Even Through the Night We Are Watched Over
When you are reaching the stage of nearing sixty, you can’t help but take a quick over view of what your heart is going to do after suddenly going from resting to rolling over a two hundred and fifty pound male.
I don’t actually think Al weighs that much any longer. He feels lighter but still, the heart is quickly in action. It is among these times before I grab the draw sheet that I quickly ask God for his blessing of power and control to turn Al over.
He can’t seem to be able to lift his cup, so I quench his thirst and massage his legs and then tuck him back in. I give him a quick rub on the arm asking him if he needs me for anything else. He quietly says, ” Sorry sis, sorry to wake you up. No, I don’t need anything.”
Of course I tell this gentle giant that it’s alright. It is no problem, this is what sisters are for. Then I watch through the glow of the white Christmas lights the tears once again start to fall from his eyes.
I lay my head on his shoulder and grab his hand and tell him it’s alright dear brother. Everything is going to be fine. God is in control of everything we do. Then I stand back up and pick up his head and move it in a more comfortable position on the pillow.
I roll up a pad and place it between his legs because his legs are in contraction. This will cause great sores from skin on skin plus it makes it hell to try to spread them in order to change his brief.
He is crying and his nose is running. Between soft sobs I can make out the words of how sorry he is that he woke me up. He explains how he doesn’t want me to tell him everything is going to be alright, when he knows himself he is getting worse.
I am forced to listen to words of how he is ready to die. I don’t know if God would approve of this or not because I hold no title, but I rested my head back on his shoulder and I grabbed his hand and held it. Then I prayed with and over Al. I am sure I must have sounded like a minister of sorts. God if you don’t approve of me pretending to be a preacher, I am sorry, but I have to bring comfort to a man in great pain and need of meeting you face to face.
I waited until he drifted off to sleep for another short session and then I stood back up and quietly walked out of his room. For me, hearing the old Hospice doctor tell me Al will be here for a few more months doesn’t cut it.
As I see the changes in him in this one week, I paste my vision of my brother’s eyes looking into mine into my memory box. I am never quite as sure anymore if I will see them open or not.
I walked back into my bedroom where I got a scolding from Rhino the cat. He was telling me it is still dark outside and I am supposed to be keeping him company while his fat fur ball lays there and snores. Yes, Rhino snores.
I smoked a cigarette thinking about how much more will Al’s body contract before it is finished and I remember back to the many patients I have taken care of. What a struggle it was to try to bathe or change them. I remember fingernails contracted so bad that the palms of their hands were bleeding.
I let a silent few tears slide then I got back out of bed ignoring Rhino and got on my knees and asked, ” Dear Lord, I know it is too early to early to get up, but I am wide awake. I am asking you to hold my eye lids open for a while and let me speak to my friends on the internet. Then I will try to get a few more winks of sleep before Al calls out to me again.
I have three and a half hours before the helper arrives. When she gets here I may sneak off to my room for a nap. It will be empty of Rhino as he will be on Al’s bed guarding him for the day.
I can see myself in this picture. The sleek water, guiding me through virgin territory. Any where I look will be a new experience for my eyes. Cocooned in my little space of the world, breathing in crisp air, my lungs expand, spitting out debris that has been clogging my soul.
I need to feel alive. I wish to be taken high above the trees. I want to look down on the world’s problems and with one thought, all will be healed. Life is too heavy. I have carried within me all of your problems. I am now ready to toss the cloak aside. Feel the skin tingle, as new cell growth takes over the stale mulch.
I lift my arms to the heavens and yell loud enough; my pleas echo across the lands. Ears will tune in but see nothing. Minds will mimic another soul that was once lost and now is found.
Cheers will go up around the world as another heart is freed. I will stand up and with God‘s balanced hands I will praise his name for giving me the difficult tasks I have performed. I will see his smile and his eyes will reflect in my soul of how he is pleased with me.
Oh that I might toss aside these grungy clothes, and stand naked in front of this earth and be made new once again. To take my experiences, my memories and sift through them. Picking out the best, leaning over the side I will vomit the worst and I promise I will live once again.
And I will place myself in a fetal position and you will hold me next to your bosom. I shall drink new life. My skin will turn supple, my eyes will sparkle. My sponge will expand, allowing me to learn more of this wonderous life you have offered to me.
Oh but I was a wilted flower leaning from a firm root, but now my petals are to be envied as they give off rich color and a perfume that will force you to always remember me.
Yes, life is good, but before I could see it clearly, I had to be cleansed.
I hear all kinds of things in one day. Birds singing, cats meowing, TV chatter. The ring of a bell coming from Al. Washer humming, dryer singing. Trucks, cars and planes. So many noises murmur and surround us every single minute.
How do we end up tuning in on what is needed to hear and what is needless chatter? Have you ever been in the presence of another person talking and you really aren’t listening? I have. I have even been guilty of some how muttering answers and not even knowing the question that was asked of me.
Do you believe everything you hear? I know I don’t. What about when it is a very important person talking, do you tune in then? That is what I am doing right now, listening without actually tuning in.
The President is on the voice box and I am listening but am I taking it all in? How can I? I have been told so many different things I don’t know what it truth anymore and what isn’t. You hear others speaking. I hear my friends voice opinions. I hear the news. I read the articles.
I think I am more confused today than ever. A government shut-down, is something I just don’t understand. Oh, I know the consequences of what can happen to us that try to live our ordinary lives. I know that the poor will hurt more, the homeless will remain longer. The starving may not find that one scrap of food.
But who wins? I don’t know the answers anymore. I guess I will just have to pray harder that God places his hand deep inside the hearts and souls of us Americans. I pray that peace will come over. Decisions will be made for the people’s best interest.
Only God knows the truth of why this is happening, and how the outcome will be. Let us all join together and hold hands and pray that this problem will be solved with no one being hurt through the process.That the truth shall be heard and seen. Hugs.
He Heard Your Words
Who is praying for me
I can feel it now
I was sitting here in tears
And then a hand came near.
I can feel it now
I was sitting here in tears
And then a hand came near.
I felt it glide across my face
Wiping wetness a way
Whispering in my ears
Dear child, save them for another day.
I head another voice close to me
Saying I was sent here by request
There is someone who knew you needed me
Now I bring rest and comfort to thee.
A calm came over me I could feel
As I looked up in the eyes of him
I bent on knees and gave my all
I thanked him for answering my call.
When I am weak and oh so tired
When I feel I can’t go on
I know I can turn to God and you
And give thanks for all you do.