Oh the Valleys we Travel Through on our way to Heaven

It seems so right that I changed the name of my blog page to Who Am I, months ago. Why? Because anymore, I don’t really know who I am.

I know I am a child of God, but here on earth, I just don’t know. I know I am a mom to three and a grandma to several, but some days, I don’t feel like a good mom. I have one child who pretty much has disowned me, it seems. I have begged, pleaded, called and text but no answers are provided for me on what I may have done.

This has turned my health upside down. My blood pressure is now messed up going higher than lower. I am stressed with sadness that keeps my veil of happiness covered by blackness.

I have apologized, sat for hours wondering what I may have said or done without realizing it may hurt others. I am getting sick and I find myself wishing I was at the end of my journey here on earth.

I snap out of that thought though because I am not really ready to die yet. I even called my primary and neurologist and have spoken to both about this up and down blood pressure problem I am having.

I know that my diagnosis has been changed from Parkinson’s to probable MSA. This sickens me. Not so much because it will shorten my life; but because I won’t be as lucky as my brother was in having a sister to take care of him. I will go through this alone with God beside me; which means I am truly not alone.

Life has not been a bowl of cherries as of the past few weeks and I am grateful that Spring as officially arrived and I can get lost in my camera once again outdoors.

Oh the valleys we travel through on our way to heaven.

Memories for all time

I made your photo my cover
There really could be no other

It never fails to amaze me
That your photo drives me crazy.

It’s been five years this March
When you went to the golden arch.

I know you are a happy guy
I don’t even question why.

For God so loved you so
He saw your pain that glowed.

He raised you and stood you up
You drank from his healing cup.

I hope you understand
That I’m still living on this land.

My heart still aches for you so much
I wish I could reach your hand and touch.

You’d say nothing to me I remember
You started this one September.

Multiple System Atrophy
Brought nothing buy agony.

You suffered more than any I know
You deserved your time to go.

I’ll always love you my brother dear
In my heart I keep you very near.

Til the time comes and it’s my turn
Your memories in my heart will burn.

I miss you dear brother Al.
You will be gone five years, March 24th, 2019.
Love you so much,
Your sister, Terry Shepherd

 

It’s All in the Day

Tomorrow, I go to my Neurologist for my check-up. I do this every six months. I will be discussing with him; my new shoes made for my feet and my Ataxia and Dystonia.

a·tax·i·a

/əˈtaksēə,āˈtaksēə/

noun

MEDICINE

1. the loss of full control of bodily movements.

 

dys·to·ni·a

/dəˈstōnēə/

noun

MEDICINE

1. a state of abnormal muscle tone resulting in muscular spasm and abnormal posture, typically due to neurological disease or a side effect of drug therapy.

 

I am also going to talk about the idea of me having a special type of Ataxia, which is; Sensory Ataxia.

Sensory ataxia

This is ataxia due to loss of proprioception. Proprioception is the sense of the relative position of neighboring parts of the body. It is a sense that indicates whether the body is moving with the required effort and gives feedback on the position of body parts relative to each other.

A patient with sensory ataxia typically has an unsteady stomping gait, with the heel striking hard as it touches the ground with each step. Postural instability becomes worse in poorly lit environments. If a doctor asks the patient to stand with eyes closed and feet together, their instability will worsen. This is because loss of proprioception makes the patient much more reliant on visual data.

The patient may find it hard to perform smoothly coordinated voluntary movements with the limbs, trunk, pharynx, larynx, and eyes.

The reason being is; I see advancement on when I close my eyes. I just can’t do it anymore without falling. I can’t look up nor can I look down; I fall within seconds. I know there isn’t anything anyone can do but I want to see if he thinks this may be happening to me.

My new shoes were taken back and the insert the company had provided for me to have better balance was replaced with a thinner insert. I don’t have the better balance; but the shoes fit better now.

Sometimes I ask myself why do I continue to make appointments with my Neurologist. I already know they can’t help me in so many ways but I keep them for records. I am on someone’s file for what is happening to me and it also helps me keep tabs on my advancement of this thing.

The Dystonia is what also affects my walking. The new shoes don’t seem to help that part. This is where my toes curl under anytime they feel like it.

I’m dealing with all this along with my Parkinsonism.

Parkinsonism is a clinical syndrome characterized by tremor, bradykinesia, rigidity, and postural instability. It is found in Parkinson’s disease (PD)—after which it is named—dementia with Lewy bodies (DLB), and Parkinson’s disease dementia (PDD), and many other conditions.

I’m dealing with it all because I know I could be so much worse off. Taking care of so many patients in my life time; things could be a whole different story for me.

