All I Want For Christmas


You know we are in charge a lot of the time in our daily routines. Anything from hopping out of bed and taking a shower or not. Getting dressed right a way or being comfy in our night clothes.

Drinking a cup of hot coffee or tea. Making the decision to eat breakfast now or later. So many decisions we make and a lot of the time we don’t even realize we are making those because they are habits or routine.

But in the last couple of days I feel like there is someone stronger than me. Something near me slightly pushing me out-of-the-way. Al has the full reign of the decisions lately and I just tag behind like a poor puppy that is hiding like he did something wrong.dog affraid of thunderstorms

I feel like thoughts are not of my own. That a greater power is among Al and me. All day Al has not acted himself.

I see things. I hear words come out of his mouth that I never thought he would say.

Today he looks different. His skin has sort of a transparent look to it. His fingers are a musky color and his nail beds are pretty gray.

He has spoken about knowing that our Mom is now waiting on him. He even told the care giver today that he needs to make a will now. Tonight he asked me to get the driver’s license out of his wallet of Mom. I had given it to him last year when he started on this roller coaster of daily pain.

He told me he wanted to hold it close to his heart. After we ate supper and I brushed his teeth, he picked up the license and he is holding it next to his heart. How can I not run from the room in tears? How can I not beg him to stop? How can I not scream at God to put a stop to this?

Those are the moments that all of my senses take leave and my emotions run high. Al cried and I cried with him. He began to talk about who was going to be here at Christmas. I told him and he said that he hoped I had a good time.

I told him he was going to have a good time too. I explained that I had wrapped some gifts for him today and he cried harder letting me know I was wasting my money on him as he would not be here to open them.

He told me that he wanted to buy me a Christmas gift. He said he wanted to buy me something that would always remind me of him. I couldn’t take it, I just couldn’t stand hearing those words.

I know in my heart that he has suffered enough. This MSA is a killer in more ways than one. If anyone has any extra change in their pockets please give it to MSA.org. I don’t want any, not even one living soul to have to go through the pain like Al has.

We are putting a blanket in between  his legs because they just won’t stay apart due to contractions. He is no longer sweating. Instead his skin is cold and his fingers like ice. The fans have now been turned off until he needs them once again. There is a sickening silence in his room when you walk in.

Everyone says God will take Al in his perfect timing, but come on, this is my brother I am sitting here listening to him talk like this. It is like he has accepted he is going to die soon and he is making his final arrangements. This is very, very hard for a sister to listen to.

All I want for Christmas is for Al to be at peace. Inside peace, outer peace, you name it. Free of pain, no more tears, no more screams of  pain, nothing. Quiet, peace. I don’t want to wait for the perfect timing. I am selfish. I want Al to be pain free now. I don’t want him to  have to suffer another restless night, and yet there is a part of  me that carries hope that this is a living nightmare, a dream and I will wake up and he and I will go hop in the car and find a flea market.

As I stated earlier, something is going on between the heavens and in this house. I know it. I can feel and sense it. I can do nothing to stop it. It is a power of giving up, a will to stop. A tired soul. A body tired of fighting.

As I sit here my heart is being squeezed like the life is being drained from it. I am not alarmed because I know it is from the hurt that is already starting the process of losing someone.

This is certainly one time I do not wish to be alone. I used to love quietness. I loved the peace of hearing nothing. Now, I want chatter. I want something to stir me up so much inside so  I can’t think. I can’t go crazy. I can’t cry. I don’t want  to face this any longer. I want it over.

I am a weak person when my brother speaks of leaving. I don’t want to cry right now so I am going to end this with All I Want For Christmas Is Peace For My Brother.

