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I don’t know what my problem is but today I have been nasty. I am short on patience and… http://wp.me/s2g4Y2-24350
I don’t know what my problem is but today I have been nasty. I am short on patience and upset. I don’t know what about either. I know that last night Al‘s legs were so frozen that he couldn’t move at all.
After two attempts at trying to transfer, and…
I don’t know what my problem is but today I have been nasty. I am short on patience and upset. I don’t know what about either. I know that last night Al‘s legs were so frozen that he couldn’t move at all.
After two attempts at trying to transfer, and almost tumbling to the floor, I had to force his body back in the wheelchair. He got so upset with me because I placed him back in his chair he grabbed a hold of my wrists and put the vice on them.
They hurt and I wanted to lash out at him verbally. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, “look at all I do for you! You have the nerve to hurt me after I saved you from falling 
and hurting yourself. How could you do this to me.”
Instead I did tell him that he hurt me. I explained to him why I put him back in his chair. I don’t know if he didn’t get it or didn’t want to hear what I was saying.
There was tension between the two of us as I placed him in bed last night. I told him goodnight but left out the important part I always say to him. The I love you part.
Why did I do that? To hurt him? To hurt him like he hurt me, wow, is that childish or not?
This morning my defenses were still up. We had a quiet breakfast. He ate in silence and I scurried around the house getting everything ready for his departure on the bus.
After he left I went about preparing a favorite supper of his. Why? If I am so upset, why did I do this? Why didn’t I just have hot dogs or some crap. But no, I fixed chicken drumsticks in BB sauce the way he likes. I made mac and cheese the way he likes it. I even made him Blueberry Cheesecake muffins and he had cottage cheese with pineapple on top, just the way he loves it.
When I was waiting for him to get off the bus this evening I was excited inside at the look or words he would say when he saw his King meal. But instead when he got off the bus, the hurt came back.
I took him inside and placed him at the table. We both ate in silence once again. He brushed his teeth. I washed him up and now he is napping.
What in the world am I doing and why? I have to stop this. I am the big sister, the healthier one. He is the younger sibling and the sick one.
Dear Lord, I have been busy today, but in the back of my mind, I have thought of you many times.
Al woke up this morning, in pain once again Lord. This is breaking my heart, and I am asking you to bless him once again. His tears start as soon as he tries to get out of bed, and he struggles so hard. He is proud Lord. He refuses my help, as he wants to prove to himself that he can do it. Give him strength Lord, dry his eyes. Let him know that you are with him.
The day went without incident, and I thought we were going to go garage saleing with family, but we did not end up going, maybe tomorrow. Al rested on his bed most of the morning, so that he would have the energy to be able to go. Lord, I pray that you give Al strength.
My son and his family did come down in the early afternoon. They looked at the pool that had been leaking water, and found the hole and patched it. I wondered if the raccoons had been trying to get into the pool to get a drink, since the hole looked more like a tear than a regular hole. My son worked on his toys, his car, and lawn mower, and his girlfriend and I decided to build a fire in the pit. Lord, I pray that you help me to stay smiling while family is here, and not let me yawn, as this has become the time of day, I have gotten used to taking a nap with Al.
From the fire being built, we decided to cook supper over the coals, so I wanted to go to the grocery store while the girlfriend stayed here with her son. I came into the house to check on Al and to let him know I was leaving for about a half of an hour. I stopped dead in my tracks, as I looked in. He was lying flat on his back. His arms stretched out to both sides. Al never changes his sleep pattern. He always sleeps on his stomach. I waited a few seconds and then moved closer to him wanting to make sure he was breathing. Just as I got a foot away from his still body, he let out a huge snore. I just about jumped out of my shoes! I think I let down a tiny trickle also! LOL. Lord, I thank you for letting Al catch up on some much-needed sleep. He gets so little sleep anymore Lord. You know his tremors act out so much at nights that he finds it hard to settle into sleep. Lord, I ask you to bring his tremors to rest, at least through the nights.
At the store, I picked up some nice ground beef, some corn on the cob, frozen peas, zucchini, and yellow squash, a fresh pineapple, and a discounted box of chocolate cupcakes with white icing, and some diet sierra mist. The bill for these few items almost made me gasp, but I think I am getting used to going into shock at the grocery store, so I think the cashier didn’t even hear me take my medium inhaled breath. Lord, I thank you for helping make it possible to put this wonderful food on our table, and for letting no one here go hungry. I pray that you help others as much as you help Al and me, and that there are no empty tummies tonight.
I took the corn and pulled back the husks, and took all of the hair off. I sliced the zucchini and yellow squash and washed them. I cut up the fresh pineapple into chunks. The corn and the vegetables I soaked in cold water for thirty minutes. After the soaking was done, I rubbed butter, salt, and pepper on the corn, and wrapped the husks around their bodies, and twisted the tops tight. The vegetables, after soaking I dried off and poured a little olive oil, along with salt and pepper and some greek seasoning. The hamburgers were formed mixing A-1 sauce, salt, pepper, and some garlic seasonings. The hamburgers went first on the coals, and then the veggies, and lastly, the pineapple. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to see and to read. Without the help of Paula Dean’s summer menu, I would never have been able to grill our entire supper.
Everyone was hungry, except Al. He is eating less and less. From what he tells me, he is tired of fighting the tremors. His facial tremors are probably the worst for him, as it affects his eating and speaking. He spills food or can’t get it into his mouth. He can not get any closer to his plate than what he already does. He ate one hamburger in a bun, and some fresh peas. He ate no desserts nor nothing else. Everyone else ate hearty. We all thought the grilled veggies and pineapple could not have tasted any better. Lord, I thank you for allowing some food to get into Al’s body. I ask you for your help on how I can get him to eat more. Please give me some ideas.
After supper and clean up was done, there was very little chit-chat as all were full, and Al had went back into the house and to his room. We all decided to call it a night.
So you see Lord, as I said, I was pretty busy today, but you never left my mind. You know my troubles and concerns Lord. Give me strength to carry out your wishes, and guide me each day. Help me to lean and trust on you Lord. You know the reasons that you are waiting to heal Al. I do not know, and I do not want to keep trying to figure it out. I have done this, and it does no good. I thank you once again Lord, for giving me this warm, sunny day. I thank you for letting me have one more day to spend with family and Al, and I thank you for the peace and quiet that I have at this very moment. Amen
Who I am 