Tag Archives: Terry

Take A Deep Breath

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Take a deep breath Terry, relax, breathe deep. Smell the stale coffee!!! I got a call from the lady today who is supposed to start Monday. She started off by stating she had questions.

Oh no! She isn’t going to take the job. She has changed her mind! Just when I was about to relax and enjoy the extra help.

She had questions. You see when she was here before Al was a whole different personality. He got angered easily. He could have a very smart mouth, and there were many times he wasn’t so pleasant to be around if he wasn’t getting his own way. Kind of like a kid throwing an adult temper tantrum.

But the illness changed him. He grew weak and his voice softened. He turned mushy and cries a lot. She wanted to know if he stayed in his wheelchair much. She was questioning exactly what she would have to do for him if I left and went to a store.

I understood exactly her alarm and I explained to her how Al is today. Pretty much bed-bound. Eats in bed, watches TV a lot, sleeps about 16 hours per day.

All she could say is WOW, he sure has changed. I said, “Yes, an illness has a way of getting a hold of a person. You will be surprised when you see him again.”

I don’t think she is 100% satisfied but she did say she was still coming Monday. She just wanted her questions answered. I added that I would be here at first with her until she felt comfortable. I told her I would never leave and just throw her to the wolves. I heard her breathe a sigh of relief.

So I am going to relax, take a deep breath and realize God sent this person, end of story, well I can’t help  admitting that I will feel better once she rings that door bell.

Today Al was cranky this morning. He is having more breathing issues. A labored breathing when he is active in any way. I used to hear it off and on but it is pretty regular now.

The Hospice nurse came today and I did tell her about the incident with the shower girl. I also voiced my thoughts on my fear of losing her and not having a shower girl at all.

I called the local Hospice here in town. I was quite disappointed to tell you the truth. I am still weighing the pros and cons but I didn’t like that they didn’t offer any short-term respite and that they had no Hospice House like Al has available to him now.

In fact the more she spoke, the more I shied away. She told me that if I felt I needed a respite break that bad, she would have him admitted to a local nursing home. My breathing stopped, my heart raced as I quickly thought back to the six months he was in a nursing home.

There are three nursing homes here in town. One is supposed to be high standard, that is the one Al was in, and we all know that didn’t work out at all. Another one doesn’t accept Medicaid, so that is automatically out. The last one is a place where you place people whose family doesn’t want them, or there is no money what so ever. I think you can vision what kind of care he would get.

In fact, it is a proven fact that a few  disabled and mentally challenged people who enter never come out again. This is the biggest reason I keep Al at home. I love him, he is safe here, and he is in his familiar territory, plus he is never alone.

I will never unless I lose my mind or become so ill I can no longer care for him let him go back to a nursing home even for a respite of five days.

I was a little surprised at the fact that the director made the comment that if I felt I really needed a break.

My gosh, I take care of everything that has to do with Al. This includes meals, cleaning, changing clothes and bed linens. Grocery shopping, doctor appointments,lifting, guiding, aiding, helping, rolling him over, finances, and with his illness it has turned into a less than peaceful night so my sleep is interrupted, but I will march on like the woman I am. Not giving in nor giving up. God will help me do this and if I get too weak like I have been of late, he will send help,which he did.

Now, just sit back relax, wait for the help to arrive and smile. It looks at this  point I will keep him with the Hospice I am at.great-light-wallpaper-544979.jpeg Ah, just look at this picture Terry and sit back and relax.

A Hidden Road, Being A Caregiver

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indiana sayingDo we really know our hearts? Do you or I have an inkling of who we are and how detailed we are made? We are magnificent creatures.

Each of us, having been designed with some hidden talent, just waiting to show the world. I was one of those for years that didn’t know I had a talent. I was brought up to never praise myself in front of others; to do this would be considered bragging.

I was not aware that some talents do not involve actors on TV or singers or playing the piano. It took Word Press for me to finally get it through my head that my hidden talent was caring.

Sounds pretty dull doesn’t it? It doesn’t get bring me stardom, so I will never be rich from it. No one notices outside of those who know who I am. But caring for others replaces the “Me” thought and places it on he or she.

