Little Girl Grown


Yesterday I posted about guilt and God. I don’t know if it was the fact that I cried so much or just life, but I went to bed at 7:30 and woke up at 1:30 and then went back to sleep and slept until 8.

 

Was I that tired? Or was I running from life? I think I was just that tired.  This morning I have taken glances back over the past few years and looked at what I have done. This really has nothing to do with New Year‘s Ever resolutions. Nor does going to the class and walking today. I believe God knew that I needed saving and so he pushed me in the direction.

 

Can guilt make you depressed? I don’t know. My friend Viveka told me last evening that I am suffering from not having anyone to take care of right now. I think there is validation in this.

How does a child learn guilt? When I look back through my life I can see some points that may have helped mold me to who I am today. I can remember when my baby sister was born. I was ten years old. I didn’t realize at the youthful age that one person could get more attention than another. I do remember fighting for my highlight in my stepmother’s life.

It was the following summer that I was expected to be a mature young lady at 11 and start babysitting the little sister. I would care for her on school breaks. I was taught how to cook a complete meal, clean the house, and doing laundry and even ironing. But, does this bring guilt about?

At 13 I learned for the first time that I had a real mother out in the world. I don’t remember going into any mass depression, but I do remember thinking I was going to find her. I don’t think it was because I was so aloof from my step-mom, as much as it was curiosity, or was it?

From that point on, I was in the middle class of popularity in school. I worked part-time, sang in the choir and yet I do remember that I clung more to my dad. I thought of him as my hero. I was where he was. I learned that it was an ugly divorce between him and my real mom and that with the help of him, his parents, and the law, he had rescued Al and me from the big bad wolf.

I put my dad on a pedestal. I can remember mentally comparing him against mom. I had divided the two. She was the one who liked my baby sister more  than me. He was the hero of my life. Did this change me from an innocent person to one full of guilt? I still don’t know.

I can remember getting married and having children. The children almost became more significant than the marriage. Why? I have thought of this throughout my years. I believe it was because they were mine. No one could divide them or take them from me. I loved and cared for them like a mama bird cares for her young.

Divorce hurt more as far as my kids were concerned. The split, pain of words spoken and changes from a routine were very difficult. This is when I remember guilt beginning to start with a capital G. I felt guilt for the pain of what the kids suffered through it all. I felt guilt, that I was struggling in my own mind. I had found my real mom after all these years, and it wasn’t what I had dreamed of. There was only a surface connection between my mom and me.

It wasn’t strong like the yarn of a spider web that couldn’t be broken.The web was never formed. She loved the little girl she remembered, and not the grown woman. The depression that I was hurled into helped cause the divorce. No one understood what I was going through mentally, not even me.

I slid through the next few years by the seat of my pants. I did things that normally I would have put a way on the top shelf of my bedroom closet when I turned 18. It was like something had a hold of me. I needed to know that someone cared. I needed to feel loved. I didn’t cross the line of disaster, but I did make a lot of mistakes. I know that I still carry the guilt of this today, when I think about my own kids.

When my step- mom died years later, I was devastated. Yet there was a small part of me that I remember thinking, the guilt is now over. I don’t have to be ashamed of not being her real child. I am not sure today, that I ever let that guilt go totally. I don’t sit around and think about it. I do think of mom a lot, but not that part.

It was soon after that when I started caring for others. I began the career by working in nursing homes. I traveled pretty much throughout Indiana filling in for shortages for other nursing staff. After the price of gas started to skyrocket I looked for alternative ways to be a caregiver.

I didn’t plan on it, but I ended up beginning private care. I took care of elderly in their home. I became a part of the family. I went on outings with my patient and the family. I felt needed and cared about. I felt loved.

A husband and wife was one duo that I took care of for a few years. It so happened that I knew one of the grown children and had even visited in their home in my youth. I loved the entire family. They had a daughter named Anita, that I thought was the most awesome woman. We clicked right a way and I still keep in touch with her today.

The wife passed away first and then I came back and helped take care of the husband. At the latter stages of his life, I had become involved with the care of my own father. He had bone cancer. I was his primary caregiver for the next year.

Both dad and the husband died very close together, and then I went straight in to caring for my brother Al.al at millers Now he is in a nursing home and I have drifted off into some world I have never really experienced. It wasn’t like my divorce. It was deeper. The divorce ended. Al is still here but living else where. Is guilt what I am living? I do know that I hate myself for not being able to keep him home longer than I did. I always ask myself, could I have done it just a bit longer so he would not be in there so long?

I don’t know. Reading back on this blog posting, I can see that I have a deep desire to be needed and loved. Maybe being a caregiver is the way I was able to obtain that feeling. Now I am alone. I really think there is guilt mixed in with the loneliness. I think Viveka is right though. I am without someone to care about right now.

So does this stem from my childhood? I think so, very much. I don’t know how to change who I am, but I am going to at least get involved with something else besides being a caregiver for others. I am going to give it a good shot at caring about me too.

Flying skyrocket

 

Big Bad Wolf

god

I Finally Get It!!!


Category:Wikipedia requested photographs of ph...

