Stop the Train, I Want Off!

I didn’t blog yesterday and I have been debating whether to or not today. I am making myself blog because it is too easy to get out of writing by skipping a day or more.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. The Senior Center went on one of their monthly outings. About twenty minutes from my house in a little town lies a small-time restaurant. I had never been there in all the years I have lived here in Warsaw; so really wanted to go.

When I woke yesterday, I felt like something had happened during the night that I didn’t know about. I felt different. I hurt and my tremors were different. This time they were not only on the inside, they were visible on the outside.

I felt like crap but it was the day of the outing. I made myself get up and get ready to go. When I arrived I wanted to race home but I told myself no. I knew I wouldn’t feel any better being home than here.

I was so embarrassed when my plate was filled from the buffet because my tremors wouldn’t let me carry my plate to my seat. Someone offered to do it and I thanked them. As I started to eat, I couldn’t hold the fork. The food was falling from the fork from the tremors.

I ate some but I think emotions took over and I excused myself, paid for my meal and headed home. I laid down and napped and when I awoke, the tremors were right back. I suppose the tremors are causing muscle pain because although I am not as full of tremors today, I feel like my muscles are falling from my bones.

When my body reacts this way, I instantly think to my daughter who lives six hours away and kick myself for moving back because she is the only person who seems to understand. If she doesn’t understand, she does a good job of faking it.

I moved here, home, because I knew that I was too young to go on to the system, government system. I knew that I could still work. I did get a job through the government program, but if any of you work through that system, it takes a lot of red tape, many visits to the office. I am still not working and yet have spent many trips of gas and time.

Also when I get like this I can’t seem to help myself from visiting the past of when I was taking care of Al, my brother. Of course this makes me sad and then I get depressed and that is another time I miss my daughter. She always had a way of getting me to smile again.

I am beginning to wonder can I do this? Am I really going to be able to work? Should I spend what little I have and give up and get on the system? Am I going to have to face hard, cruel facts that me and my cane are constant companions? Will I stop the questions? I don’t know. I always liked to know a good idea of my future, and anymore, I do not.

Suffering through any type of medical problems are not fun as we all know. Suffering and not being able to talk to anyone who has any inkling of an idea of what I am feeling is a whole other story.

I am meeting my son and his family tonight for dinner so I can see the kids. I haven’t seen them since May 29th. I only hope that it goes well and I don’t embarrass myself or anyone else.

All these symptoms started in August of 2013. It started with running into the walls, which I blamed on being tired from caring for Al during his MSA. After that, I went a long period of pain where it felt like my muscles were being torn away from the bones.

Next, came some slight head and hand tremors, add to that a little bit of confusion, and now my gait is off and tremors are becoming more of an issue. I say, stop the train, I want to get off.

Never did I want to get to the place where someone has to carry my plate, or help me in any way. I am the one who wants to help everyone else. Well, I don’t know at this second if writing this will help me snap out of my sadness; but I am hoping.