Cottage cheese | Who I am

I don’t know what my problem is but today I have been nasty. I am short on patience and upset. I don’t know what about either. I know that last night Al‘s legs were so frozen that he couldn’t move at all.

After two attempts at trying to transfer, and almost tumbling to the floor, I had to force his body back in the wheelchair. He got so upset with me because I placed him back in his chair he grabbed a hold of my wrists and put the vice on them.

They hurt and I wanted to lash out at him verbally. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “look at all I do for you! You have the nerve to hurt me after I saved you from falling and hurting yourself. How could you do this to me.”

Instead I did tell him that he hurt me. I explained to him why I put him back in his chair. I don’t know if he didn’t get it or didn’t want to hear what I was saying.

There was tension between the two of us as I placed him in bed last night. I told him goodnight but left out the important part I always say to him. The I love you part.

Why did I do that? To hurt him? To hurt him like he hurt me, wow, is that childish or not?

This morning my defenses were still up. We had a quiet breakfast. He ate in silence and I scurried around the house getting everything ready for his departure on the bus.

After he left I went about preparing a favorite supper of his. Why? If I am so upset, why did I do this? Why didn’t I just have hot dogs or some crap. But no, I fixed chicken drumsticks in BB sauce the way he likes. I made mac and cheese the way he likes it. I even made him Blueberry Cheesecake muffins and he had cottage cheese with pineapple on top, just the way he loves it.

When I was waiting for him to get off the bus this evening I was excited inside at the look or words he would say when he saw his King meal. But instead when he got off the bus, the hurt came back.

I took him inside and placed him at the table. We both ate in silence once again. He brushed his teeth. I washed him up and now he is napping.

What in the world am I doing and why? I have to stop this. I am the big sister, the healthier one. He is the younger sibling and the sick one.