Lost


Sometimes I write to show you something and sometimes I write for my own healing. Today is the latter reason; for my own healing.

I used to be so bubbly. I was always ready to go somewhere and laugh tons and enjoy the day. I don’t know what has happened to me.

If I am in a crowd of people; I want to be home sooner than later. I used to sit and listen to people talk and tell their stories but anymore I have learned these stories cause some pain because of plain, old gossip.

I used to jump up and eat and get dressed and put the make-up on; not anymore. I do feel awesome when I first wake up. I feel little pain. I give my thanks to God for this day. I would rather now take my time and I discovered this past few months, that not long after I am awake; I could go back to sleep if time allowed.

I don’t cry. I haven’t cried since my brother passed almost five years ago. I think between losing him and my dad; I just cried all my tears until they are permanently dried up.

I volunteer each week. I love it but I find myself almost wishing I didn’t have to get up and go. Once I am on my way; I am good to go.

People get on my nerves so much anymore and that used to never happen. I was always a people person.

I have a few excuses as to why this change has happened. Winter? It’s always a long winter  here in Northern Indiana. Shorter days of light? Maybe. The place I live in? Perhaps. I was told by the manager at the time I applied that this building was really hopping.

All sorts of activities to attend, friendly people. This has not proved to be the case as now living here for two years, what I mainly see is a variety of people. Senior Citizens live here. Disabled adults live here. Mentally challenged people live here.

This leads to a variety of things to see on a daily basis. In fact, I just saw a post taped to an escape door on my floor. “If we see such and such, please don’t let  him in.” This  happens so much here.

There are illegal activities here almost daily. Maybe this is another reason I  hibernate in my room. I posted this topic before and had a reference made back to  me that this is happening everywhere. If it truly is then this is a sad state of world we live in.

Maybe I am just plain living in the fifties. I shouldn’t be of course. I was born in the fifties. Maybe I should take that back and say sixties. I would just love to live in an area that is safe, an area that doesn’t reach below freezing for most of the winter.

I think about moving farther down in Indiana and then I instantly think of my kids. Nope, can’t do it. I tried it different times in earlier years and always came back home. I am telling you though; this weather, this cold and frigid weather hurts my body and mind and spirit.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me anymore. I just know, that I don’t have that bright spirit. I could sleep and hibernate for days upon in and yet I don’t like this at all.

Well, I don’t know if you can relate. I don’t even know if I helped heal myself. I just know I need a change. Lord help me figure this out.

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10 thoughts on “Lost

  1. Believe me when I say this: you are suffering from depression. We think it’s feeling sad, but more like feeling nothing. You know you did before, but you don’t now, how odd. Not odd at all! Depression! I suffer from it as well, and I have to watch my symptoms. Journalling helps, since I begin to realize what words or phrases I am using and that’s when I am alerted to talking to my doctor as soon as I can get in. That’s because if you stay in this state too long, you begin to feel hopeless about ever feeling good or – anything – again. That’s where bad things happen.

    Please call your doctor and talk about what you can do for depression, have blood tests taken to see if something is out of whack – it could just be your need of vitamin D (what we get from the sun). But GO as soon as you can, hon.

    Huggerz. Brave of you to share here. Proud of you for that.

    Liked by 2 people

    • is there something called Seasonal Depression? I feel like this winter has just been terrible. It is nasty where I park my car. Full of ice. The last day I drove my car, I almost fell several times just trying to reach my car. My walker is hard to control in weather winter brings. Not being able to get outside makes me have long days at a time stuck inside. I am hoping that once Spring comes, this will disappear

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      • There is a thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome (SADS). My sister suffers from it, but you would have noticed it before now if it was part of your system. I honestly think you should talk this over with your doctor.

        I don’t know what you can do about the ice, other than carry some deicing salt with you when you go out.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I definitely relate to your dislike of the cold, long winters. I am sick of winter by the time we have had our first really cold day. We have had freezing rain several times, snow, melting, and yesterday 70-mile-an -hour winds. I can’t wait for summer to get here. I, too, could go back to sleep after I get up in the morning and not many days go by that I don’t have a nap, or something longer than a nap, in the afternoon. For me, it’s not depression, just simply lack of energy and a desire to hibernate during the cold months. Hopefully the weather will not be bad in March, but that’s one thing that is unpredictable. I hope you feel better soon and find something that will encourage you. God bless.

    Liked by 1 person

    • When the weather is at least in the high twenties, I venture out to work. Unfortunately where I have to park my car, shade covers my car. I fought falling several times just trying to reach my car. This forces me inside as I have little control of my walker. I am hoping my feelings change with warmer weather and safer walking. I am grasping hope in the old saying March, in like a lion, out like a lamb. Along with the ground hog not seeing his shadow, Spring will arrive earlier than later. Hugs

      Liked by 1 person

      • We’re having snow again today though not heavy yet. I heard this morning that by midweek we are supposed to get another lot of bad weather coming in. It seems every Wednesday we get either freezing rain or heavy snow. Wednesday evenings are out prayer meetings, and we had to cancel at least one night. I saw an ad for some kind of silicone gadget you attach to your shoes and you can’t slip. Even showed someone running across an ice rink. I haven’t had extra money so didn’t go any further with it. But they sound really good. I think they were around $20.00 if I remember right. Not too bad if it keeps you upright.

        Liked by 1 person

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