A Work in Progress


It wasn’t long ago that there was no worry or pain nor hurt. Do you remember that era? I do, it was when I was a young girl. Riding my bike, seeing how fast I could peddle, jumping rope, racing against my own legs. Swinging on the school swings. I can still hear my voice as I laughed full of freedom. Let’s see how high we can go!

Realizing when we got home from school our parents would be there or an entrusted sitter. We didn’t wonder if there would be a snack to eat, we knew it. We didn’t go straight to our room and throw our bodies on the bed and weep for what was to come.

I don’t think I actually felt a deep pain until my first break-up with my boyfriend in high school. I really believe for me, this is when I began to question who I was. Oh, I didn’t question the deep brain thoughts, I questioned my hair style, my clothes and probably my weight. I fretted about what the kids in school would say when they learned that WE were no longer going steady. Would I be able to handle seeing him without wanting to die?

Oh to have some of the simplistic life today. I still ponder on life but in different ways. I now no longer worry what people say about my clothes, because the major underside is comfort. I need comfort to be able to function from my gut problems of daily swelling. I don’t worry about make-up anymore because I rarely go out. I do think about how I look when my daughter comes to visit. I guess I never want her to see through me and guess my pain, so it is easier to play dress-up.

Today, I wake up and immediately thank God for a new day. I tell him my concerns and I pray for my children and their relationships and I pray for our President and our country. I ask him for strength to get through the day and I ask him for his healing.

Today, I still try to think of little things I can do or say to others. I believe we all, more than ever, need to know we are loved and needed. I believe that one smile is worth feeling alone. I firmly believe in Peace today. Peace within myself. Realizing that I made a ton of mistakes growing up and raising my family and peace that I can not go back and change one thing.

I want to know when that day arrives that Jesus lifts me up, I will have forgiven myself and that I am going to a beautiful home. When I look back, I smile at myself, at the progress I have made. I am far from being where I need to be, but I am making progress. I am what I would consider, a work in progress.

In the Blink of an Eye


A beautiful home, red brick, pretty painted windows, lots of shrubs. This is where she lived. A woman of age, a lady of many stories, a mother and wife. This is where Anna lived, here with her son and his family.

It was a joy to come here five days a week, to care for her. We would watch television together. I would fix her dinner and give her her nightly medications. When I saw the second yawn, I would ask her if she was ready to start preparing for bed and she would give me that delicate smile and nod her head yes.

This was pretty much our routine nightly. The only real change would be when her son and family were all home together and when I would walk in, I was usually invited to sit and enjoy supper with them. I always accepted.

It was during these precious moments that I was given the opportunity to get to know about this family and learn more about the history of the lady I was caring for. I really did enjoy these meals and family time together. After weeks went by, I actually felt a part of this entire family.

One of the biggest topics that were spent over dinner was about flying. Father loved everything about flying. In fact, the entire time I cared for his mother, he was taking flying lessons. He would tell us all about the feelings and rushes that he had while in the plane.

The family talked about the adventures they would take after dad got his pilot license. The three kids would always jump up from their seats and ask when they would get a turn. I could see the love in all of their eyes as they looked excitedly towards the next months.

There came a time when it all came to end, as life usually does give us changes we don’t like. The lady I cared for passed away. I was very sad and also sad that I didn’t get to intertwine with the family any longer. I went to the funeral of course and I kept in touch with the family, but you know how it works, times ticks by and life moves on.

I hadn’t heard from these nice people in sometime and then on New Year’s eve, I was glancing through the news on the internet and there it was. There was an accident, a plane accident. Two people died. It was the pilot with the new license and his wife. They had been flying their first trip and hit a low area. They were instantly killed.

My heart broke in two and when I think of them today, my heart still breaks. I told you this true story because I want you to remember this on New Year’s eve, when you are believing your thinking is good enough after only a few drinks to drive. Don’t, don’t do it, don’t drink and drive. It only takes one blink of an eye and life can change everything, as you knew it.

Christmas 2020


There wasn’t a lot of hype this year for Christmas. I do admit, it came sooner than last year and now it is over.

I took the big Christmas tree down yesterday. I rearranged the living room and swept real good. I keep one small tree up all year and I have a medium size still up because my daughter is to come here in January, based on the Covid and weather.

