Alvin, My Brother

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Alvin, My Brother

In 6 days you will be gone a year

For you I’ve shed many a tear

I remember it all like it was yesterday

When you were here, then went away

Sometimes the minutes turned to hours

I try to remain strong with all God’s power

But all emotions came back today

As I read the words they had to say

The statement and the legal words

I read through eyes that were so blurred

The guardianship and all you are

Is stamped closed and now I have a scar

I felt as if I was hit with a brick

The clock stopped, there is no tick

Your life and all you held for me

Is closed for good but not my memories

For they can close this case today

But you will never hear me say

Alvin, who’s that or what did he do

My memories stay fresh when I think of you.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

03/18/2015

dad 6

18 thoughts on “Alvin, My Brother”

  1. Terry I had goose pimples reading this, mainly because I also lost my dad almost a year ago, April 7th to be exact, so I can relate. He had stroke, and he went through a stage where he was dependent on us for everything. Alvin is at peace now and I know you would never forget. He still lives on in your heart dear friend!
    Much love.

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    • Thank you for your beautiful comment my dear friend. A loss is a terrible emptiness in our hearts; but we learn to live through it and move on. I am one of those emotional souls, so my healing seems to be taking more time. I am sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father a week prior to begin caring for my brother. I never had the chance to grieve for my dad because of going from dad straight to brother. Today, I believe that I am grieving double time; for dad and Al. Through time I will look back and smile more than cry, but for now, I go one day at a time. Big hugs dear friend

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    • Many days it does seem like it was only yesterday. Funny how the mind can grasp tight to the last few months. I haven’t been able to let go of this yet. I still struggle with one issue also. I can’t forgive myself for checking on Al at 3am. I saw he was having the death breathing going on, but it was slight. I was so exhausted. I told myself I will go get a few more hours of sleep. At 730 I got back up and he was gone. Even thinking about it now, I hate myself. Although I hadn’t slept in almost 3 days, I should have stayed awake. I promised him he would not die alone, and I failed him. He had to die all alone without his sister by his side. I hate myself so bad for this stupid and lazy streak I had in me at that hour

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      • Terry: Al knew then and he knows now that you went above and beyond all expectations of taking care of him for months on end. God also knows Al was never alone because God was there to lead Al home along with heavenly angels. We hold ourselves to such high expectations and it eats at us and makes us miserable. I know I expect far more from myself when I’m taking care of Tom than I would ever ask anyone else to do. Be gentle with yourself. Know that you are loved. Al wouldn’t want you to live with this grief and pain. God tells you that you did nothing wrong and as a friend, please forgive yourself. You deserve to live free and know you did the best you could. No human can stay awake that many hours. Your body gave out. Take care, my friend.

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      • Terry – turn it over to God. He knows your soul is burdened by this guilt and he also knows of the love and devotion you shared with Al the days of his life. God wants to carry those burdens that are too big for us. You helped God do the heavy lifting, now is the time to allow God into your heart to help with the healing time you need. As I’ve said, I love you and so does God.

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      • Thanks Sheri. Something happened when the first date of his passing came. I felt some sort of release. It felt odd but I felt less sad. That same week the guardianship was finalized also. So far I’m doing better than I thought I would

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