Updated Soul



I am sorry I lost it. I feel so ashamed for my behavior earlier. The thought of Al not being able to walk anymore sort of made me crazy. I try so hard to stay a tough heart person but I guess I suck at it.

It isn’t truly that Al will can not walk, it is that it isn’t safe for him to walk. The little bit of muscle he has left will be drained quickly. I talked to them and there will be no more therapy, no more leg exercises, only arms, to strengthen more or as much as possible to now keep the wheel chair going by himself.

Everything in stages. Walk alone, then learn to walk with walker, then different muscles to learn to push the wheelchair before someone has to push him. I know that I will survive and I appreciate all of the prayers.

I feel like the only way I can get through this is to be hard skinned. I see that a lot these days. People pretending they don’t care about anyone but their own life. No more helping hands unless you make them feel so guilty they reach out.

The world has changed and yet I have remained back in time. I really wish I wasn’t make out of cotton balls and fluff clouds. I wish I could just say, hey, this is the deck that I was dealt, so deal with it.

I went back and read that blog and my face blushed. I sounded like a kitten that got its tail run over. There are so many people who are facing bigger challenges than Al. I am ashamed and so I am sorry I acted like a big baby.

Nothing has changed since I wrote it but minutes ticked by on the clock. No one was waiting for me to wake up after my nap. I still had to make my own supper when I got up. So I need to deal with what life throws me. I am the biggest one to reach out to others and be there, but I am the worst at staying strong myself.

Can I turn this heart and soul in on a newer model? I need to be updated. Please someone check the chip in my brain. I think it is burnt out.

Is This Stress?

She was sitting down and inside she was screaming. She couldn’t sit still. She wanted out, but had no way to do that. Her nerves were shot. Blood pressure was on high. She had her coffee beside her and was gulping it like it was water. A cigarette was in the other hand, and she was chain-smoking. She had felt this coming on for days, and had tried to ignore it. Now, today, she could take no more. She had felt trapped for so long. Not living her own life. Making decisions for others instead of what was best for her. She said yes too many times when she should have said no. She had talked to her friends about her fears, and listened to what they said, but when the phone disconnected, she was too tired to make the changes. She was sick of hearing herself complain and whine over and over to anyone who would listen. She put her cup down, and blotted her cigarette out. She sat there and started chuckling. That broke into a laughter that brought tears to her eyes. What was she doing? Why was she allowing this to happen to her? Wasn’t she the one in control of her own life? She had the right to make a change. Laughing so hard exhausted her. Tension melted away. So sleepy now. She laid down on the sofa and fell off to sleep. When she awoke, darkness had crept in. She lit a cigarette and turned the TV on. She needed noise. Yes it was too quiet. She got up and went into the kitchen to find herself something to eat. Pouring herself a cup of coffee and eating her tuna sandwich, she sat down to watch TV. The night drifted on. The phone rang. It was someone from her church wanting to know if she could volunteer for a program. She was silent for a moment, and before she could say anything, she heard herself saying yes, she would love to help. After the call, she went to bed. The next morning started all over again.

Tuna Sandwich

Tuna Sandwich (Photo credit: Dave Lifson)