Mysteries And Faith


Hope

The world is full of mysteries and yet our minds are headed in the directions of what we know. You live the best way you know how, and you use what you have learned in your life and past experiences to make your decisions today.

Lately, on a lot of different sites I have visited, the topic of fear has come up, and as I have sat here reading others blogs, I am thankful for where I am placed on this earth, and for the opportunity of caring for my brother.

I have talked surface talk, about my father passing away five years ago. After this death, my life truly did change forever. Not only did I miss my hero so much, I had also been finalized a divorce from my husband,a few months prior to dad’s death, and I was experimenting living the single life.

My brother had his heart attack, and even during these times, there was a sense of aloofness from within my soul. I was so thankful for my daughter, who at this time still lived close by, for she was a great comfort, and her husband, was a proud, tall man who would take me and hide me under his wing, during the moments others were attacking me. I had a close friend also, who was always standing next to me in spirit, and this helped me to still stand through all of this.

It is crazy, just no other word, but plain crazy, what the words WILL and MONEY can do to a person. Family that I had, friends that I had, all of a sudden changed. No one was there to guide me, but the attorney. He would inform me of what I needed to do, or sign. My siblings would be involved with each step of making the formalization of the estate to be closed.

The Will was open for a year and a half, and I basically, walked through this first-time experience alone, trying to follow the rules, the laws, and taking care of my brother after his heart attack, and wondering about my own self.

Going from living with an emotional abuser, and then to living alone and feeling that sense of freedom, then back to living with someone, but this time my brother, was almost too much for me to handle. I was so thankful for my children and to God for carrying me through those awful months.

Wills are not always about happy times and getting monies or personal belongings. Wills can express in detail what the person who had it drawn up, is truly about. The deepest, and most secret wishes come out like the ashes from a volcano, hitting you in the face, and stinging at the same time, forcing decisions to be made and followed through, that I would rather have not had to do.

When you have lost the hero of your life, receiving five dollars or a million dollars, makes no difference at that time. When you are told you have to sell items to satisfy the law, it is not easy to see part of your memories of your life be handed to strangers.

I did as I was instructed, and mourned my father’s loss,in the spare time I had. I did end up moving in with my brother, as time expressed that he would not be able to take care of himself, and I still continued to work, and everything seemed alright on the surface, but deep down, in some, feelings were churning, and hurtful words came out, and family and friends who I had been involved my entire life with, were eventually gone, and the only way i have today of knowing these people were in my life is through my own memories.

I had no intentions at that time in my life of caring for my brother on a permanent basis. I can remember back then when he had the heart attack, I knew  he would  never be the same again in functioning, but in ways he was the same person as before the heart attack, he just needed a routine. I had looked into apartment living for him, in locations where other disabled adults lived, but I was shocked each time we paid a visit at the huge prices they wanted to charge someone who had little or no income, and had limited abilities to function in the daily world. I also would notice that my brother would look at me with sad eyes, and after time went by, I was able to see someone other than me who had suffered a loss besides myself. My brother had lost his routine. His comfort zone. Although dad was not the best to him, he was used to it, and he knew how to hide when dad was around. Work that he was accustomed to going to daily, was no longer there. In ways, I am sure today, that Al suffered as much as me or  maybe more, because he was totally dependent on others for his care.

It was then that I decided to give him the only stability I could offer him, and this was myself. A sibling, not a stranger, to walk the unknown paths of our future. We did this together, with the approval of our half-sister, and the courts. I chose to do what was right for Al, and gave up my work job, and learned to trust God for our needs.

The hurtful things done and the stinging words, I have done my best to put away, but with Al’s living more in the past each day, I am forced to remember things better left un-thought. I try to do what is right, and I work hard to live a respectable and calm life, but every once in a while the past comes charging back at me, and this in turns makes me want to stay hidden from the world.

I came to start writing, because although my days are filled with Al, and doctor appointments, and paying bills, and the regular things we do in our lives, I still felt this huge hole in my life. Writing was a way for me to express my true feelings. It was like having so many friends that were understanding. There was no judging, and  no rude comments, it was a neutral world, where I was able to make friends slowly through opening up my heart.

The past came back once again as a mystery to me last night. As I was reading my emails, I came across one that made my stomach hurt, and caused me to be on guard once again for Al and myself. A comment was made directly at me, that was too close to what words had been spoken those five years ago. I knew in an instant, this comment that was made, was from someone who knew me well, and I suspect he or she was from my past also.

