A Clown With Two Faces

Clown at Parkinson’s Disease of San Diego 5k Walk and Fun Run (Photo credit: gebl)

For my regular followers, you already know that my brother, Al, has Parkinson’s and is getting worse. I have also posted the last couple of days that he has not been acting his usual self. His confusion is worse, which could or could not be dementia. He is much more sad and doesn’t seem to enjoy much of life anymore.

For this blog part, I am not going to place any verbs, or adjectives, to give you a brighter or more imaginative picture. I am just going to be to the point and only put out facts that I know for sure, which is what I have noticed or heard.

I had every intention of blogging on here about the day, some time back when the temperatures were at least 100 degrees. I used to be very bold, and I was a lover of fishing. With the heat being so bad, I decided to go to the lake and rent me a row-boat and get out on the waters for some fishing and cooling off.

I didn’t have a boat motor, the oars and my arms were the only motor I had for use. I went about on the lake about 1pm and rowed myself about a third way out on the lake. The heat was just too bad, and the fish went down into the waters to stay cool. I came back in about two hours later still hot, and no fish.

It was July 4th, and my too independent mind neglected to tell anyone that I was going to go rent a boat, and so I got chewed out by my husband and my parents for doing this activity without letting anyone know.

The reason that I got chewed out so badly, was because at 7pm, that same day, four hours later, I delivered my firecracker baby boy!  That was my part of the national holiday, producing my very own fireworks!

So now today, thinking back to that day, and also seeing Al acting different, not knowing anything other than a few more tears, a few more frowns, and a listlessness, Al comes out to me and says he doesn’t want to keep any secrets from me, and that he has known something for two days.

He sat down on the couch, and started to cry and he said his time was close. I flipped around in my chair and said what makes you think that? He tells me God came to him, two nights ago and told him it is almost time. I asked him if this was just a feeling, or if he felt like he was just so sad, and he says to me NO, GOD TOLD ME. IT WAS VERY REAL, HE WANTS ME TO KNOW IT IS NEAR.

I told him how sorry I was and reminded him of how going to heaven was going to be the best thing that he would ever experience in his life, and I added no more pains or tremors. The tears stopped, and he said, I just wanted to let you know, and the conversation ended.

I am not going to read anything into this, or try to diagnose his comments. It is what it is, and only God and Al know the truth.

So for this day, I am a half-faced clown. On one half, I am smiling because it is my son’s birthday, and I have wonderful memories of this, and on the other half of my face, a big tear falls, a prayer goes up to God for Al, and sadness has sneaked in.