And how is your week going?

In the Field of Flowers

I sat on a broken tree stump
Gazing out over the field of flowers
I tried counting each one but I failed
I saw your name printed on a stem
When I looked at the buds
I swear they were eyes
And you were reading my heart
I raised my hand out as if I
Thought you would bend your petals towards me
The wind blew gently, causing you to bow my way.
Your petals bent and I could see the form you displayed
A smile on your face, seeds spilling as tears
You miss me too. The wind shifted the other way
You stood tall and very still. I took a picture of you
That I will keep in my heart forever.
We communicated; you and I
I feel an inner peace knowing that
We miss each other the same and
I will remain as strong as you are standing
In the field of flowers.

Written by,
Terry Shepherd

 

 

The Small, Dark Room

Last week I went to a local pharmacy who specializes in making shoes for feet that aren’t quite normal. I have Parkinsonism/ Ataxia/ Dystonia and am a Diabetic. The dystonia and my diabetes affect my feet.

Have you ever read the story about how Japan wouldn’t let females have too big of feet? Well, that is my feet. My feet curl under. This can hurt and definitely affect me buying shoes from any regular store.

The sales lady ordered a pair of shoes that she thought would help me. They came in and I was instructed to wear them two hours each day for one week and then I could wear them all the time.

After a few days, I discovered bruises on the top of my toes and upper part of foot. I called the pharmacy and they had me scheduled to return today.

They were going to fit me to some type of deep shoe. I was taken into a small, dark room unlike the room I was instructed to go to in the beginning. That room was full of pretty colored shoes and popular looking shoes.

I freaked out, don’t ask me why. I didn’t want to look different? Probably. We ended up taking the insert out that was provided to help my Ataxia part, the balance of my body, and inserting a thinner insert. I am now home and am to try wearing these.

Hopefully my bruises will be gone and these work, other wise, back to the small room.

 

These are my shoes.

I Had to Smile

I wrote yesterday about my chaotic week. Full of hurt and loss from loved ones. After repeating to myself over and over, See through your eyes Lord, Hear through your ears, Love through your heart; I am more calm this morning.

I can not control how I am feeling in my heart from people’s actions but I can control how I let it affect me. There is nothing worse than being un-friended by a loved one or knowing there is an issue but the other person won’t allow you to know what it is.

What can I do about it? Pray, give it to God, let him deal with it. He knows how to fix things. The other thing I do when I get to bombarded by the “stuff” in this world is look for something that makes just me  happy, and this is what I did.

I went to my favorite second-hand store. I looked at everything, knowing I had a budget I had to stick to. I saw this piece that I had been wanting for about a month. Every time I went inside this store, there it sat.

Yesterday, I decided; this would make me smile. This would make me feel good every time I went into my bathroom, which is where I placed my new piece. Here is a photo of it and yes, I am still smiling over it.

It is about four foot tall. It is slender which fits my bathroom perfect. I filled it with toilet paper and soaps. I love it. Of course I love old things. What do you think? Do you like it? Do you ever buy yourself treats when life gets you down? Does it help when you do?

I am Strong Because I have a Shield of Love

Don’t ever tell yourself, “I got it made” or “Life is a piece of cake.” I swear as soon as you say that; you will be shut down.

This has been a rotten week. I am glad this is Friday. Hoping for a new week with less stress and sadness.

I was with my family during the loss of a family member. A viewing one day, the funeral the next day.

I have  had issues with a family member also. It is plum crazy when the issues arise and for the love of God; I don’t know what the problem is. The other party won’t open up and therefore I am left with a feeling of being helpless and lost.

I also lost a very close friend to the same disease that took my brother; Multiple System Atrophy. I tell you; she was one strong fighter. She carried hope and a bright spirit to the end.

I wasn’t expecting it and my emotions ran a muck. Maybe with a prior funeral and then this major loss, I went over the top with my tears. I will miss you forever and ever Bonnie.

I am a pretty emotional person. With the final encounter; I found my blood pressure rising, my neck was  hurting along with my head. My stomach ached and I felt like I had been tossed to the wind.

My girlfriend has been helping me through this. She has reminded me of how to take issues I can not fix and give them over to the Lord. I am doing this and I have found myself calmer and now laughing again. The problem isn’t fixed but knowing God has this covered and will fix it; I can go about my life.

She told me something that I really like repeating over and over in my head.

Lord, let me see through your eyes. Let me hear through your ears. Let me love through your heart.

She also gave me a precious song to listen to and I play it often. It brings me comfort.

 

 

So although this week has been a big blow to my spirit; I have also learned I am strong because I am protected by a shield of love.