THE PAIN OF IT ALL

One thing we sometimes learn in life as we age is pain. Not the physical pain of getting injured; but rather the emotional pain of disappointment. To me, there is nothing more painful than being let down by those closest to us.

Maybe we expected more than we received. Maybe there was a broken promise, or perhaps a sadness that people don’t come to be what we expected them to be.

I had this perfect life all set out for myself when I was an old teen. I was going to get married, have a family, be the happiest woman, mother, wife on the block. My children would love me with all their power.

They would grow up and not get into much trouble. They would marry and raise their own families, taking, maybe an example of what I had taught them. I would have plenty of grandchildren who would want to visit me often.

There would be family dinners, celebrations of birthdays and anniversaries, telephone calls. I was going to have it all. Life doesn’t work out that way for many of us. Never did I think that for any day would there be a void in my life when I grew older.

My children don’t like it when I refer to myself as old, so I use older instead. Maybe they are as afraid of losing me as I am of dying and not getting to see their life completed, but then that would be asking for the impossible, right?

I am learning to be content with the place God has set me at in my life, but I can’t help but think about how it was when my entire family was around me, and the sound of little kids running and laughing throughout the house.

THE PAIN OF IT ALL

I sit here days flying by

And I ask myself; why.

What did I do so wrong

That I now sing a sad, sad song.

Is this what life is all about?

A quiet house, no song or shout?

The telephone, it doesn’t ring

There is no birthday song to sing.

I look out through my window pane

My heart it aches as it carries shame.

Maybe I missed an important part

To teach little ones about the heart.

I can not bring the past to now

I can’t even stand and take a bow.

I wish I could start all over again

I’d say the words I missed back then.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

 

Fatal Love

In a corner, you could make out the shadow of a form. A blackness with no heart remaining. Blood remains stirring from where an arrow missed its mark.

This is what painful and broken love does to a soul. It breaks it down, leaving it lifeless, thoughts of worthlessness enter, drooling in a pool around the feet.

How is it that an organ that divides a body from life or death become so involved with a feeling? Is it not true, that pure joy or devastation, or painful words, or broken arguments can cause a deeper feeling than any other thing a person can experience?

Words of comfort, a pat on the back, a sincere hug, seems to make no difference at that moment. All a person wants to do is hide and perhaps die. A sense of loneliness overtakes and if not nurtured correctly can cause a fatal death.

When this happens to one you know; don’t drift away from fear of not knowing what to say. Go to them, make the words escape your lips. Give the comfort.  Be the first one to make the move. Don’t wait, you never know if you may save a life.

 

My Poetry

You were once the man upon the horse

Riding through the middle of my life

Reaching out the lasso

Saving me from my death.

 

I thought love was forever

A marriage vow implanted

Unknown to my pure thoughts

That another could turn your head.

 

I see now many months later

You were burnt beyond belief

The taste of sour wine embedded

The look of hurt within your eyes.

 

Now you wonder what I am doing

Who my thoughts are of at night

You ask if there’s a place for me

Could you make amends.

 

Pain that runneth deep

Trust that has been broken

Layers broke and rusty bricks

No words can heal the hurt..

 

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

 

My Poetry

Lines going nowhere
Quotes left unsaid
A kiss remains untouched
Memories of what once
Fresh within the mind
A look of yesterday
A smile once recognized
A touch with vibrations
Lingers within the soul
The sun goes down
Darkness over rules
Two faces in mirrors
Familiarity does remain.

Written by,
Terry Shepherd

 

 

Right Heart

Why does God heal some and not others? Why do some people get things that we have asked or prayed for, for years? How comes life seems so unfair at times? Why do some struggle so much of their life and others seem to breeze through theirs?

I don’t have the perfect answer. I do have an opinion though. I was watching Joyce Meyers today, and the topic was on Right Heart. I believe this is something that most, if not all of us struggle with at times.

I know for me, helping patients and families with questions about Multiple System Atrophy, gives me nothing but the greatest joy in my life. I love helping others. I get no monies from it. I, perhaps, could pat myself on the back; but why, this is not why I do it. I realize and remember too well what my brother went through.

I remember the fear and the multiple questions I would bombard doctors, and Hospice with. I help patients so perhaps they will not suffer as I did.

What about when our hearts are not in the Right Heart place. How many times have we fooled ourselves, convincing our minds, that we are asking for the right reason; but actually, the truth be known, we are asking for ourselves.

Joyce stated that we ask for things out of various reasons. Some examples may be status. Maybe we need to impress others in order to make ourselves feel better. If we have a new car, or a good position at work, or more money each week in our pocket, we feel good.

We ask God for things out of jealousy. We may ask for things to get help give us an inner power of being better than others.

I have to believe what Joyce said. We all need to rid ourselves of gaining anything; when we go to God in prayer. We should expect nothing in return. We should pray that God purifies our hearts, and we want only for God to use us while we are visiting here on earth.

It is a hard task because we are human, but with a prayer to God, asking him to help take all reasons away and to ask only out of thankfulness for what God has done for us, we can do this.