I spent a pretty calm and nice day with my son on Christmas. He is married to a beautiful and wonderful woman, and they have three boys who I am sad to say, one is now grown and getting ready to leave for the military in a couple of months. Where does the time go? The two other boys are eleven and six. They are both so cute with those big eyes and smiles.

We had my deceased mothers traditional dinner. Lasagna and garlice bread with a pudding dessert and pumpkin pie. My daughter-in-law is a great cook and I had no trouble eating that day. Oh no, I don’t want to look at my scales for a week at least.

Speaking of weight, the day after New Years, our TV will be bombarded with weight loss commercials, just making you feel bad enough about yourself and ready to lure you in to their weight loss places.

I personally like when the farmer commercials come on TV. It is a sure sign of Spring is getting close.

Do you want to share something you received for Christmas with me? I received a new burner to place waxed cube scents in. I have three of them and I use each one. Cinnamon is my favorite and I got some variety of wax tarts, each smelling so good, including cinnamon. I got a nice set of flannel sheets and a fuzzy, warm blanket. I will stay warm for sure in frigid Indiana.

Santa of 2020


Santa of 2020

What’s in Santa’s bag this year for you?

Could it be re-gifted or something brand new?

2020 has been forced on us, don’t take that train nor the bus

Stay home and become a teacher, forget all the make-up, forget the fuss.

Trade in your work clothes and wear something comfy

Laze on the couch that’s getting quite lumpy

.Forget the lessons, the piano and dance

Gather together, sing and laugh, take a chance!

The kids can see Santa, but not sit on his lap

They’ll look through the bubble, and the glass they shall tap

.They’ll hold up their paper with their Christmas list

Hoping Santa can read it and bring them their wish

.Grandma may not come and pinch those dear cheeks

Auntie won’t be there, she’s in a hospital under those sheets

.Our families will gather around the table this year

It will be more quiet, less people to cheer

.We’ll look at each other as we eat from our plates

Not knowing what to say, but it isn’t too late.

This year we can start knowing those living with in

The four walls of our house, that’s where it begins.

We’ll listen to each other and smile then grin

As we begin chatting, causing sadness to dim

.Santa may not deliver the usual Christmas bling

Instead he delivered a family, filled with love and peace.

Written by,Terry Shepherd

December, 12, 2020

There is Only today to Live


Wow, where did the year go? I can’t believe this is the last month of the year and also Christmas. What does the year say for you? How do you feel about Christmas?

For me, although I worried about remaining safe and my family not getting the virus; I am blessed today, as I am not one of those in the over crowded hospitals. I think what helps me follow the virus rules is, I don’t want to lie in a cold, hard bed all alone, and maybe die alone with my family and friends not being able to hold my hand.

I have always been afraid of being alone and it is quite actually silly because I am not alone at all. I never have been since I chose to let God live in my life and so I am not one of those anymore all excited about the presents and blitz, although I do love the soft lights of Christmas and the spirit of people’s hearts.

I am thankful that I made it to this day, to this month and to this year. I am sixty-six and I don’t know how many opportunities I am going to be given, so for me I will say thank-you each day I live.

Today, thirteen years ago, my hero of my life was taken to heaven. My daddy, how I still find some days to be as close as that day, is still being missed by me as much as the first day he left. Hand in hand, I heard him take his last breath. I love and miss you Daddy.

Halloween/Christmas


Well, Halloween is over and suddenly, Christmas is in all the stores. Christmas commercials have been seen on the television and people are beginning to think about the upcoming holiday and a few are starting to decorate.

With today’s weather here in Indiana, it seems like summer is still here. I will definitely enjoy these next few days of warm temperatures, but, no matter what the weather, the calendar says we are heading into winter.

What happened to Thanksgiving? Here in Indiana, there is talk on the media that we should do virtual Thanksgiving. My son says we are doing real Thanksgiving, just like other years and I agree, unless someone becomes ill.

What about you? Are you concerned about the upcoming holidays, along with travel and being in one house with many people? Let me know.

Photo taken by me.

Oh the Valleys we Travel Through on our way to Heaven


It seems so right that I changed the name of my blog page to Who Am I, months ago. Why? Because anymore, I don’t really know who I am.

I know I am a child of God, but here on earth, I just don’t know. I know I am a mom to three and a grandma to several, but some days, I don’t feel like a good mom. I have one child who pretty much has disowned me, it seems. I have begged, pleaded, called and text but no answers are provided for me on what I may have done.