 

 

37 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas

  1. I know it is very difficult sweety. And very painful. But please listen to what Al is telling you. Let him get out what he feels he needs to or what would be what one believes to be unfinished business. He needs this. He is at a sort of peace in a way coming to an acceptance of this horrible nightmare he and you have been through. Cling to the moments he does wanna talk with you because one day the silence will be hard indeed. If he feels he will not be here for Christmas which I hope is not the case maybe celebrate Christmas with him now. Let him enjoy the gifts you have for him while he can. But most of all take in all he has to say as this and this alone will be your most treasured and precious gift from him. Hold his hand hug him tight if you can and make some good times for him and for you while he is still with you. Maybe even video tape a last Christmas celebration to hold onto and treasure while he opens all and any gifts you have for him. I see he says he needs to make a will? As hard as this is to hear let him. The best way to do this is in a video if he can not write or comprehend the legalities of a paper will. Set a video camera up and let him talk about his wishes. This way when and if the time comes people do not and can not destroy your whole world after the fact. They will have to abide by what his wishes are. No matter how big or small. And he must mention that you are not making him do this or telling him what to say I would assume. Just grasp every little bit you can and the more he feels he gets out what he needs to the more at peace he will be. I love you friend. Please take care and make his last moments here with you a celebration of his life!

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    • Thanks dear friend. I am trying my hardest to give him everything he needs. I called his minister like Al wished a couple of days ago, but he has not shown up. I want so much for him but can offer him little except my love as his sister. Thanks so much for chatting with me. I really needed someone to talk to.

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  2. Terry Al is preparing you he has accepted that it is his time soon, do as he ask. Give him his gifts celebrate. As Anon said video preferably while the helper or someone else is ther too, if you don;t have a video camera perhaps you cell phone does, most with cameras now adays have video capability. I will continue to pray for you both

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  3. Last night when I woke up & couldn’t go back to sleep I prayed for both of you. I have a story to tell you. About 11 years ago sat by my mother’s bedside. She also had been ill for many years. Now the family took turns sitting with around the clock. She didn’t seem to know we were there. At times she would be agitated and others calm. During the calmness she was with The Lord because she would say things. I told her to go with Him. But she waited until us daughters had to leave to go home. I was ready to let go. I pray that God will prepare you.

    Janeice

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    • I understand what you are saying. I am sorry for your loss of your Mother. I go back and forth. Sometimes I am selfish and don’t want him to go. Other times I tell myself he will be at peace, let him go. I even told Al it was alright with me if he went. But, when it comes down to that second, I will cry like a baby missing him

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  4. I cannot begin to imagine how you & Al are feeling right now. I’m thinking like the others & say – try your best to do as he requests. It may not be easy – but – in the end – you will be happy that you did. I am & have been keeping you both in my prayers.
    {Hugs} to you & Al

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  5. There is a lot I wish for your and Al’s Christmas … and I wish I could bring it myself – but I hope of all my hart that you will get a Christmas that is without too much pain, suffering .. and drama for either of you.
    I know that you do anything and everything for Al. He can’t be in better hands and love.

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  6. The end of Al’s life as much as you want him to have peace and not be in the condition he is now… you just need to make sure that you and he are at the best possible place you can be.. Al not in pain and you able to handle how it is .. From what I’m reading I’m thinking he’s not in too much pain except for his legs etc while lying down… but the rest of his pain is pretty well controlled. I feel that his talking about wanting to go and thinking he is…. is hard for you. And for you to want him to is nothing to feel bad about… I wanted that for my mother for a long time before she actually was taken home….. The situation just becomes so heart-breaking…thinking of him not being there anymore but not wanting him to suffer…

    I pray that the Lord will take Al before it is too much to bear… I know that it’s difficult now….and you feel like you can’t and he can’t take much more…. so I pray that you both will not need to… Love Diane xoxo

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  7. Pingback: The New Talk | terry1954

  8. Al said he wanted to talk with the minister. Keep calling the minister. It is the holiday season and I realize everyone is busy, so maybe the minister just needs twice daily reminders :). This was a request from my Mother-in law and We did not know she was seriously ill. I made the request., but I did not stay on top of it. It is a long story, but the short version….she passed 12 days before Christmas and did not get to see the minister. Praying for you both! HUGS ❤

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      • Dear Terry, Call the minister again and be direct and forceful…He needs to put Al at the top of his priority list. If you are just leaving messages then call someone else at the church, explain the situation and ask them to personally go deliver the message to the minister. Spiritual guidance at this point in time can be so very important.
        Bless you for the love and compassion you continue to bestow upon Al. When you time comes, there will be a special place for you in Heaven as well.
        Praying for you all the time.
        Hugs, Linda

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      • the minister did finally come. He spent about five minutes and much more time with me. It hurt me because I am not the one who needed him. He said he or the other minister would drop in once a week

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