I Can Type Through Closed Eyes

How can someone, let’s say me, go from a woman who was thrilled only a night ago when Alsaid he…

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I Can Type Through Closed Eyes

How can someone, let’s say me, go from a woman who was thrilled only a night ago when Al said he loved his sister  to the wicked witch of the west this morning.

This is the fourth night in a row I am not getting any quality of sleep. Quality, an interesting word, I think.

Quality of life, quality of living, quality of spending time together. Now suddenly this seven letter word can’t seem to release itself from my pointy tongue this morning.

I am not usually awake at 7am but here I am. Sitting here with a half-empty cup of coffee. A smoldering blue line of smoke rising from my ashtray. My  pink long-sleeved nightgown with Christmas gifts for its scene. I think this is to remind me that it is truly the Christmas season we are about to enter into.

As I look out through half-slit blinds I see the first ray of daylight peeking through. Another night has come and gone. Al has just gone to sleep and I am sitting here bitchy inside. I know I am tired but I don’t know how to fix it.

Yesterday Al went to the Day Program. I had an appointment I had to attend to and then I scurried to the grocery store; like a squirrel going after nuts to store for the winter. Except I was replenishing our kitchen cupboards and refrigerator.

Grocery shopping has become a chore more than a pleasure. Maybe a lot of you don’t see pushing a noisy, wire, gum stuck on the wheeled cart down the aisles a pleasure, but I always did. It was a chance to look out for people I know, a chat here and there, looking for the bargains.

But anymore it is do I have everything I need for Al. Will he be able to eat this meat or not? Do I have the apple juice, prune juice, the kind of snacks he eats. Which by the way the latest rage in our house is Little Debbie Star Crunch or Kellogg’s Pop Tarts. Do I have his yogurt. I hope I have enough macaroni and cheese since he can eat this pretty easy. Do I have  enough pancake batter? Oh that reminds me, do I have enough chocolate chips left at home for the week? We have to add the chips to the batter.

Ever since Al has become worse he extremely enjoys chocolate and sweets. Oh crap, I didn’t check the amount of chocolate ice-cream. I better pick up another box. Can you believe I take a list with me also?

This is how scatter brained I am it seems lately. In between the list I  need to be home running the washer, which will be Al’s bedding. I really should be sweeping and dusting his room since he is gone right now.

Have I changed my own sheets this week? Oh forget that, change the sheet on the couch, because this is where I have laid my  head this past week.  A much shorter walk to Al’s bed then my bedroom.

I feel like my life is out of control. It is spinning but never stopping. I look at that empty couch and dream of my head on that pillow but also realize that the helper will be here in less than an hour and I am still not dressed. I haven’t touched my hair or brushed my teeth.

I did manage to give Rhino fresh food and water. Saving the cleaning of the cat box for when my eyes are more awake. That fat cat is in on my comfy bed, sleeping on my extra pillow. Al has finally drifted off to sleep, and so here I sit, the wicked witch of the west.

Feeling sorry for myself, pouring my tired thoughts out to you. Obviously looking for a pity party. It is funny as I look back at what I wrote. A grown woman, full of love and compassion. Empathy is my middle name and yet I am definitely green-faced and cat claws are showing, just like the photo above.

And all this is from a silly thing called lack of sleep. Do you think I will turn into Dorothy’s worst nightmare and remain this way? Lord I hope not. When the caregiver comes and breakfast and medications are over, I am going to find my pillow and we are going to meet somewhere in the middle. I don’t care if it is daylight or not.

Another First Day

First day of anything is usually a little chaotic. It is the same in our case too. I got up at 6:45 this morning and started the coffee pot. I swore I was going to have one cup of coffee during this busy bee time or I would go nuts.

I fed Mr. Rhino who…

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Another First Day

First day of anything is usually a little chaotic. It is the same in our case too. I got up at 6:45 this morning and started the coffee pot. I swore I was going to have one cup of coffee during this busy bee time or I would go nuts.

I fed Mr. Rhino who managed to sleep either on top of me or snuggled up beside me all night. Poor baby, he thinks I don’t notice that he is here. I understand, I have been ignoring him some what. Less petting moments, so he is making sure I know he still has needs. Hey Rhino, what about mommy’s needs? Oh alright, you say mommies come last, I get it. Just like with mommy and daddy, we come last.

I cleaned his cat box, then proceeded to get all of Al‘s supplies ready. Shaver, hand towel, wash cloth, baby powder, baby oil, clean clothes, shoes and socks; check, got it. Oh wait, what about the brief and liner silly? Do you want him to go briefless? Check; got it.

Alrighty then, coffee in one hand and turning the TV news on so he can be entertained while sis is cleaning him up. He was awake when I entered his room. I just don’t know how he does it. His head isn’t on the pillow, it is hanging in mid-air. Like a magic trick, look ma, no hands. But, his head will not lie flat without a little help from my hands.

So we started the get-up process. This takes about an hour. We get out to the kitchen and I go back and grab the soiled bed clothing and make a mad dash for the washing machine. Popped them in and listened to the music of washing.

Al wanted Pop Tarts for breakfast, so he made that easy for me. The only thing I had to que him on was bite sizes and waiting until he swallowed each bite. I do declare he would put as much of any food in his mouth and just keep stuffing. He didn’t used to be like that but he is now. He took his medications and then when finished I washed his hands and face and ta-da, he was ready to go with six minutes to spare.

