missing him | Who I am

I have not done so well today, or as good as I thought I would. Al has been gone 24 hours and I struggled with the silence here. You must all think I am just plain crazy and I don’t blame you.

I think I am too. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I slept but I was restless. The cat, Rhino has been so noisy missing his buddy. Lot of meows.

Here I sit at the computer and I feel the biggest empty spot. I should be jumping up and down? Running through the house? Out with friends having fun? Maybe shopping?

But no here I sit. Unable to place once foot in front of the other and make any moves. I feel anger inward at what a rotten friend I have been to myself. There must be another explanation for this.

I didn’t even touch the house today. I had two eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast. I had no lunch and I had a bowl of Cheerios for supper. I was trying to find my sugar substitute in the cupboard and knocked something out and it landed in the cat’s water. That dominoed into flipping the water into his food bowl. That food was ruined where I had just filled it up.

As I was carrying my bowl of cereal here to the computer, I don’t know what I did but I flipped my spoon out of the bowl and it splattered on the floor. I then took a shower and got out and dried off. I then realized I had forgotten to rinse the conditioner out and had to get back in.

My granddaughter’s birthday is today. I was watching a video of her party on Facebook and then just started crying. I had missed her birthday. I had sent no card and said nothing. I quickly apologized to my son for my forgetfulness and told Hanna Happy Birthday.

There is a part of me that can slightly remember the person I used to be. There once used to be this gal named Terry that loved to laugh. I could laugh until my eyes watered, my sides hurt, and sometimes pee my pants. I was always ready to go have fun, be with family and friends. I tried to never be home on weekend evenings.

Oh not that I was a party girl. I never have been. No drinking for me, no big gatherings at the bar. Usually with just family.

I know, I am really dogging myself tonight, but I am a little angry at who I am lately. Too sad, too deep, too full of sorrow. I really do want to laugh, but I cry. I want to get out, but I stay in. What in the world is my problem?

People say I am not that old yet. They tell me there is hope for love still. They tell me there is still life to live. But tonight, because I miss my brother so bad, when I really need the break, I am a weepy mess.

Please don’t be upset with me and scream at me for not appreciating my break. I am already screaming at my own self and that is punishment enough for one evening.