Cried me a River

Each day of this pandemic has set me back health wise. I think it was beginning to do this a few weeks in but I ignored it; mainly because I thought this will be short lived and I can endure it.

I was suddenly thrown into a category of unexplored waters. Winter was here which I despise the older I get, plus the lock down began and continued on even to present. I became inactive.

Oh, of course at first, there is the salient holidays. The busy time of year where you go away from yourself in thought and think of others. The holidays are over and here in Indiana, the freeze and snow kick in for the next several months.

With my age and health concerns, being allowed out of my cage for any purpose other than food or medical, there was nothing much to do with myself. I like a neat and tidy home, but come on people, how many times per week do we want to run that sweeper and dust or how about cleaning that toilet?

Weeks turned into months and I really wasn’t consuming much more food than I was prior the pandemic, I just wasn’t getting any exercise to help keep me at my same weight. I have gained some too.

Each week I weighed myself, I saw a pound increase. I would tell myself, that I will watch more closely what goes into my mouth. I began to find myself hiding in the darkness and actually getting used to it.

I would think about taking my walker outside and walking the boring path of our parking lot. I didn’t though. I had great excuses. It was too cold or it was snowing or raining or I didn’t feel the best. Each of these were true but I would use them to my advantage also.

No, I am not beating myself up but rather telling myself the truth. I have to read this back don’t I? So at this point, I have crossed my own mental goal evidently, because as I looked at those scales, I actually cried this morning.

I cried not only for the weight gain; I cried for the loss of my life, or what I thought I had lost. I couldn’t control anything it seemed, not that I am a control freak, but maybe I am over my own self.

I cried at the loss of not being able to speak to my parents nor grandparents. I cried over the loss of my brother and I cried over the gray, dreary days. I even cried over the pandemic. I cried me a lake and I was the only one swimming. I cried at seeing people rarely. I just cried.

I actually believe I am depressed. I somehow let myself slip into this black puddle with or without realizing it. It really doesn’t matter the reason I guess, what matters is I recognize it. I think it is seasonal depression.

The lack of sunlight, the dreary cold and rainy days. I have spent too many times wishing I lived elsewhere. I have even dreamed of using my walker and going for a walk in November. So now that I know, what do I do?

I actually watched some U-tube videos on chair exercises for Senior citizens this morning, but I didn’t do anything about it. I actually used that dreary and misty morning not to do it. I have to though. I can’t keep being sad and gaining weight. It could cause more health issues.

I miss people, this is for sure. I am a big people person and here where I live; I spend mainly alone. I don’t think I am my own best company during long periods of time. As I finish this post, I am telling myself, the weather is changing this afternoon. It will be warmer and some sun for a change and the weatherman said no more really chilly days. This gives me hope to change things.

Have you or are you going through any of my feelings? Is it the pandemic causing this? I already have an anxiety medication to use when I am anxious or stressed, but I didn’t think I needed it. I am actually pretty calm. Is that crazy or what? If you understand any of what I have said, how did you handle it?

A few things to keep in mind if you comment may be, I can’t drive very far because of my beater car. I can walk only with my walker and volunteering at this point is not an option because of the virus. Are these excuses too? Wow, maybe I am weird. Oh, by the way, I did a positive thing this morning. Instead of remaining in slippers and PJ’s, I got dressed. I asked myself, what for, but then I ignored that question and got dressed anyways.