It isn’t the fact that I can not care for myself or for Al. I can, and I have to admit, that I think Al is much more happy here at home than a nursing home, and when the time comes, if it does for him to move in to a home, I will know that he did more shopping and dining out, and experiencing new things in life,and he knew I listened and cared about what he said, , so for this I am grateful to have been able to give this to him.

What bothers me is now, is that  I am in the mindset of five years ago, wondering why people who were there for me, and in agreement with me, are no longer around, and have never lifted one finger for support or help, have decided to invade my life once again, with just one sentence.

I am who God hath made, and I will stay under the wing of him. The Lord will guide me through each of my steps here on this earth, not letting me trip over myself. He will touch my heart and let me know that I am not alone. He is my shield against all warriors, and he hath great powers to destroy thine  enemies. For God loves me and Al.  Through God’s love, I can do anything, for he is the power that I love, that I have chosen to receive, and in his arms we shall be safe. Amen.

 

 

27 thoughts on “Mysteries And Faith

  1. just a thought, sometimes the past keeps coming up as a message that your mind and body need to face it head on and walk out into freedom…i can hear the terrible heartache through your writing in regards to this. I’m so sorry.
    One of my biggest battles in not allowing family into my life is that I suspect they will take me out of the will…it’s not about the money or things, it’s about the pain of that thought, the reality of how they really feel being driven like a steak into my heart…

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    • you know…….i was thinking that as i stepped away from the computer from posting this. i was so afraid that who ever it is reading my blogs, that they will harm us once again. i almost shut down my blogging site in fear, then i thought to the last part i had written. God is my shield. i have nothing to be afraid of. it is hard, and my legs are trembling even as i write, but i need to be brave and face them head on, no matter which person is doing this to me again

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    • you know…….i was thinking that as i stepped away from the computer from posting this. i was so afraid that who ever it is reading my blogs, that they will harm us once again. i almost shut down my blogging site in fear, then i thought to the last part i had written. God is my shield. i have nothing to be afraid of. it is hard, and my legs are trembling even as i write, but i need to be brave and face them head on, no matter which person is doing this to me again

      I am scared Buck, and i hate myself for feeling this way. i am afraid of the unknown and not trusting in god enough, i know how you are feeling, and i don’t know about u, but i was never quite good enough in my family

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      • Good for you for keeping your power in keeping your blog!! What strength that takes!! Just stand your ground even trembling, i am doing the same, can you imagine if my family ever found this, and the book i am putting out soon??!! It took me a long time to start this blog for fear of them but i decided, what is the worst that can happen if they find it? and i took back my power by stepping through the fear…i am so glad i did, it has been liberating! THE message to me in my family is that i wasn’t good enough and never would be for anything. you know what???? WE ARE and WE ARE TO GOD! It’s not about what we do or don’t do like church often teaching, it is purely about God loving us period. xo

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    • i was married to a psychological abuser. he could never stand on his own two feet, and made me his babysitter instead of companion in life. then when i thought of leaving he would beat me down with his words, instilling me i could not do it. it was hell, but i finally climbed out!

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  2. It must be unsettling for you first to run into the ‘friend’ of your father in the grocery store and then this email from someone. Hopefully it won’t continue and if it does ‘block’ them from your email so you won’t get anymore. There is a lot of comfort and encouragement from other bloggers that’s for sure. It’s like a family in a way…and you know your blogging family is there for you…take care…Diane

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  3. Like Diane said, we are always here for you. I may not always respond in a timely manner because of my work schedule, but I am always praying for you.

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  4. Sometimes, when we think we are “over” a certain situation, in truth and reality, we are not. While you may be nervous, or scared, find your strength in God, and also all of us fellow bloggers out here. While I understand the “pit in the stomach”, by the same token, Grab your power back, and do not allow ANYONE to have your power. Dig Deep and find your strength, (and I know you have it). Anyone who deals with Parks, has a strength they may not be aware of. We’re here for you Terry.

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  5. You have found the secret…. although people may fail us….The Lord will never fail us…. He is always there even when everyone else has deserted us. My prayers continue.

