I Am Not Me Today


I don’t know what my problem is but today I have been nasty. I am short on patience and upset. I don’t know what about either. I know that last night Al‘s legs were so frozen that he couldn’t move at all.

After two attempts at trying to transfer, and almost tumbling to the floor, I had to force his body back in the wheelchair. He got so upset with me because I placed him back in his chair he grabbed a hold of my wrists and put the vice on them.

They hurt and I wanted to lash out at him verbally. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “look at all I do for you! You have the nerve to hurt me after I saved you from falling piranha3dart_3973and hurting yourself. How could you do this to me.”

Instead I did tell him that he hurt me. I explained to him why I put him back in his chair. I don’t know if he didn’t get it or didn’t want to hear what I was saying.

There was tension between the two of us as I placed him in bed last night. I told him goodnight but left out the important part I always say to him. The I love you part.

Why did I do that? To hurt him? To hurt him like he hurt me, wow, is that childish or not?

This morning my defenses were still up. We had a quiet breakfast. He ate in silence and I scurried around the house getting everything ready for his departure on the bus.

After he left I went about preparing a favorite supper of his. Why? If I am so upset, why did I do this? Why didn’t I just have hot dogs or some crap. But no, I fixed chicken drumsticks in BB sauce the way he likes. I made mac and cheese the way he likes it. I even made him Blueberry Cheesecake muffins and he had cottage cheese with pineapple on top, just the way he loves it.

When I was waiting for him to get off the bus this evening I was excited inside at the look or words he would say when he saw his King meal. But instead when he got off the bus, the hurt came back.

I took him inside and placed him at the table. We both ate in silence once again. He brushed his teeth. I washed him up and now he is napping.

What in the world am I doing and why? I have to stop this. I am the big sister, the healthier one. He is the younger sibling and the sick one.

45 thoughts on “I Am Not Me Today

  1. You may be bracing yourself for things to come. It’s like when my granddaughter won’t kiss me good-bye. She thinks if she withholds the kiss, I won’t go home. I’m praying for you. Sandy

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    • oh Sandy, that precious granddaughter. I would not like to see you change either. I like you very much, and I believe maybe I am bracing for something I don’t want to deal with too

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  2. You have a hard but loving duty ahead of you!! May you be strong during these trials ….. There will be hard times but I’m sure you’ll make it! You have love in your heart … that’s the most important!!
    Hugs ….. πŸ™‚

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      • Terry … those are normal feelings. I had the same with my Mom …. she was bedridden for 10yrs. She had Alzheimer’s …. here were days that I was so angry and not nice to her!! These days will come and go …. you are only human!! πŸ™‚

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      • thank you for letting me know that you also had those bad moments. I guess you are right, they are natural, and will come and go. thanks again

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  3. Three thoughts…one how is your blood sugar? two-dementia causes a person to be violent in the later stages, it was likely not personal and three, if you’re preparing for what’s to come, it’s easier to be angry. Oh maybe you’re completely burned out. I’m sorry this happened.

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  4. Terry,

    I’m sorry you’re going through, yet another, trial in your life.

    Frustration sometimes takes over our way of thinking and behaving in our daily rounds of caring for someone we love dearly and only want the best for. But, especially, whenever we come to realize that some things just don’t seem to improve even after days, weeks, months and years of doing all we can to be helpful.The worse to happen is that you become riddled with guilt, this too passes whenever the heart starts beating again to the compassionate and nurturing tune it has always and only known. It’s good to get mad sometimes, this re-energizes the soul. We all get off beat in our relationships with those we love. I think you’re running scared and on low fuel these days. Of course, under the circumstances this is normal. Myself, I think meditation is a great tension reliever for every thing negative in life…and it wouldn’t hurt to let Al watch you set the mood and relax your thoughts in a quite candle lit setting with soft background music. This will give him something to think about too. He may even follow your lead. He,no doubt, knows you get physically and emotionally drained from all you do, and he is probably aggravated himself that he can’t express his appreciation and love enough for all you are in his restricted life. Everything always comes full circle in a life filled with love. Believe always that time heals, and prayers are answered. I, like everyone else who knows your story, love your superior strength and the compassionate heart that carries it through.