I used to think over twenty years ago that being a caregiver was a piece of cake. I wasn’t in a factory. I wasn’t outdoors in the freezing weather climbing poles. I was inside a warm house, sharing meals and conversation with strangers.

Strangers is such a short-lived phrase. It doesn’t take long at all when you sit and listen to the patient talk that you are drawn into their earlier life. You learn to feel their dreams, and cry with their regrets of growing old and dying.

Yet not everyone can be a caregiver. It is one of those jobs that you best not take it if you are doing it only for the money. Care givers work from the heart for the most part. The physical load I carry is much less than the broken heart watching someone you love or respect or maybe both get worse and die.

Once I discovered the hidden path that makes up me, Terry, I was more content. I was never ashamed again to speak up and admit I am a caregiver, not “just” a caregiver. It is a proud position and I thank God that he chose me to do this type of work for him. When he made me, he put all the right ingredients and he knew I would not fail him.

I have taken care of strangers and I have taken care of family. Of course family is the most difficult by far. More love and emotions, strings attached from years gone by are naturally attached.

Now I deal with Multiple System Atrophy. There are days I cry. There are times I wish it was over. There are moments where I am beat and just want to sleep, but I always go back to the patient, who for me now is my brother, and I look at how brave, a real warrior, he is.

For I have only sat on the side lines and looked through the window and tried my best to understand how he feels. How can I possibly do that? I don’t have this terrible disease. He is the great and mighty fighter. He has fought greater wars than I have my entire life.

Each day when I hear his breathing as he struggles to get in that wheelchair  one more time I feel his will to live. Each day as I see him with fork or spoon in mid-air, and realize that inside he is telling his hand to continue to move towards the mouth, I weep.

The brain is not affected with M.S.A. Al remembers very well that he didn’t used to wet his pants. He remembers driving and working. He remembers having time to himself doing the things he enjoys.

Every second he is awake he is never alone. How humiliating it must be to have your own sister bathing you, changing you, feeding you, but he never says a word. I will ask him if he is enjoying his bath and he will say yes but then begin to cry.

M.S.A. sucks and any of us that are affiliated with it know this. But for my brother, he is a warrior, and for me, I have discovered that hidden road, that secret that was kept silent for so long; until I started to blog

purple candlesAl on SundayM.S.A. logomsa logobook4caregiver

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More Thoughts

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awesome skies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Missing You

My head is on the pillow
The cat is by my side
The spot you lay is cold
My soul is open wide.

Written by,

Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry

 

One More Time.

One more chance to breathe
One more chance to see
One more chance to be
A gift from God to me.

October 8th, 2013
Written by,
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry

 

Oh Lord.

Oh Lord hear our cries
We know not why
Tears in our eyes
We only sigh
You know why
Let us say goodbye
To the dark skies
Let them move on by
Let the sun shine high
In this I pray Amen.

Written by,
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry
Oct 08/2013

https://www.facebook.com/poetryinthought

nature skies

 

Why, I Thought of You Today

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Why.

Why didn’t we agree
Why did we fight
Why didn’t we see
The ray, the beam of light

Why did we say it
Why did we scream
Now we have blown it
Because we were mean.

Written by,
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry
October 5, 2013

couple fighting

 

I Thought of You Today

I thought of you today
You were always on my mind
You must have felt it to
Because now I’m here with you.

Written by,
Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry

flying_angel_wallpaper_cd368

A New Chapter of My LIfe Blossomed

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I don’t know if any of you would be interested or not, but I thought I would put the word out here to you.

As you know if you follow me I have been writing more and more poetry. I decided I wanted to save them in one spot and hopefully later on I will publish a book on my poetry.

There is nothing more than my poetry I write on here. No stories or funnies, just poetry. This way it will be easy to pull all my work and gather it together.

My editor told me that the book Dahlia will be published very soon. I am so excited. I am working on the book about my brother’s life journey and now this. I am not doing it for any reason, just for myself, and hopefully I can help someone smile or remember something about their own life or past.

The link is at Face Book. It is called, Terry’s Thoughts in Poetry. 

https://www.facebook.com/poetryinthought

Well, there it is, out in the open. So if any of you want just a page of poems come check it out! Thanks for reading dear friends.

quotes-about-poetry

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