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  6. Terry, sweetie, those people are not with you, because you moved past them. You moved past the shallowness of their relationships with you to a deeper relationship with the Lord, who stayed by your side through it all. You learned a lesson that I’ve tried to teach my daughters throughout their lives, that in the end you will find that it is God and family who will be there. The way your son is there for you this time, and your daughter was there with you through your father’s passing, and all along Jesus has been there, is what is important. Your children are your true blood, as is your brother, and Jesus is your friend, brother, Savior, shepherd, and so much more. He is your true Ishi (Heavenly Husband), as he is my true Ishi. The truth is they are the ones missing you, missing the personal growth you are making, and missing the beautiful gemstone that the Lord has cut and polished through the adversity you have come through.
    I told you that I took geology in college, and my favorite part of it was the study of gems and minerals. When my husband asked me to marry him and took me to get the engagement ring, he said I could have any ring I wanted. I looked through the whole store and found this heartshaped garnet ring that only cost $69 and was on sale for $49. I told him I wanted that one, and he tried to talk me out of it asking wouldn’t I rather have diamonds. I told him then, no…because a garnet comes from the ugliest looking rock. It basically looks like a big jagged pile of rusted metal. But when it is cut, polished and set into a piece of jewelry, it is the most beautiful red stone ever. The garnet spoke of my life and how Jesus and Don had seen that jewel in the ugly stone of my past and my circumstances. That garnet spoke to me of what the love of Jesus, and the love of my husband had done for me, making me feel like a beautiful precious jewel. You have become that beautiful precious jewel that God has created you to be, and one day someone will come along just like Don did for me and see that jewel too. Right now God is still polishing you up so you gleam bright for that special person. If Jesus should call us home before then, know that when you arrive in Heaven many will see that jewel that Jesus created you to be as well, including your father.

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    • i am speechless and shedding a few tears, as you have seen someone i have not. i am used to being the so called black sheep, never seeming to make anyone quite happy enough, and you see a gem. i need to think about this, and ask myself why i do not see this gem you see………………………………..

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  7. Hey, we black sheep have to stay together. I got that all along growing up , being told I was the bad kid. In fact, I got a visit from my closest brother last Friday and he made a coment that brought me back to growing up, It upset me for 3 reasons…1st it wasn’t true, 2nd that was his perception of me, and 3rd it came from someone who has been in trouble with the law in the past, used drugs, and while using those drugs declared himself to be Jesus and then the End Times Prophet. God reminded me just to let it slide and remember that others often make such judgements to make themselves feel better. Belittling others is the way so many, especially in today’s soceity, try to make themselves feel better. The truth is they do this because they don’t want to face their own sins. For me I’ve faced my sins and turned them over to Jesus Christ, and their is no reason to try to find the faults in others, or make false judgements of them. God wants us to see the good in others, just as he saw the good in us. He wants us to step back and hear the beauty of spirit in their voices, look at their heart instead of what is on the outside. One thing we are blessed with as bloggers, is no one has to put aires on here, and we can’t see each other so we aren’t tied to the human failing of judging people by their outward appearance first. Instead we hear their hearts and soul, and so we see the real them instead. Through your words I see the real you that others are too blind to see in person.

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    • you always have a way of bringing my confidence back to me. you continue to lift me in my weak areas. this is the biggest reason i placed the link of my continuing picture and write it directly on your facebook page, so you could see, if you truly thought i could continue to write more than one page. you see me differently than i do and i believe it is because i was always made to feel i wasn’t good enough, and that still carries on in my today life and through my blogging. when i m nominated for an award, i am so surprised and shocked and yet happy. i wish i could snap my fingers, and raise my level from black sheep to white sheep. thank you Bonita

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      • Terry, you did that the day you asked Jesus to wash your sins away. He makes our sins whiter than snow. Don’t let anyone tell you differently. Hold on to God’s Word, and what he tells you he has done for you. I know he sees potential in you, because I know I do, and he always shows me what to spot in others as the special gift God has given him. Take that questioning of your self and turn it to questioning the characters in your stories. Ask them why they do the things they do, what is behind each choice they make, why they say the things they do, when they will show their true colors, and how much they are willing to do to achieve their true purpose in the story. Quit questioning your God given talents and gifts and turn those questions on what you are writing or photographing. Using your gifts together could be what leads you to many wonderful stories. Trust that there is a reason God is leading you to writing, and in his power to bring you through it.

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  8. Pingback: Prayers Are Always Answered | terry1954

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