He has spoken about his viewing and his funeral. He has chosen where he wants to have his funeral. I liked his choice because that was my decision also. He has talked about his funeral.
He has been very apologetic today. He has apologized for almost anything. I keep telling him he doesn’t need to but he continues.
Hospice has now taken one of his medications and turned it into a gel form. He has a liquid medication for pain also and one seizure medication. This is it. All other medications have been placed in the cupboard.
He has gone extremely down in this area. From 15 meds to 3. He didn’t sleep good last night and I am so tired of being dizzy from lack of sleep that I slept most of the morning a way and let the care giver do her job.
I hope for a night of sleep, this is my goal for the day. I did venture down to the mailbox through about 8 inches of snow. It has snowed all day long. My son came down and plowed the ramp for me. I was very appreciative of this.
So all in all, the day hours have not been to bad, but I will admit that planning viewings and funerals with the patient is difficult for the sister. I am going to let him go in his favorite clothes. You probably don’t need to even ask. Yes, Coca Cola of course. If only the company knew how important their product is to Al, they would feel so special.
This is the fourth night in a row I am not getting any quality of sleep. Quality, an interesting word, I think.
Quality of life, quality of living, quality of spending time together. Now suddenly this seven letter word can’t seem to release itself from my pointy tongue this morning.
I am not usually awake at 7am but here I am. Sitting here with a half-empty cup of coffee. A smoldering blue line of smoke rising from my ashtray. My pink long-sleeved nightgown with Christmas gifts for its scene. I think this is to remind me that it is truly the Christmas season we are about to enter into.
As I look out through half-slit blinds I see the first ray of daylight peeking through. Another night has come and gone. Al has just gone to sleep and I am sitting here bitchy inside. I know I am tired but I don’t know how to fix it.
Yesterday Al went to the Day Program. I had an appointment I had to attend to and then I scurried to the grocery store; like a squirrel going after nuts to store for the winter. Except I was replenishing our kitchen cupboards and refrigerator.
Grocery shopping has become a chore more than a pleasure. Maybe a lot of you don’t see pushing a noisy, wire, gum stuck on the wheeled cart down the aisles a pleasure, but I always did. It was a chance to look out for people I know, a chat here and there, looking for the bargains.
But anymore it is do I have everything I need for Al. Will he be able to eat this meat or not? Do I have the apple juice, prune juice, the kind of snacks he eats. Which by the way the latest rage in our house is Little Debbie Star Crunch or Kellogg’s Pop Tarts. Do I have his yogurt. I hope I have enough macaroni and cheese since he can eat this pretty easy. Do I have enough pancake batter? Oh that reminds me, do I have enough chocolate chips left at home for the week? We have to add the chips to the batter.
Ever since Al has become worse he extremely enjoys chocolate and sweets. Oh crap, I didn’t check the amount of chocolate ice-cream. I better pick up another box. Can you believe I take a list with me also?
This is how scatter brained I am it seems lately. In between the list I need to be home running the washer, which will be Al’s bedding. I really should be sweeping and dusting his room since he is gone right now.
Have I changed my own sheets this week? Oh forget that, change the sheet on the couch, because this is where I have laid my head this past week. A much shorter walk to Al’s bed then my bedroom.
I feel like my life is out of control. It is spinning but never stopping. I look at that empty couch and dream of my head on that pillow but also realize that the helper will be here in less than an hour and I am still not dressed. I haven’t touched my hair or brushed my teeth.
I did manage to give Rhino fresh food and water. Saving the cleaning of the cat box for when my eyes are more awake. That fat cat is in on my comfy bed, sleeping on my extra pillow. Al has finally drifted off to sleep, and so here I sit, the wicked witch of the west.
Feeling sorry for myself, pouring my tired thoughts out to you. Obviously looking for a pity party. It is funny as I look back at what I wrote. A grown woman, full of love and compassion. Empathy is my middle name and yet I am definitely green-faced and cat claws are showing, just like the photo above.
And all this is from a silly thing called lack of sleep. Do you think I will turn into Dorothy’s worst nightmare and remain this way? Lord I hope not. When the caregiver comes and breakfast and medications are over, I am going to find my pillow and we are going to meet somewhere in the middle. I don’t care if it is daylight or not.
http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt, Daily Post
Early bird, or night owl?
My Mom told me one time when I was still living under my parents roof, that one day I would change. I would hate going to bed late and sleeping late.
I never did change but altered some due to age, worries and stress.
I was one who could sleep until noon no matter what time I went to bed when I was in my teens. When I reached my twenties I could not do it any longer. I had a children, but I missed it dearly. When the kiddies would spend the night at Grandma’s house, I slept in. Oh that was so nice.
In my thirties and forties I was going through difficult emotional times with marriages and I was a quick change artist. I could get up if I had to with no problem. But emotions ran high so some days I would seem to sleep forever.
Now in my late fifties, I have had the biggest change. My doctor blames it on being older and stress and worries. I am tired too often. Some days you will knock at my door in the middle of the afternoon and my eyes will be filled with little sleepies where I was napping.
At bedtime I am tired but can not sleep. I will stay up until around 2am watching King of Queens or the Golden Girls. I force myself to lie down and close my eyes, but they pop up often during the night.
When early morning comes and dawn is beginning to break my eyes are once again open and I am ready to get up. I often do this too. I will be up for a couple of hours and then I am ready to take a nap.
It is so silly and yet it seems to happen often. This has been going on pretty much since Al left. I think there are parts of me that not only worry about him but maybe more that I miss him.
When he comes home he and I will have to be up at 6am. He will need to be on the transportation bus by 7:30 and I believe it will take that long to get him around and include breakfast, but I don’t mind. I will adjust and I will have my brother back home with me.