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    • Bless you my friend. I don’t know why we met, but I am so thankful. Tonight, I have apologized to my brother for being snappy and he apologized for grabbing me. I have had my Sirrus Escape station on all evening and it is helping. I always hate being weak emotionally. I know I can not be all that he wants me to be, but I do my best. The music is helping. I rarely let Al see me distressed but last night I did. I think he kind of understood that our lives are hard dealing in this illness together. Big hugs my friend

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  5. Emotions go in waves, like everything else in this crazy universe — light, sound, heat, music, love. We are up, we are down, we are happy, we are sad, we are patient, we lose our minds. The important part isn’t that you never lose your temper (read: impossible), but that you keep going anyway, doing the best you know how. It’s only natural to be upset that he hurt you. It’s natural to fear that it will happen again, and that he won’t be able to stop next time either. Maybe he fears that, too. I’m sure he would not choose to hurt you if he could choose. Might be better to talk it over, and tell him it was an accident, accidents happen and let it go. You are not a dirty rat. You are human. You love with your whole heart. You made his favorite meal, fit for a King. You are a miracle! Hugs!

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    • You made me smile. I did apologize to him for practically yelling at him last night and he apologized for grabbing me. I explained that I hated his illness as much as he does. But the biggest conversation between him and I was talking about what lies ahead and yet being thankful for what he can do today. Hugs my friend, I love Al but don’t like being weak. He is the one who is physically weak. I should be emotionally strong for the two of us

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  6. You are very brave and courageous man to under take what you are doing looking after your brother, just what family is all about or so I thought, if you met my family you would know why I say that, they are cold and heartless, you are one of the greatest people I know for what you do and how you do it. keep your chin up and keep smiling, it will not go unnoticed.. cheers friend

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    • oh thank you for your kind words. With me being Al’s sister I tend to get all sucked up in so many emotions. I love him and will do what I can to help him through this last part of his journey. Again, thank you so much my friend

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  7. This may sound funny..or perhaps odd….but we all want others to understand or “get” what we do for them….and it is not that they do not get it or say it or do not say it…it is this expectation….I have found in my dealings with people…I seem to be in the caretaker mode….and those who require my caretaker more..some rightly so and some who I just assume….seem to bring out this little piece of me that screams “APPRECIATE ME”….especially when I am I am raising my standards way to high as what I should be doing….make sense?….
    And it becomes even harder for me when I believe someone needs my help…because they are just not doing it right…this is not the case with you and Al….you are doing wonderful….and I believe if Al could he would kiss and hug you and tell you over and over again how much he loves you and is blown away by your grace….I am..and I am viewing it from the outside….
    Sometimes…more times than I want to mention..we have to simply be pleased with how we are…to smile and sit back….and let the day be what it is…
    Please do not beat yourself up over not saying “I love you”…they are hard word to say and some days hard to have them come rolling off our tongues with genuineness and truth…Al knows you love him…he can see what you do..and the many things your eyes speak…let it rest easy in your soul…you love him and he loves you…and it is known…
    Everyone has a bad moment…a bad hour…a bad day…even a bad week…yet love resides in you like a mighty force..honor it…..

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    • I am crying because you understand so well how I was feeling. I think I was in so much shock when he grabbed me. My first thoughts were defense instead of what he was thinking and feeling as his legs would not move. I have since apologized to him and he smiled at me. I do love him so much. I just hate his illness with a passion. Thank you so much my friend. big hugs from me to you

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    • i have never done that, laugh in the middle of chaos. I certainly have thought about crying but would not show that to Al. But laughing, you know what? I am going to give it a try, because I think it can work miracles next to God’s. Thanks so much Melanie. I appreciate your tip and comment!

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      • as st theresa SCREAMED AT GOD, after her donkey threw her into a freezing cold stream with all that heavy clothing on..
        “IF THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT YOUR FRIENDS, NO WONDER YOU HAVE SO FEW”
        CRACKS ME UP EVERY TIME

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  8. I’ve been quiet lately lost in my own chaos, but I don’t like to feel you down or frustrated. I know how much you give and care. I’ve been there and know how it weighs….

    But your words are inspiration and I read your posts. Thank you for your kind words, they were felt. You know where I am if you need… Just say’n .

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    • I have to admit I have thought about you and wondered where you were. I am sorry things are now as they should be, but hopefully they will turn around for you. I always enjoy hearing from you. Please take care and hurry back

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  9. Terry, don’t be so hard on yourself. πŸ™‚

    You are the healthy big sister but that doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings too! What your doing is incredibly beautiful and of course you will have these days. Man if everyone cared about their loved ones like you…there would be no sadness in old peoples homes. But thats not true…they are filled with old lonely neglected people.

    I hug you and hope the next day you felt better. Love to you, Terry. Paula xxx

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  10. You are only human, you can only do what you can and you have good and bad days as everyone else. Don’t over think some days. They will all end and tomorrow is another start a fresh start.

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