into myself, causing a lack of confidence to take over.
I see a man swinging from tree to tree. I think he is gorgeous. His soul is sitting on the outside of his chest and I can read words of caring, compassionate, loving and family first.
I try to do the look or send body signals to let him see that I am interested but he keeps swinging staying just outside of my reach.
I see slimy snakes wrapped around tree trunks and they hiss at me. They want me to come near so they can wrap their bodies around me and smother my life a way from me. I am smarter than they are, and I stay my distance.
On the ground walking in little groups are the creatures that can not be seen easily. These are the ones who play with my mind. They bite hurting words into my skin and they do their best to carry me away from what I represent. These are the smallest of all but have the most powerful sting of all.
As time passes me by the minute and I realize I am actually here in my seat things change. The fog and mist lifts and I realize that only I can make the changes so badly needed in my life.
The wild beasts of my mind disappear. The rain stops and I see the promise of a good day in the rainbow over the tree tops. Life is good and I can now smile. My days are filled with challenges. The beasts continue to try to irritate me, but the son of God is on my side. The forest wither into tiny new seedlings and the beautiful leaves come pouring out of the strong branches holding life for me to reach up and grab a piece of it.
After the Christmas Day was here and gone, I sat back and went over it. With some nice things I saw were also mixed with sadness, tears and smiles from my brother. Others I remembered comments that were good and some left me hurt.
I tried my best. I consider it slaving when I spent four days in the kitchen making foods that looked merry and bright. Some tried them, others would not, and some liked. I am learning very quickly after I have wiped the starry eyes, that life is not what I wish it to be. Life is what it is. I can choose to do what I used to do; which was to carry the hurt with me, or I can choose to stop and move forth.
I have chosen the latter. Acceptance that things will never be as they were when I was young is something I am strongly working on for 2013. Closing the gates around my heart is one more thing that I want to work on. I don’t want to close my heart totally. There is too much to see, love and laugh about in life. I do however, need to pull the corral in just a bit more, to remind me that when things are not as you think they should be, you feel it, mourn it just a wee bit, and then move on.
I think that this will work out for me much better. I have two dear friends that seem to go through some of the similar events that I do and they are not living in dream land anymore. Dreams are nice but not when you can ever see the reality of them.
Yesterday, I went to a store in Fort Wayne that I had never stepped feet or eyes in. I walked through the doors and my eyes became big like a kid looking at all the Christmas gifts under the glittery tree. It wasn’t a clothing store, or a health food store. It was Hobby Land.
I had a ball. Even with my aching back and burning feet, I made it through several aisles. I started my New Year’s Eve resolution a tad bit early. I thought of me first. Do you have any idea how difficult a task it is to think of me first? It felt awkward, tongue-tied, and rough around the edges, but I forced myself.
I have always thought of others before me, and it is not always a good idea, because you can lose respect for yourself as well as others can take it for granted that you will always be there, so you let yourself be set-up to a point for pain.
So in ending this post, I have posted what I did for me yesterday. I want my home to reflect who I am. When I come home from seeing Al, or I need comforting, I want to feel it wrap its arms around me here in my four walls. Here is what I did to begin.
I took my big Christmas tree down and left these two pretty smaller ones up in opposite corners of my living room. They bring me peace and calmness.
I placed this antique wall shelf with prisms. I put a loaf of French bread, a bunch of grapes and a candle on top. In the evenings the lights from the Christmas tree reflect from the prisms and create a nice light show.
Already, I am feeling more calm, confident, and allowing all things behind me to remain in the memory storage box.
The skies are no more blue, the children are no more laughing and being seen in the park
playing. The skies are now gray and the snow/rain mix falls softly to the ground. A look of dreariness on the outside, while I am inside with the heat coming over me.
The holidays are coming, and for some, this is a joyous season full of food, laughter, and good times being spent together. For most of us, it is a season to spend much more time in the stores buying presents. Trunks of cars are filled to the maximum and hopes in our heads are, that the person we bought this gift for will love it as much as I loved picking it out.
The Christmas tree decorating is a highlight for some. The melodies are playing happily in the background. Fireplaces are lit with flames dancing for our delight. Each child helping to decorate their section of the tree, placing ornaments in silly places, throwing icicles in bundles. Parents stand back and tell the child what a great job they have done with this family project, and when the child walks a way, mommy, goes behind her or him and straightens just a little.
A Thanksgiving feast awaits each eye that walks into our front door, and everyone claims how they starved themselves, waiting for the feast. Dishes being brought and the card tables are looking over crowded, as each guest arrives
Grace is said while all hold hands, and thanks are spread around the room for the food they are about to partake. Clatter of glasses, and silverware clinking on the plates, shows the chef that this meal was worth all the work put into it.
The gentlemen retire to the den and the ladies clear the table, only leaving the munchies for the ones who always find a little more space to fill. The men watch sports or nap, and the ladies chatter about the plans in progress for Christmas, and exchange recipes, and the children go out doors to play in the snow.
In my eyes, whether this actually happened in my brain or it was formed in my mind, this is the Thanksgiving perfect holiday. Family together, spending the entire day doing nothing more than expected.
I look out my window at the dreary skies, and the snow falling, and wonder if others feel what I feel, or are there some who are dreading being alone. Are the lonely people going to remain lonely on this day? Will they even cross our minds? Are the ones hiding under the bridges to stay warm, going to be able to be taken in for food, and heat, and conversation?
Do we spend any time in the hospitals or nursing homes letting someone know we care? Do we participate in Angel Tree Programs so others less fortunate may open one gift under their invisible tree? Will we ring the bell for the season, helping fill homes with heat and water?