This has turned my health upside down. My blood pressure is now messed up going higher than lower. I am stressed with sadness that keeps my veil of happiness covered by blackness.

I have apologized, sat for hours wondering what I may have said or done without realizing it may hurt others. I am getting sick and I find myself wishing I was at the end of my journey here on earth.

I snap out of that thought though because I am not really ready to die yet. I even called my primary and neurologist and have spoken to both about this up and down blood pressure problem I am having.

I know that my diagnosis has been changed from Parkinson’s to probable MSA. This sickens me. Not so much because it will shorten my life; but because I won’t be as lucky as my brother was in having a sister to take care of him. I will go through this alone with God beside me; which means I am truly not alone.

Life has not been a bowl of cherries as of the past few weeks and I am grateful that Spring as officially arrived and I can get lost in my camera once again outdoors.

Oh the valleys we travel through on our way to heaven.

cropped-terry

In the Field of Flowers


I sat on a broken tree stump
Gazing out over the field of flowers
I tried counting each one but I failed
I saw your name printed on a stem
When I looked at the buds
I swear they were eyes
And you were reading my heart
I raised my hand out as if I
Thought you would bend your petals towards me
The wind blew gently, causing you to bow my way.
Your petals bent and I could see the form you displayed
A smile on your face, seeds spilling as tears
You miss me too. The wind shifted the other way
You stood tall and very still. I took a picture of you
That I will keep in my heart forever.
We communicated; you and I
I feel an inner peace knowing that
We miss each other the same and
I will remain as strong as you are standing
In the field of flowers.

Written by,
Terry Shepherd

 

 

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I Had to Smile


I wrote yesterday about my chaotic week. Full of hurt and loss from loved ones. After repeating to myself over and over, See through your eyes Lord, Hear through your ears, Love through your heart; I am more calm this morning.

I can not control how I am feeling in my heart from people’s actions but I can control how I let it affect me. There is nothing worse than being un-friended by a loved one or knowing there is an issue but the other person won’t allow you to know what it is.

What can I do about it? Pray, give it to God, let him deal with it. He knows how to fix things. The other thing I do when I get to bombarded by the “stuff” in this world is look for something that makes just me  happy, and this is what I did.

I went to my favorite second-hand store. I looked at everything, knowing I had a budget I had to stick to. I saw this piece that I had been wanting for about a month. Every time I went inside this store, there it sat.

Yesterday, I decided; this would make me smile. This would make me feel good every time I went into my bathroom, which is where I placed my new piece. Here is a photo of it and yes, I am still smiling over it.

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It is about four foot tall. It is slender which fits my bathroom perfect. I filled it with toilet paper and soaps. I love it. Of course I love old things. What do you think? Do you like it? Do you ever buy yourself treats when life gets you down? Does it help when you do?

I am Strong Because I have a Shield of Love


Don’t ever tell yourself, “I got it made” or “Life is a piece of cake.” I swear as soon as you say that; you will be shut down.

This has been a rotten week. I am glad this is Friday. Hoping for a new week with less stress and sadness.

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I was with my family during the loss of a family member. A viewing one day, the funeral the next day.

I have  had issues with a family member also. It is plum crazy when the issues arise and for the love of God; I don’t know what the problem is. The other party won’t open up and therefore I am left with a feeling of being helpless and lost.

I also lost a very close friend to the same disease that took my brother; Multiple System Atrophy. I tell you; she was one strong fighter. She carried hope and a bright spirit to the end.

bonnie

I wasn’t expecting it and my emotions ran a muck. Maybe with a prior funeral and then this major loss, I went over the top with my tears. I will miss you forever and ever Bonnie.

I am a pretty emotional person. With the final encounter; I found my blood pressure rising, my neck was  hurting along with my head. My stomach ached and I felt like I had been tossed to the wind.

My girlfriend has been helping me through this. She has reminded me of how to take issues I can not fix and give them over to the Lord. I am doing this and I have found myself calmer and now laughing again. The problem isn’t fixed but knowing God has this covered and will fix it; I can go about my life.

She told me something that I really like repeating over and over in my head.

Lord, let me see through your eyes. Let me hear through your ears. Let me love through your heart.

She also gave me a precious song to listen to and I play it often. It brings me comfort.

 

 

So although this week has been a big blow to my spirit; I have also learned I am strong because I am protected by a shield of love.