I Am Opening a New Page


Well, me moving is a reality as of today. I no longer own my home. The new buyers do and have allowed me to stay here until next Friday. It feels strange, giving up a home where there are so many memories. The memories aren’t wonderful though and for this I am grateful to be out of here very soon.

Memories of seeing Al walk through here with his cane. The day he fell into the Christmas tree. Remembering back to last year around this time when Al told me he would not be here at Christmas, so I brought Christmas to him by putting the tree up very early. My heart is breaking as I realize the things that I remember are not pretty.

Caregivers, hospital beds, Hospice, many hours of little sleep and the worst, going in and discovering he was gone. For these memories I weep. Leaving the sadness behind will be a major step in my healing process. I don’t like being sad all the time. It really brings me down and helps me to remain in bed much longer.

With me, I shall take every good memory of him and all the fun times we had in those years when he was feeling better. Last night I gathered all of my paperwork so it would be in easy reach this morning. I picked out my clothes and then I laid down to sleep only to discover that wasn’t going to be an easy task. Now I am tired and after I finish this writing I am laying down. As tonight I will need to be wide awake for this will be my last time with the girls going to the Moose.

I was to meet the new owners at the courthouse. When I began to walk the long steps to the front door I noticed some beautiful Russian Sage flowers. Upon entering I stood for a moment and admired like I always have the floors of the interior. I love checkered floors. I decided to take some photos of my last trip.

We finished our business and now I am a visitor in my own home until next Friday. Another chapter of my book of life is complete. Now I am opening a new page that is blank but with pen in hand, I am ready to fill the pages.

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Path of Life


A very dear friend of mine has shared this song with me. I love that some of you have come to my Facebook and asked to be a friend of mine. It gives me a chance to reach out and chat with others who may not suffer with PD. We all have problems of some kind. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but there has been a time that you need your friends surrounding you. A shoulder to cry on, someone who will listen to your woes.

I cried like a big baby when I listened to the words to this song. This is something that I try very hard not to be selfish, but darn, it is the most difficult thing I have done in many years. To sit back and not think of what I want.

I am weak and yet I have days where I am stronger than my worst enemy. But there is someone stronger than me. His name is Al. I have the opportunity to sit behind this screen and pour out my heart to you. Who does my brother have? He has his God. When I was cleaning his room the other day I was surprised at the wear and tear that is showing on his Bible. He uses it every day, several times a day.

This book that he goes to for comfort has torn edges and turned back pages. I imagine that if my brother goes before me I will treasure this Bible along with my hidden memories. I will pick it up from the shelf it rest upon and I will  hug it to my bosom. I will cry for missing him and I will cry for  his release from pain.

This song reminds me that each day Al lives he is nearing his wonderful journey home. To even write that sentence I felt the worst stabbing of pain. It branded my heart and sent tears to my eyes without my even realizing.

To lose someone is something we have all experienced. We send flowers, we show our love by going to the funeral home. We send cards and give hugs and words of encouragement.

But when it is all over, we sit in our own corner of life and we are forced to begin the healing process or we die inside. For me I am trying to start the reality of his journey ahead of time.

I have been in denial for a long time. I listen with intense burning at others words. I light candles for hope of a cure. I pledge myself for the cure of PD and I beg others to pledge along with me.

I look back to when my own Daddy was dying. I talked to every non-profit organizations. I walked for Light The Night for Leukemia. Yet God wanted my precious Daddy and he left this earth anyways.

This is the fight that is within me. The fight to never give up until the last breath is taken. This is where my pillar stands tall and the light on my candle shines brightest. I am going to lose this game, I know it deep in my pit. But until that day, that moment, that second arrives I will not give up. I will always have a glimmer of hope.

I will look at the heavens and cry for help. I will continue to come to my friends here at WP for added fuel. To God it is a blink of an eye in time, but for me it has been 57 years so far. If it be thy will Lord please let me have a few more years. But if you want him more than I do, I promise I will step aside and not stop you, but the tears will fall and I will be on bended knees and my heart will hurt.

https://www.facebook.com/michaeljfoxfoundation?v=app_448952861833126&rest=1

Type Terry in the Search Views and please vote for my brother. Help cure PD. You can vote once every hour until the end of this month.

http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/view.cfm?l=eng&c=18304661

Please go and light a candle in Al’s name, a group you will find with his name. Please light the candle in Al’s journey.

candle3path of trees

Daily Prompt; Share the Love


Thinking

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

Tell us about another blogger who has influenced your own online journey.

Every comment has influenced my journey here at WP. I won’t go in to the old repeated story of how I came to begin my journey of writing. But I do once again have to say one important statement. Without God I could do nothing, including writing down my thoughts that are sometimes silly to others and don’t make sense.

There have been many people who have Liked, clicked, commented or shared advice. None of you probably understand how I sit here behind the desk and reach out grabbing on to and clinging to your words.

I can’t have it both ways. I can’t be the person who wishes for a different style of living and yet doesn’t force myself to go out in search of anything different.

There is a huge chunk of me that likes who I am today. Yes, I am sort of a loner. A person who in the real world tends to hide behind my feelings. But on here I have no fear stopping me.

You have accepted me through  my lonely times, my sad tears, and sometimes my humor that comes out in my writing. What else could I be doing rather than this? I am not sure. Sometimes I don’t want to know what else is in the world to get into.

I have definitely changed through the year I have been here at WP. I have learned to accept that I am a little different from each of you. I realize it is alright to not be like the Jones’ next door. I have discovered that no matter what I try to do differently, the heart and soul of me is to be a caregiver.

Not just a caregiver for my brother, but a concerned, caring person for others. We all have issues at times. There really is no one that doesn’t feel pain  and sadness at times. Life throws many beach balls in our direction and sometimes they smack us right in the face. Letting us feel loss of friendships, partners, family members and even loss of which direction we are heading.

I am no longer ashamed to admit that I need you and your friendship. I am not afraid to let you know that I look for your comments and that I take them to heart and sometimes in my dreams I dream of you standing beside me in my own journey of life.

Does this mean I am weak? I don’t think so. Is it wrong to admit that we need others in our lives in order to remain strong and solid? No, I think it shows courage and guts to admit that we can not tarry this road of life alone.

To sit here and say one blogger has made a difference in my life would be an outright lie. It is all of you. Each of you bring something different to the table. I am able to fly off as a bird does with his worm in his mouth. I am able to build the nest that I have been working on for so long with Al.

I can now bring stronger comfort to him. I can stand a little taller because of you. I can pick up my phone and dial your number and hear your words of comfort. I have been invited to visit some. I have been called by others to be only told, I am thinking of you………

This means the world to me. So for this prompt, I am going to toss it out the window. I will break the glass into hundreds of slivers. Slivers that sparkle with names of you falling gently around me.

I am blessed. I am truly a lucky gal who has let God open my heart to write and make life long friendships. Thank- you each of my special friends and family of writers.