A Work in Progress

It wasn’t long ago that there was no worry or pain nor hurt. Do you remember that era? I do, it was when I was a young girl. Riding my bike, seeing how fast I could peddle, jumping rope, racing against my own legs. Swinging on the school swings. I can still hear my voice as I laughed full of freedom. Let’s see how high we can go!

Realizing when we got home from school our parents would be there or an entrusted sitter. We didn’t wonder if there would be a snack to eat, we knew it. We didn’t go straight to our room and throw our bodies on the bed and weep for what was to come.

I don’t think I actually felt a deep pain until my first break-up with my boyfriend in high school. I really believe for me, this is when I began to question who I was. Oh, I didn’t question the deep brain thoughts, I questioned my hair style, my clothes and probably my weight. I fretted about what the kids in school would say when they learned that WE were no longer going steady. Would I be able to handle seeing him without wanting to die?

Oh to have some of the simplistic life today. I still ponder on life but in different ways. I now no longer worry what people say about my clothes, because the major underside is comfort. I need comfort to be able to function from my gut problems of daily swelling. I don’t worry about make-up anymore because I rarely go out. I do think about how I look when my daughter comes to visit. I guess I never want her to see through me and guess my pain, so it is easier to play dress-up.

Today, I wake up and immediately thank God for a new day. I tell him my concerns and I pray for my children and their relationships and I pray for our President and our country. I ask him for strength to get through the day and I ask him for his healing.

Today, I still try to think of little things I can do or say to others. I believe we all, more than ever, need to know we are loved and needed. I believe that one smile is worth feeling alone. I firmly believe in Peace today. Peace within myself. Realizing that I made a ton of mistakes growing up and raising my family and peace that I can not go back and change one thing.

I want to know when that day arrives that Jesus lifts me up, I will have forgiven myself and that I am going to a beautiful home. When I look back, I smile at myself, at the progress I have made. I am far from being where I need to be, but I am making progress. I am what I would consider, a work in progress.

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Where Are We Now?

When I was a teenager, I never went to bed the night before school without bathing, washing my hair,  picking my clothes out, and rolling my hair on orange juice cans.

When I got married, I still put the make-up on daily, continued to bathe daily, and tried to look like the mom out of The Leave it to Beaver.

When I was younger, I tried my best within my budget to have the clothes that were closest to name brand, and up-t0-date. I would go without, until I was confident I fit in with everyone else.

When my kids were grown and out, I still continued the daily bathing, sometimes put my make-up on, at least whipped some hot rollers in my hair. Clothes had outgrown my age. I was beginning to stick with what I looked good in, and didn’t quite worry about fitting in. I was too tired, I think.

Today, I go for comfort. I really don’t care what others think. I have tremors, so comfort is my main wardrobe. I still bathe, but not every day during the cold months. About twice a week, I wear make-up. Sometimes I dry my hair and if my legs are sturdy enough, I will use the flat iron or curling iron.

Clothes have come and gone. Style is in and not. I even see clothes I wore in high school, but there is a slight twist to make them look more updated. I saw a photo that reminded me of the pants I wore in high school. I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, as I remembered how my own pants had to have the biggest bottoms as I could get. Who cared if I looked good or not in them, they were in style. I thought I would show you the photo. See if you remember them. If you do, let me know. Better yet, if you wore something like them, let me know that too.