A Big Decision

Sometimes changes occur after a big change hits you in the face. Maybe it is a domino effect, maybe not.

I am doing better since my brother’s passing but I still have bad days. As many of you have stated in your comments those bad moments can be anywhere and anytime.

I have been dealing with it pretty much by myself. This can be a good thing or not. A lot of time to think. I do go out on Friday nights with some girlfriends, but it is still difficult. Sometimes I pretend to be so happy. I smile and end up being too talkative. When I get home I do pat myself on the back for staying until everyone leaves.

I work part-time but I don’t care for it much. Maybe it is part due to it is with sick patients again. Maybe it is because I am cleaning their homes. What I would rather be doing is taking care of the patient.

So my days slide by at a slow pace, but inside I am wishing for a little faster track.

There are other reasons I won’t go into tonight but I am not happy. I have looked into my soul so many times and I always come back to the same statement.

I know I am only 60 and I don’t know my time to leave this earth, but do I have to live the rest of my days being unhappy?

The answer is always the same; no. My children love me and I love them, but still I don’t see them much, and this is no ones fault, it is just what it is. I have my daughter who lives in KY with her husband and my second to the oldest granddaughter.

I have my very best girlfriend that lives about an hour and a half from me. We see each other when we can. Other than that it is me and AJ, my dog. He keeps me a lot of company.

Yet, there is a void. So I have made a decision and after talking to a close confident this morning it was sealed with my approval. I am selling or going to try to, sell my home and go to where my daughter is.

There will be no more cold, snowy and windy days to make my diabetic feet hurt. From November until a few weeks ago my feet burnt so bad from being cold. Now that it is warmer, the burning is gone, but I don’t want to go through it again.

No more wishing I could get out in the winter but realizing my car won’t drive well at all in snow. Not as many aches from arthritis. Sun shine much more often. This always improves my moods. I will also be able to share some good times and dinners with family instead of being alone.

Although this is what I wish for, I am not sure it is God’s plan; so I would appreciate your good thoughts and prayers on my decision. I believe if God thinks this would be a good move for me, the home will sell easily. I know I can get a job down there taking care of an elderly person. I know I will be loved and cared about and the most important thing will be I won’t have to be alone all the time again. The sound of voices and laughter can once again feel my heart.

I will miss my parents. I will miss my best friend, but hopefully six hours apart will not let us remain unseen  forever.  I will miss you dear brother. But dear family, you will always remain in my heart.