Category:Wikipedia requested photographs of photography (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Costume Jewelry

Costume Jewelry (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The responses I received in the past several hours is amazing to me. I have so many wonderful friends on here at bloggingville. I don’t know what I would do without you. I have had a wake-up call. There were some blogs I read that would make my heart have a ping feeling in it, and I finally realized why. I guess it takes me awhile to get it!

I had just read  Viveka’s blog and she was making a comment about fixing her supper and that she ironed on her balcony and listened to her music and sang songs. http://mygulitypleasures.wordpress.com

This blog is the finale of when I finally got it. I finally understood that I need the breaks. I thought I needed the breaks so that I would not pull my hair out, or maybe not scream and stomp my feet at Al. LOL. I thought I needed a break so I would not collapse from a stroke or a heart attack, but I have learned I need a break for another reason.

I need a break to get back to me! I didn’t realize this! Even as I look for photos of things I love in life, as I have chosen for with this blog, my insides are stirring, like they have not stirred for years.

Cameras,  photos, landscapes, people, meeting new friends, talking to old friends.

Glittery jewelry, gaudy jewelry, goodwill stores, flea markets, yard sales.

Public auctions, garage sales, the smell of wood, old furniture.

I am getting excited. These are who I am, this is what Terry Shepherd represents in life.

I can not add all of the other things up in my life that make me who I am, like my children etc. I am talking about just me. For this blog, I am being selfish and speaking about me. How to bring myself back to life. This does feel very  weird to me.

I have been so wrapped up in my brother, not that I don’t want to be, but I have been consumed by his illness, that last night when a blogger friend said for me to do some things that I like, I sat there like a bump on a log. I had no idea who I was anymore, let alone what I liked or enjoyed in life.

It took all evening plus wild crazy dreams. I mean crazy dreams too! I don’t know why or what it represented, but I dreamed about people in my life that I have nothing to do with any longer. My ex-husband, I had sat and talked to him in my dream. We smiled and got along like old friends. My best girlfriend that I used to have. She and I haven’t spoken in fifteen years. In my dream she and I were friends again.

I don’t know what has happened and I surely can not explain it. The most I can say is, I saw little doors being opened for me by someone. I saw a past life, and I saw laughter and joy. I saw doors being opened here for me by friends blogs. I had feelings coming that had been hidden for so long.

If this is God, I give thanks. You have a sneaky way of helping me to see your light. If this is my blogger friends, I say thank-you. You have chosen the exact words to help me through this.

I can not even say that my life will get better taking care of Al. I think it will get worse. I can say though, that these breaks that I didn’t realize I needed until today, I am going to take huge advantage of. I am going to take each minute and fill it up with me, myself, and I. I am going to start to rebuild who I am. I have to, this is the way I will be able to stay healthy and young at heart. This will help me endure the pains my brother goes through. This is who God has made, and I want to shine once again for him.

Inszenierung eines Schreibkabinetts aus dem 18...

Inszenierung eines Schreibkabinetts aus dem 18. Jahrhundert Tapete: Reproduktion einer Papiertapete aus dem Schwetzinger Schloss, um 1775 Damensekretär, vermutlich Süddeutschland, um 1770 Sessel, um 1740 Hocker aus dem Mannheimer Schloss, Mannheim, um 1760 Gallery: Reiss-Engelhorn-Museen, Mannheim (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks For Writing Award


http://mylifeuncutalmost.wordpress.com

Anne over at mylifeuncutalmost, nominated me for this wonderful award, called Thanks For Writing Award. I have never seen this and it is so pretty. Isn’t the flower gorgeous!

Thanks Anne for this award. I love reading Anne’s blogs. They are uplifting, inspirational, stories about her life. Be sure to go visit her blog. I know you will be hooked quickly like I was.

I honestly can not think of anything new to say about myself. I can tell you one thing.

I bought a new sweeper last evening, and I put it together all by myself! I was so proud of me. I took a blue print class once in a technical college, and after a couple of weeks the instructor asked me to stay after class. He said it so gently? He said, you have no talent in this class! I laughed with him because I knew this was so true. I can’t read a blue print, nor can I follow a written instruction. I have to glance at the photos that come with the instructions, and then figure it out on my own through trial and error. When I did complete this with no errors, I was yelling congrats to myself. My brother just looked at me like I was crazy and smiled. Hey, I was in my own house. If I want to make a fool out of me, what better place to do it! I didn’t have to hunt down some help, proving to us women, that we can do more than cook,clean, and make babies. We are productive in a man’s land. Yeah!

For nominations I would like to add these to the list. Please tell a few things about yourself. Make sure to give credit back to the person that nominated you, and make as many new nominations as you wish.

Again,,,,thank you my dear friend Anne!

imagesbytdashfield

thank you for being able to write and make me laugh or feel a part of your life

viveka

I love reading Viveka’s blogs. She makes my mouth water as she shares fabulous recipes with me.

iftodaywehear.wordpress.com

Debbie always is an inspiration to me. She is strong in her faith, and has an excellent outlook on life

jmgoyder.wordpress.com

Julie, she is a brave woman who has a very loving family. I love to read each new blog as she writes, in order to follow her life with her. She has so much strength, I am always amazed.

Thank you Anne!!!