I raced around and got his lunch box ready. I sat him at the front door and asked him if he could be my helper and watch for the bus. He didn’t answer and his head was hanging too low so I know he couldn’t, but maybe it made him feel worthy by my asking, I am hoping.

The bus came and loaded him up and he was off. So was I, off to the same place but different location. I had a meeting with the people who were going to be watching over him through the day times. I had not had the time to eat breakfast myself nor did I get to take my medications.

The meeting lasted two hours and I was famished. The meeting was over at 10:45 and I had to meet the Hospice nurse at 11. I just had to take my medicine. I darted out to my car like a rabbit stealing a carrot. I raced down to the Dairy Queen and grabbed one of those five dollar value meals. Nothing like having a hamburger for breakfast/lunch. Racing back to the company I took my food inside and sank into one of the leather seats in the waiting room.

The receptionist looked at me a little strange, but I explained what was going on and I was just now catching up on my meal between meetings. She sort of snickered but oh well, who cares, I knew what I was doing.

The nurse arrived so I continued eating during our meeting. She met Al for the first time and he was having chest pains at number 7 on our scale. We gave him his pain medication and the nurse determined that he had had a BM earlier and the pushing mechanism had set off those nasty internal tremors. We stood and watched his fingernails turn light gray to dark gray.

Finally the pill kicked in and we both sighed a relief. We went on to continue our business and I did learn that as of right now I am not going to get the help in the mornings as I was promised. That broke my heart because Al is difficult to handle alone.

It seems that to get the help at home and have Medicaid pay for it, even through the waiver, the primary caregiver has to be working outside the home. What the heck? I don’t work so I can care for him. I don’t get it. So I called the Waiver man and he is working on how to rectify it if he can.

The Hospice aides will be here three times a week to give Al his showers, so if worse comes to worse, I will just have to do what I have to do. That gives me three days for his showers but doesn’t help at all with getting him up in the mornings.

I came home finally about 2 and I just wanted to lay down and sleep forever, but I had calls to make. Getting this whole program to put in place is not that easy. I don’t have a permanent case worker yet, so that is being worked on. The case worker will do the phone call crap instead of me once he/she is in place.

I looked at the time and it was 3:30. I had one hour before Al came home. I should be folding the clothes out of the dryer or doing something but I couldn’t. Rhino came up and we both cuddled on the couch and I slept until the phone rang not once but twice.

A friend called and then the Spirit man called. Whoa baby that woke me up, spirit man? What has this world came to? His real name in my book is minister, but his title in today’s world is spiritual man.

Alright I get it, new modern world thing. He wants to come at 4:30 to meet with me and Al. I tell him yes, and was thinking now leave me alone, I am tired. We hung up and I fell instantly asleep until the door bell rang and going to the door it was the spirit man in full beard and dockers. Is this Jesus coming to take me home in dockers? Oh my gosh, just let the man in. I force my eyes open and try to look like he didn’t wake me out of a dead sleep. He takes a seat and starts jabbering then Al is delivered home. The two of them meet, Al cries because they are talking about God and this topic always makes Al cry because he wants to go to heaven so bad.

Letting the man out the door Al doesn’t want any supper. So it is ice-cream mixed with Ensure again. A change of briefs, out of clothes and he is now napping. When he wakes up I will offer him some solid food and hopefully he eats something for me.

The house is quiet except for the Escape music on Satellite. I look at my computer, and think well hello there my friend. I pull out my chair and decide to visit with my friends.

Weekly Photo Challenge, Theme of the Week

I spend a lot of time at home. I admitted yesterday on a post that I wrote that I can get deep into…

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Weekly Photo Challenge, Theme of the Week

I spend a lot of time at home. I admitted yesterday on a post that I wrote that I can get deep into my zone by cleaning. Yes, I know it still sounds just as crazy today as it did yesterday.

But, I will have to let you in on a little secret, I don’t get off on cleaning the entire time I am at home. Sometimes I will bake some cookies and take them in for Al to munch on. But that idea is fading a way. Most times when I go in now and check his drawer of sweets, they are still sitting there.

The day I see that Al has not touched Pop Tarts, one of his favorites, I know the Parkinson’s Disease has truly consumed him. They are still sitting there unopened.

Sometimes I like to get on U Tube and listen to songs. If I think they are pretty awesome, I will transfer them to my web blog, Music That Calms The Soul. There are other times that the stress of Al and the sadness he endures just plain old makes me tired, and I will nap my afternoon a way.

But, now, I have someone else to keep me company. Rhino, my 25 pound cat. He is so fat and I have to say lazy, that if he wants something; it has to come to him within paw’s reach.

Last night he shocked me. I heard my antique bells on the front door. My first thought was that my son’s children had sneaked in to surprise me. I flipped around from my computer desk and lo and behold it was Rhino.

The flies must have really gotten on his cat nerves. He had tried to attack them through the screen. Luckily for me he didn’t indent the screen. He just knocked the front door back a bit and made the bells ring.

Gee, I hope he doesn’t find this entertaining and learn that he can make bells go off and make my own bells go off in my head. It was a quiet night. I had Mash on the television in the background. It was just Rhino and me.

I didn’t realize it but for at least a half an hour I watched and waited for Rhino to do his magic act and let me see him in motion. This is something I don’t see often. He either meows for wanting to be petted, or he is eating.

Even you can get some joy from this. As Ma says in the Golden Girls Sitcom, picture it, 2013, a very quiet house. No noise but the keyboard and Mash. Bells go off and as I flip around I see a 25 pound flying cat doing the disco song to , I’m gonna get you nasty fly.

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