This is a joyous season for some, and for others it can be very lonely and cold, and others are so destitute, that suicide can be the main course for the day. Let us all remember others that are near us, maybe a neighbor next door, or someone down the block. Let us try to remember just one other while we celebrate this Thanksgiving Day.
Did you miss me? Did you notice I wasn’t on here like I usually am to respond to your replies or even toss in a new blog?
This photo I inserted explains why. One of several trees down.
It was a hot day yesterday, just like being back in Florida.103 degrees, and some humidity.
We spent more time outside cleaning up the yard, then we did in the cool house. Why? Because I am silly. I knew there were chances of rains coming and I wanted to have the yard picked up prior to the storm. It was supposed to be a storm coming out of Chicago with lots of rain, which we needed so badly. We have been in a drought for the last month, with all other areas north and south of us getting their required rains, bypassing our area. Did we do something wrong, were we being punished? I promise to be a good girl, if you bring us some rain. Do I need to get out and do the Indian rain dance? Please don’t make me?
My son and his family were down here, and after cleaning up some, they decided to get in the pool for some cooling off and fun. They swam for about an hour, while I swung in the swing just enjoying the day. After they got out, we fixed a summer days lunch, bologna sandwiches, chips and watermelon. We sat around and watched TV and just relaxed.
My son went back outside and noticed the skies were looking a little weird. Darkness was in the far sight in the skies. He came in and told us about it and we all had to get a look at this unusual color of the sky. He turned on his scanner and we heard that an unexpected storm had popped up and was heading our way within minutes. Minutes? No, not minutes, I haven’t had my shower or combed my hair. Please wait!
There was very little time to wait. We proceeded to take the tent down and put this in the shed, and then we took off all of the cushions off the furniture and placed them inside of the gazebo and we lowered that at half mass and tied it down for that level. The one grandson took his and his little brother’s bikes and laid them down flat. Our son moved his John Deere out of harms way
The dark skies turned quickly to green skies. This was to be a wicked storm with sixty mile per hour winds and too big of hail. We had everything done and I went over the plan of where to go inside the house if we got these winds. If they heard me yell, bathrooms, they were to take off for the hills! LOL.
I barely got my words out and saw their heads nod in affirmation of their understanding, when the winds appeared suddenly! A plastic trash can was picked up and tossed through the air, and the trees were bending in a curtsy. I yelled, BATHROOMS! Everyone ran for the house and disappeared into the bathrooms, except me and my son. Al was in his bathroom, and the grandkids were in my bathroom. The lights went out faster than turning off the switches. The central air was quieted. Silence inside the house, the winds were ripping the trees back and forth. The gazebo was dancing a disco style, flapping its sides, bending too and fro. We could hear hail bouncing off the windows, and the house actually shook from the winds. I was reminded of the tornado I was in when I was at church camp scared, but because I prayed for my family and home, I wasn’t afraid this time.
As fast as this monster came it left. I called a, you can all come out now from hiding,and we all ventured outside to have a look. No damages in my own yard, but right behind us was this tree. One of a few trees that were uprooted. The photo is above for you to see also.
We started picking up big branches and twigs. I looked at the clock and it was getting time for Al’s medications and his supper. We still had no power, so we all jumped in our cars and went to Wal-Mart for a while. Al is on a new collecting habit, replica cars, vintage style. This was the first isle we seeked out, and of course, he picked one out. I got him a new sleeveless shirt. As he is losing muscle and weight, we buy him more clothes more often now. After leaving the store we went to KFC to eat supper, but it was closed, due to no electricity. We noticed that whole section had no street lights working and no business was open anywhere. We made our way to the opposite side of town, and boy, was it crowded everywhere.
I didn’t know what to do, Al needed his meds, I had no electricity at home, and people were lined up outside the doors at the few restaurants we passed. My quick thinking told everyone that we stop at Wendy’s. Al likes Wendy’s and I would just take him ahead and sit him down at some empty seats to wait for us to get through the line. The two grandchildren, sat with him so they were helping out a lot, by saving a few tables for us. Al would never had made it five minutes waiting in line, he would have collapsed right there from his weakness from Parkinson’s.
We finally got to be waited on and took all the food to the tables where they were waiting for us. We ate and talked about the storm damages. Everyone else in hearing distance were also talking about the same thing.
After supper we came home and there was no electricity as of yet. There was still daylight left, so we sat outside and just chatted, but darkness kept creeping nearer. We talked about what it was like in the 1900’s and what they did and how they lived without central air, Tv, and computers. This made us think about the game badminton. My son went to his house and got his generator, and when he came back, he hooked this up to a light. We sat the badminton net up and sat Al up beside us in a chair with his diet pop, and we played this game until around midnight.
We had more fun than anytime I can remember of lately. We laughed when we each missed the birdie, and chased after it when we knew it was going to hide in the shadows.
The kids were tired, and so was Al. Still no electricity, we made our way into the house, with a flashlight, and I washed Al up with baby wipes and clean boxer briefs and helped him lie down on the living room couch. My family went home to their own beds, and I smiled as I made my way to my own bed, thanking God for this gift of the needed rain, and to spend hours just laughing with family, and giving me quality time with the ones I love. This storm brought a special rainbow into my life.
The electricity suddenly came back on at seven am this morning. Day light is given back to us. I put the flashlights and candles back in their rightful spots. Al fixes his breakfast, and I take a shower. After his breakfast, I give him his shower. Laundry is started, cleaning is picked up once again. Life goes on, but now I have a reason to smile today. Remembering yesterday.