My Heart Is Broken
I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It…
My Heart Is Broken
I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It…
I haven’t blogged all day. I had some time to but just couldn’t. It is still hard but I need to. It heals me and gives me a soft place to fall.
Today I spent time with Al at the hospital. Then I went to the grocery store to buy the items needed for Christmas Dinner. Once home and putting the groceries a way I clicked on WP and then turned a way from it.
Now it is almost 8pm and the tears have begun to fall. It is strange how silence and a sense of loneliness come out of the woodwork once darkness falls upon us.
A Specialist, and Doctors along with Hospice had a conference and came to the agreement that there was nothing left to try for Al. They took him off of his remaining medications. The only thing he will remain on is his pain medications.
Al’s body is still continuing to contract. Now when you try to do a brief change or turn him in a new position he reeks in pain. He stutters from the pain medication. I can barely make out any words he is saying.
He realizes I am his sister, he recognizes the time but yet he is floating a little. He fiddled with his sheets, wadding it into a ball. He picked at them, he was hot than sweaty. He was cranky and irritable.
He is being dismissed tomorrow morning to come home to remain here for what ever time he has remaining. The caregiver will be here and I am so thankful for this.
My heart is broken as I realize that Al will find no peace here on earth while he waits to be taken by God. My heart is broken because all has been tried and all doors are shut now.
I pray for a quick release for him. I pray his pain will be swiftly gone. It just doesn’t seem fair, not fair at all. Being mentally challenged didn’t give him opportunities for girlfriends, marriage, a family of his own. Being ridiculed by his Father sure didn’t make his life any better. Having a heart attack at barely over fifty wasn’t right. But now this, a terrible disease called Multiple System Atrophy, (MSA) is going to drag him to the end. It is going to force Al to endure the wicked pain until his last breath.
I am so glad and feel very honored that I have had these past six years to show Al what fun life could really be. I wish there was something I could do but there is not. I will do my best to bring him comfort. I will read the Bible to him, sing to him and hold his hand. I will continue to tell him how much he is loved. I will not stop until I know he is free of pain.
WHEN THE FOOD YOU EAT HAS NO TASTE, TRY THE FOOD FROM YOUR BIBLE
A blogger friend gave me some verses to read. I opened my The Message Bible to the right book. I started reading the intro and then turned to the first page. I know I haven’t made it to the verses yet. I wanted to see what this book was about according to this Bible, The Message. It is written for easy understanding for simple people like me. I was instantly taken aback at the words.
Now I will have to say I am a simple-minded girl, lady, woman. I read and I see it in not elegant terms, but very open words. I thought about what I read and decided that this sounds so boring. I felt that life may be what the poem stated in reality.
But for me there is more. That is where I am a weird person. I am always having to dig underneath the words, in between the lines. I saw that the reason I see things differently than the author of the poem is I add love, compassion, understanding and vigor to my life. I have to spice it up, see the small miracles, give thanks to God for any little thing I have and do. I can not afford to see such parallel at this point in my life. Caring for my brother takes more than just love for him.
I have to love God even deeper. Count on friendships harder. Pray more often.
Maybe some of you will totally disagree with me. This is alright. You may have a brain better equipped to see things and figure out stuff than I do. Maybe you will even want to offer me some advice.
I would also like to offer you the opportunity to point out verses that you are familiar with in the Bible. Please show me that it is impossible that our loving Mother is not conversing with Al. Tell me that Al is not in his right mind when he says he is speaking to Mom. That he has seen her hand reaching down to him.
I am confused, can you tell? A big part of me wants to believe that Mom is here to help Al when the time is right for him to leave. Yet I also believe in God and his word. I don’t think for one moment that any evil is in our house. Why? Because there is too much love for God between Al and me. We lean on him so heavily how could any evil enter?
This is not a lose/win session between me and you, my friends. This is a time when I have to admit I don’t understand the Bible as well as you. I am looking for answers, as most of us are from time to time.
Here is what I told you I would let you read that I read.
Smoke, nothing but smoke. That’s what the Quester says.
There’s nothing to anything- it’s all smoke.
What’s there to show for a lifetime of work,
a lifetime of working your fingers to the bone?
One generation goes its way, the next one arrives,
but nothing changes- it’s business as usual for old planet earth.
The sun comes up and the sun goes down,
then does it again, and again- the same old round.
The wind blows south, the wind blows north,
Around and around and around it blows,
blowing this way and that- the whirling, erratic wind.
All the rivers flow into the sea,
but the sea never fills up.
The rivers keep flowing to the same old place,
and then start all over and do it again.
Everything’s boring, utterly boring-
no one can find any meaning in it.
Boring to the eye,
boring to the ear.
What was will be again,
what happened will happen again.
There’s nothing new on this earth.
Year after year it’s the same old thing.
Does someone call out, ” Hey, this is new”?
Don’t get excited- it’s the same old story.
Nobody remembers what happened yesterday.
And the things that will happen tomorrow?
Nobody’ll remember them either.
Don’t count on being remembered.
I don’t know how the body works. I can’t figure out how you can take such high doses of medications, guaranteed to make you go to sleep land, but it doesn’t happen. This was my brother last evening.