I believe death is something none of us will fully understand. Why do some people die young and others with bad heart attitudes seem to live forever? I believe in my heart that God sometimes takes people home early, because they have completed what God wanted them to do here on earth.

Other times, maybe God takes some home to save them from further suffering. Then there is the lesson. Maybe God wants us to learn something very important and we need to go through experiences that will teach us to look to God for answers.

What ever the case, God is the answer. We are placed here to do good things in his honor. We must have a Right Heart. We must think of God before ourselves. This is what I learned from Joyce today. Have a great day my friends.

 

Happy Valentine Weekend

It’s almost that time again. Valentine’s Day. For some it is the most romantic day of the year. For others, it is the only day of the year that it screams, you are alone with no Valentine.

That means no card, no flowers, no candies, no red, velvet box. I used to think this way, but I don’t do that so much anymore. I see the messes inside relationships at times. I see partners where equality doesn’t exist. I figure it this way. The only problems I really have to face, are the ones I create myself. Anything else, I can make the final ruling.

But, I do want to smile big for me and for you for this Valentine’s Day. For you, have a wonderful Valentine’s Day. I hope it brings you all you want it to. For me, I am grateful I woke up. I see the beautiful snow falling. I can still walk today, and I can still function.

So raise those heart-shaped glasses and let’s toast to each other, for happiness, love, peace, and joy!

 

 

Getting Over You

A new year today
The old slipping away
Put away the stale
Wipe away the days.

Refresh my memory
What is your name again?
Let’s go and have a drink
Let’s dance and remember when.

Clean sheets upon the bed
Blank shadows scream your name
Just place your imprint baby
Let’s play that familiar game.

Your body feels indifferent
I can still remember him
The old year slipping in
I am remembering once again.

I scream his name in vain
As you raise me up above
The hurt you feel; I see
I swear I’m not in love.

You climb out of my bed
You slip your clothes back on
You shut the door so quiet
Now both have come and gone.

Written by,
Terry Shepherd01/05/2016

 

YOU JUST NEVER KNOW

Life can change

Faces become blurred

Plans become altered

You just never know.

 

Don’t count your chickens

Tomorrow may not come

Hills and valleys

You just never know.

 

Smiles become frowns

Laughter becomes distant

Hope can become lost

You just never know.

 

Love will always be

Tears will dry

Heart may break

You just never know.

 

Live in the moment

See the person beside you

Don’t count on tomorrow

You just never know.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

10/07/2015

snopes.com: Facebook Appeal for Baby Born with Heart Outside Body

snopes.com: Facebook Appeal for Baby Born with Heart Outside Body.

Holding Hands

I was just discussing with an MSA( Multiple System Atrophy) patient about communication. When we think of that word, we  think of various things. A handshake, a kiss on the nose, the look of the eyes, the smell of a beautiful scent.

What happens when there is an illness that prevents communication? That is what MSA does. Al, my brother died a year ago from this terrible disease. I worked my ass off thinking of new ways to communicate with him as the illness took over his body.

Flash cards, blinking of eyes, a squeeze of a finger. It finally got to the place that all the communication I had experience with, had failed.

What do you do when you get to that point? There is technology out there that with digital ability will enable someone to still use a form of communicating. The issue with this is cost.

For Al and me, we learned over the 7 years of this illness, that the disease in itself is costly. We weren’t in a place that there were thousands of dollars laying in a bank so that we could use this new gadget. I wish there had been.

I did what I knew best, which was use a free form of communicating. When Al could no longer blink an eye, turn his eyes, lift a finger, move any body part, we used the strongest and best device we had left to us, our hands.

You see, even though Al and many others who suffer from this type of disease are frozen in spot, the memory and mind are still in great working order. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to want to say something but can’t? What if his nose itched? How would  I know?

The last two months of Al’s life, he lay motionless. I cried inside. Once in a while I cried in front of Al, because I am weak. I am a Taurus and maybe it is true what the books say about us. We wear our feelings on our sleeves.

Al would stare straight ahead, but I would see an ever so slight movement from him when I cried. I knew it hurt him to see me hurt; so I tried to keep my bright, smiling face on when I was with him.  I know it is going off track here, but I will never forget  how Al and I had our disagreements. We yelled sometimes, he walked off on me a few times, but when someone is so sick as Al got with MSA, you just let all that slide off of you. Suddenly, you don’t remember any of the bad crap, all you see is pure love.

Well, back to the story I was trying to make a point with. For me, I held Al’s hand. I held it a lot. I was able to tell him I loved him. I could let him know I would not leave him alone. I could let him know I would do anything for him possible.

Our hearts spoke, our souls remained bonded. Al understood everything in that one free communication; holding hands.

Photo taken my me.

 

I hate this disease. If you or anyone you know  has MSA, please never hesitate to look me up. I am here to lean on, cry on, scream at, or just listen. You can also visit me at my Facebook page for MSA. There you will find other patients to become friends with. There are beautiful flowers, uplifting quotes, some funny animals to make you smile, and of course, me. I am there to listen while you talk.

 

https://www.facebook.com/MSAfeelingstressed