Renal Failure | Who I am

Ok, I can’t hold this in any longer. It makes me nervous and scared for Al. If anyone has any hint or answers please let me know.

Last week one evening when I got Al up there was a big black area where Al had urinated. Sometimes I just don’t have that magic to make sure he doesn’t pee on the bed pads also. I called Hospice because seeing that freaked me out.

They mentioned something about Renal Failure, but went into no details. I tried researching it but where ever I looked all it pretty much said is that it was serious. It really didn’t explain anything except that Renal Failure usually means less urine, but Al still goes pretty good.

I laid it to rest until this morning. Al didn’t wake up right. He was in that staring stage. His thought process and his movements were not working. I had to place his hands where ever they needed to go. I had to sit him up and then he leaned over. I pushed him back in a sitting position and then he leaned again and froze there.

It looked strange as I don’t know if I could hold my own body in an awkward position or not and not move. When I got him finally up and in his wheelchair, the black area was there again in the urine. He had once again leaked through his brief.

This is no big deal. I am quite used to doing bed laundry anymore and thank God when I don’t have to change the sheets. This morning seeing this again and his frozen state, I asked him if he would like to stay home from Day Program. He shook his head no. I pushed him to the table and fixed his breakfast.

He was speaking so softly to me I couldn’t even hear what he was saying even bending down to his mouth. In the end he was trying to tell me he was sweating.

I looked at his shoulders and his back and it looked like he just got out of the shower and didn’t dry off. I again asked him if he wanted to stay home, but he still said no. I washed him up and dried him off only to have him wet again from sweat.

The Hospice says from his M.S.A. his internal furnace is stuck on high. Afterwards while we are waiting for the bus I heard him snoring. I looked at him and he was sound asleep. He did wake up when the bus came but he was quiet. So what is the black?

Come here my friends. Come closer, sit on the edge of your seats. Be prepared to quiver and shake. Get ready for the ride of your life. This is a true story of what happened here at my home ballooned with effects to give you a better scare. Are you ready? Have you gone to the bathroom already?

Click on the link to get the sound. It will play in the background while you read.

It was a very dark night. No wind was blowing. All was calm. The whole evening had been this way. Something even had changed with Al. The house just had an eerie feeling about it; but nothing I could put my finger on.

The later the evening went the more Al became quiet. He had slept from after supper and at his usual time he didn’t want to get up. I let him sleep some more. The next time I tried to wake him up, he did but he was not himself. He was more like a shell or a skeleton. I said his name a few times with no response. I finally ended up yelling, ” Al, Al, answer me. Can you hear me Al? Who am I?”

He finally looked at me with eyes that sent shivers down my spine. I got a cold chill that ran completely through me as I was looking into empty eyes.

I somehow managed to be able to hold him up long enough to change his brief but then almost dropped him from fear that over took my soul.

I let out a scream, which didn’t even phase Al at all. My face felt cold as the fear dripped from my head.

I was staring at his bed sheets and what I saw I had never seen before, never in all my years of being a caregiver.

The bed pad had a large circle or odd shape of black. I quickly changed Al and put him in his recliner. When I got him positioned I quietly asked, ” are you hurting anywhere? Do you have pain? Is everything alright?”

He never answered me. He dropped his head and just seemed lifeless.

At this time my heart was racing and yet I knew I had to remain calm. My son and my nephew came about then. They were talking about all of their major issues from the day.

In my mind I was scared. I could feel my body shivering from what I had seen. I talked to them a few minutes and then my son conversed with my daughter via cell phone.

While they were talking I sneaked a way back to my bedroom and called Hospice. I explained every detail I could remember and she told me that Al is beginning to go through the stage of Renal Failure.

Oh my God is all that was racing through my mind. I felt like rats were eating at my brain, leaving me nothing but pieces of broken threads. Nothing was connecting. All I could gather in sentences were this is bad.

I hung up and went and threw all the evidence in the trash can. I smiled at Al and asked him if he was ready for his bedtime snack. I heard nothing but he did look in my direction. I went to the kitchen and got him a glass of juice, a pop tart and his medications.

Going back I gave him his medicine first and then sat the goodie in his lap. He sat there, motionless. I prompted him a couple of times and then he reached for the food.

I told him I would be back. The guys had gone outside to build a fire in the pit. We all gathered round. It was a nice roaring fire and although it is still summer there was a slight chill in the air at midnight.

We were all discussing the day. I was glancing towards the house admiring the white lights that run throughout the wheelchair ramp.

I remembered Al and came back in. He had not moved. Once again I prompted him he needed to eat a little because he had his medications. He moved his arm as if to raise it to his mouth so I left again.

Once back outside I started telling the guys how I felt an eerie feeling. I felt like something was not right. I had an instinct that Al was not really here with me. We started discussing a little bit about his life and what he had done in it.

My nephew made the comment that Al had always been a fighter. He said Al will not give up until he can fight no longer. I looked back at the ramp again. Those white lights always bring me comfort.

The fire was crackling and all three of us became quiet for a short time. Then we heard something in the trees. A squirrel? Was the owl back? A couple of weeks a go there was a big, white owl that was sitting in the tree directly above me. Maybe Rhino had tried to come outside.

No, it was none of these things. In fact, what caught our attention was the click of the screen door. Now you have to realize it is dark except from the glow of the fire and the lights surrounding the ramp.

We all turn to look at the door when we heard the click of the handle. We watch as the door is thrown open. Not gently, but like a force of someone being in a hurry.

It was opened as far as it could go, then in two seconds it was slammed shut.

We all saw it. There was no denying it. We jumped up out of our seats and huddled.

I knew that Al was inside and I needed to check on him. Swallowing hard and forcing my feet to walk, I had to enter that door that had just opened and slammed by itself.

I went in and checked on Al. He had never eaten the pop tart nor touched his drink. Once again I somehow with added strength, was able to get him out of his recliner and into bed. I changed his brief, rolled him over and tucked him in. He was nothing more than a zombie at this point.

I made myself walk through the house. Opening closet doors, looking behind shower curtains. Nothing, no one was anywhere. I went back in and again checked on out-of-it Al and he was sitting up in bed, wide awake. His eyes were wide and he looked at me but said nothing. I asked, ” are you alright? Did you see Mom?” He looked at me and then laid back down. I went back outside.

We tried to reason what we had witnessed but there was no explanation. The door had been flung open and slammed shut. We all saw it. The fire was almost out so the guys headed home and I had to come in the house by myself.

Someone or something had definitely been in our house. Last week the door action had happened twice. Once when I was here alone and then when I had company it did it again. The TV had been turned very loud by someone other than me and with no remote.

Was it a spirit? Was it Mom here for Al? I don’t know. Maybe I will never know. Whom ever or what ever it was definitely linked to Al.