He had only an hour and a half sleep the night before. He was a wake all day long except a small cat nap. He was wired. Not from the medications but from the tremors. He was like a beautiful butterfly never-resting. Visiting each flower, never stopping, never staying.
As I sat there watching him I suddenly got angry. Some of you may agree with what I am about to say. Yet others will think bull crap. No matter, I have to write what I believe. I realized the fight that was going on for Al and me.
Not only are we fighting this terrible M.S.A. we are fighting the dignity battle, the loss of what one was able to do and still remember it. The depression that kicks in, lack of eating. I could go on and on but why bore you.
What I realized is there was someone outside our box that was having a kick-ass good time at Al and my expense. There was a thing, a person, a particle that was interrupting our lives and it dawned on me it was none other than Satan.
I had to look outside the box. I had to get the best picture my brain could focus on.
There is a lot of talk about God in our house. Heaven and death are mentioned multiple times throughout the day. Al is getting closer to meeting God and Satan is throwing a fit.
How do we fight Satan? How do we not give in when we can barely understand something we have never seen? Faith, yes, this is the answer. The word of reading God’s word brings us strength in God.
People praying is another way to remain strong. Al and I have people all over the world praying. Oh Satan you just don’t like this party you have attended do you? Admit it, you have had your grasp on us so many times, but it is frightening you right now.
You can feel it, you can see it, that God is going to win this one. You will be the big loser you filthy beast. You will rot in hell as you have been promised.
Al was staring at me and I kept asking him what was it that he needed. He didn’t answer. He would just tremor, cry and look into my eyes. God must have whispered in my ear, or one of our angels was near me.
I got up and went and got my Bible. I brought it back to Al’s bedroom.
Silently I prayed to God. I can’t remember which verses Lord I need to be reading in order to help Al. Please take over and help me flip to the right verses. Thank-you God ahead of time for answering this prayer.
I started with a couple of Psalms that I had been told about by a blogging friend.
Then I started flipping to pages and would come across a verse here and there that I thought may help.
I read to Al for about fifteen minutes. I stopped after the last verse and looked up at Al and he was quiet. His tremors were at rest. His head was even laying against the pillow. He was on his back looking peaceful and asleep.
I laid my bible down and looked at the clock. It was almost 1:00. God had helped me to find the way to bring rest for Al. It seemed to easy, and it probably was if I would have just considered my options.
Instead, I had been stressing about how I was going to get some sleep. I am not going to lie. I am tired as I read this. Way before the sun could begin to rise Al called out to me. But, thanks to God I had a few hours of sleep instead of one.
Life is new today. Al and I will have battles to fight. But for three hours during the wee hours of the night, the war between Satan and God was over. There was peace and rest. God had lowered a soft covering of closed eyes. He had blanketed Al with sleep dust and we slept.
Thank-you Lord for carrying us through the night. I know you are always here if I would just ask you will do everything for our good. I get too wrapped up in my earthly body. I stress and I probably will stress again. I cry out and I know I will continue. I hurt and I am tired, but so is Al. We are creatures that do not deserve your love Lord, but you give it to me any ways. Thank-you for dying on that cross for Al and me.
My God, my God
With all you can
Let me lean on you
As I am so very tired
Please God please
Let someone hear
My call for help
Last night the
Tremors were awful
We were both up
Until six this morning
And two hours
Later I am feeding him
I can’t do this alone
Already I am
Hearing I can’t eat
I am not hungry
And I turn to look
As his hands are
Beating the table
As the tremors
Move for ever more.
Here I sit at my computer
Tears falling from my eyes
Playing every song
That speaks of God
In hopes he hears
Al’s and my cries
Daily Prompt; P.C.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, Daily Prompt, DP
Is political correctness a useful concept, or does it stifle honest discussion?
Photographers, artists, poets: show us USEFUL.
There is one thing I do not discuss with others usually and that is politics. But for this I will make a huge sacrifice. The big news on the front pages of well-read newspapers is, I don’t do politics.
You know I am not going to come out and point any fingers. Instead I will relate back to the days when I was young and learning the old talent of lying. My grandma always said, ” your nose will grow long if you lie.”
The first thing I believe in is God. The second thing I believe in is truth. Next getting along with each other. Then I believe we should help each other and watch our backs. Shake hands, smile and have an inner peace of understanding knowing we are talking and living the way God wishes us to do.
The Bible says that there will be times like this, so I am not in shock to the point of fainting.
I just wish that each and every person who wants to be stood apart, looked up to, and respected would start each day, each morning with the words, thank-you Lord for one more day. Thank-you for allowing me another chance to win another soul to God. Lead me and guide me and help me to do what is right in your eyes.
Do this in the spirit of an innocent child. Open our eyes wide and be ready to smile at everyone we meet, shake a hand no matter what color. Help a hurting soul. Do all in the naked truth. Do it with vigor as you once lived life as an untouched child. Our lives today would be better. More enriched, more love flowing, honesty would flow freely.
I have gone on too long. I think you all get my point and where I am coming from. Let’s go back and start again. See who we saw when we were six and seven years old. Let freedom ring by the truth being told.