Cried me a River


Each day of this pandemic has set me back health wise. I think it was beginning to do this a few weeks in but I ignored it; mainly because I thought this will be short lived and I can endure it.

I was suddenly thrown into a category of unexplored waters. Winter was here which I despise the older I get, plus the lock down began and continued on even to present. I became inactive.

Oh, of course at first, there is the salient holidays. The busy time of year where you go away from yourself in thought and think of others. The holidays are over and here in Indiana, the freeze and snow kick in for the next several months.

With my age and health concerns, being allowed out of my cage for any purpose other than food or medical, there was nothing much to do with myself. I like a neat and tidy home, but come on people, how many times per week do we want to run that sweeper and dust or how about cleaning that toilet?

Weeks turned into months and I really wasn’t consuming much more food than I was prior the pandemic, I just wasn’t getting any exercise to help keep me at my same weight. I have gained some too.

Each week I weighed myself, I saw a pound increase. I would tell myself, that I will watch more closely what goes into my mouth. I began to find myself hiding in the darkness and actually getting used to it.

I would think about taking my walker outside and walking the boring path of our parking lot. I didn’t though. I had great excuses. It was too cold or it was snowing or raining or I didn’t feel the best. Each of these were true but I would use them to my advantage also.

No, I am not beating myself up but rather telling myself the truth. I have to read this back don’t I? So at this point, I have crossed my own mental goal evidently, because as I looked at those scales, I actually cried this morning.

I cried not only for the weight gain; I cried for the loss of my life, or what I thought I had lost. I couldn’t control anything it seemed, not that I am a control freak, but maybe I am over my own self.

I cried at the loss of not being able to speak to my parents nor grandparents. I cried over the loss of my brother and I cried over the gray, dreary days. I even cried over the pandemic. I cried me a lake and I was the only one swimming. I cried at seeing people rarely. I just cried.

I actually believe I am depressed. I somehow let myself slip into this black puddle with or without realizing it. It really doesn’t matter the reason I guess, what matters is I recognize it. I think it is seasonal depression.

The lack of sunlight, the dreary cold and rainy days. I have spent too many times wishing I lived elsewhere. I have even dreamed of using my walker and going for a walk in November. So now that I know, what do I do?

I actually watched some U-tube videos on chair exercises for Senior citizens this morning, but I didn’t do anything about it. I actually used that dreary and misty morning not to do it. I have to though. I can’t keep being sad and gaining weight. It could cause more health issues.

I miss people, this is for sure. I am a big people person and here where I live; I spend mainly alone. I don’t think I am my own best company during long periods of time. As I finish this post, I am telling myself, the weather is changing this afternoon. It will be warmer and some sun for a change and the weatherman said no more really chilly days. This gives me hope to change things.

Have you or are you going through any of my feelings? Is it the pandemic causing this? I already have an anxiety medication to use when I am anxious or stressed, but I didn’t think I needed it. I am actually pretty calm. Is that crazy or what? If you understand any of what I have said, how did you handle it?

A few things to keep in mind if you comment may be, I can’t drive very far because of my beater car. I can walk only with my walker and volunteering at this point is not an option because of the virus. Are these excuses too? Wow, maybe I am weird. Oh, by the way, I did a positive thing this morning. Instead of remaining in slippers and PJ’s, I got dressed. I asked myself, what for, but then I ignored that question and got dressed anyways.

6 thoughts on “Cried me a River

  1. I don’t think you are weird! This has been a hard time for all of us and when you are totally isolated, it wears on you. It’s good that you are writing about it and even better if you read it back to yourself. And then try to make some changes if you can. Do you enjoy music? Music helps me improve my mood. Moving to the music (it doesnt have to be complicated moves) may make you feel like moving again. There is certainly nothing wrong with taking anxiety meds or meds for depression. If you need them, now is the time.
    Getting dressed is a good start! I have joked with my friends that I have worn the same two outfits for months and I just rotate them in and out of the laundry.
    Know that you are not alone with the feelings you are having. Soon there will be warm days and sunshine!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I appreciate your comment. It does help to know that you understand. I tried listening to music but I seem to find the lonely music so I stop. Today, I went out and swept the front porch. A real mover for me. lol. My neighbor tells me that since the virus, she changes everything to a new gown and remains in her slippers. lol. Thanks so much for sharing with me my friend

      Like

  2. Hi, Terry.

    So much of what you wrote today just resonated with me. I liked the points that Life in the 50’s and Beyond had to say, too.

    I was thinking this morning about how I was trying to learn how to be someone I didn’t know I was going to need know how to be. That I always knew I was going to age and become a Senior, but I never realized how I define myself would be lost – forever – in the process.

    Like you said, I’m not poised over a pity pot at all. I’m just trying to figure out how to look forward to life while it lasts. Even if it isn’t the kind of life that I thought I might be able to enjoy as an older person.

    I have often fought with depression, and my first measure is: am I looking forward to living this life? If the answer is no, then I know that I am fogged with Depression and it’s time to get some help. Sometimes it’s therapy, most of the time it’s medication because my realizations about life are rational enough, and there’s nothing disturbing that I can recognize. It’s just a loss of enthusiasm or joy that I am fighting with. So I am now going to recommend that you see your doctor and talk about taking an anti-depressant. It took about 4 weeks of regular use before I saw things even out and begin to work for me, so give it time to work.

    I know you can’t see anyone during “shelter in place” but you can still talk to them. Try setting up a regular time to call and just share some coffee thoughts with a friend you trust. I have no idea who that person might be, but if it’s probably someone else who is just as hungry for contact as you are. It could be weekly, or monthly – you guys decide.

    For this, you should have a Bluetooth earpiece or get a wireless speaker to use so you don’t have to hold the phone to your ear. You need to have your hands free, and mine tire easily (thanks fibro). If you can face time them (or talk with Facebook video chat), by using some kind of prop, that would even be more fun! You need someone who can do this in the morning, though, so it sets the tone for your day. If you just take the time to talk and then pray about the things you talked about – that’s an idea, too.

    With this phone-in friend, you have some accountability (are you dressed in comfy clothes?), and someone who might be able to give you ideas of things that you could do that might be enjoyable and even possible with your health limitations.

    At the very least, it’s someone to share thoughts and hurts with, and that might be the most vital part of our contact with society at large.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think this is my biggest issue. i am older. I can’t do the things I used to, even if I didn’t have these health issues. I just want to be thought of. I know I can’t do the things my grown kids do and many things they do I would certainly be in the way. The phone conversations are a good idea. I did go outside and sweep the porch. I watered some plants and sat ou for a bit once the sun finally peeked through. These are rough time of my life now. I expected to grow old with someone, not live alone the last quarter of my life. We are not forgotten, definitely, but younger people just want old people to be calm? Thanks for sharing with me. I really like your friendship

      Liked by 1 person

  3. It is nice to see a post from you. I have wandered from the blogosphere and visit rarely (regardless of good intentions. Subject matter aside it is awfully nice to see you again. Now you can disregard my comments but : you are being very hard on yourself. Give yourself a bit of a break. Don’t negate your choices and who said ‘you should..you should’ I am not trying to make light of your feelings, just trying to tell you it is okay to feel the way you do. I hope with summer coming each day will be better!

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