Is This Me Speaking Out Loud?


Door and window

Door and window (Photo credit: eltpics)

I don’t know why I am writing, or even what I am writing about. Sounds crazy doesn’t it? Well, at this moment, it seems I must be crazy, because my mind is spinning like a top. Maybe this will turn into a story, and maybe I will just end up rambling on.

I feel inside that I am a body, not a person, that has many doors, that people can walk in and out of anytime they want. Some staying for a spell, others taking what they want, and some just stepping one foot in the door to say an unkind word, then rushes out into the world again.

In order for me to be able to cope with the way people treat each other today, I need to have been born in the 1990’s. I need to give up God, and I need to just quit caring about others. This would make my world a lot easier  to live in.

I don’t like having a heart that can be hurt. I don’t like feeling pain from others words. I don’t like the feelings of being stomped on, or made to feel like I am a child who is not grown up enough to make decisions for myself.

I sit here and look outside my circle that I live in, and I see many doors with signs above them. The signs read, fear, lonely, no good, loser, rejection, stress, happy, God. I have walked through each entry, staying in some longer than others.

When are people going to see me for who I am? Why do people today want to think the worst? When are people going to realize that I don’t like being taken advantage of, or pretending that life never ends.

I am weak because I love

I shed tears because I feel

I see your pain and ignore my own

I give from me, because I am real.

Lord, help others to see me for who I am. Let them know that I am only me and no other. Let them see the tear in my eye, or the smile when I place a smile on their face. Let me not hear their hurtful words. Let me hear their love for me. Lord remove the wickedness around me, bring me peace for just today. Lord, I pray, that my actions speak from love and not what I can gain from this world. Let them understand me. Bring peace into others lives. Help me to completely forgive the ones who scorn me, Lord. Forgive me Lord, for those I hurt. I keep my eyes on you Lord, and know that someday this pain will be gone and I will be with you forever.

34 thoughts on “Is This Me Speaking Out Loud?

  1. Terry, you need a hug right now and I wish I could give you one and my shoulder to cry on. You have so many stresses in your life at the moment and sometimes it must feel that you can do nothing right…but you are. You are doing more than one person can handle and I am sorry if it seems like you have no support a lot of times. Try to focus on all the good that you do and discard the things in your mind that should not even be there in the way of negative feelings that are sent your way. Picture them leaving your mind one by one..and replace them with love, peace, goodness, sell-sacrifice, caring….all the things you are as a person and that you need.. May the God of that peace and understanding keep you in the knowledge of His love for you….Diane

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    • Diane, do you know that I didn’t used to be so sensitive? I was tougher in ways than I am now. I think I get tired, and sometimes drained, and I let others hurt me too easily. I have to stay strong, and focus on God as you said. I get so mad at myself when I get weak

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  2. I am crying and praying this with you, angel Terry. It’s something that has been on my heart this past weekend. Because we love Him and know His forgiveness, we forgive and love . . .but there is still the hurt from it that I need to take to Him too. God bless you and comfort you tonight . .. and love on you in big ways!

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    • thank you Debbie, I hate having these times of weakness, but I am weak, and I have to admit it and get it out of my system by writing. i need to focus on God and also realize that no all like each other and agree with decisions. it is life, but it hurts. hoping for the sun tomorrow

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  3. Terry, I believe your prayer is pleasing to the Lord. I would like to give you a couple of scripture verses. Psalm 32:7 – “You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble; You surround me with songs of deliverance.” Psalm 32:10, 11 – “…he who trusts in the LORD, lovingkindness shall surround him. Be glad in the LORD and rejoice, you rightous ones; and shout for joy, all you who are upright in heart.” Psalm 46:1, 10 – “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble…Cease striving and know that I am God.” (Margin note for “cease striving” says “Let go, relax”.) I hope you have a wonderful night’s sleep and wake completely refreshed and joy-filled in the morning. God bless. Diane

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    • i am hanging on to this comment and i am going to high light these verses in my Bible. each one you have pointed out to me, are ones I need to grasp a hold of. thank you so much Diane………………hugs

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  4. Just remember that those who do not feel pain or hurt can never fully appreciate love, joy and the good stuff. to experience any emotion fully you must allow yourself to expperience them all.

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  5. Father, thank you for all the blessings you give me everyday. Help me Father to see those blessings for what they are and appreciate them more. Help me, Father, turn the wrath of others into the love You taught us to give and to respond with love all the hurt people seem to send my way. Help me see the good and joy in every situation, Father, rather than my concentrating on the negative and help me put joy into everyone life I come across today. I love you Father! In Jesus name I pray, amen.

    Have a wonderful and blessed day Terry!

    Ed

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  6. Dear Terry, you’re not weak … you’re tired. I don’t understand what you mean with you have to give up God and quite caring for others – why is there a need for that ???? Your heart listens and your heart talks – and so long as it does that – you’re alive, even if it’s tough to carry the burden of having to be there all the time.
    You have now taken care of Al for such long time and so intense time, so the day Al has gone for good – you will have a massive problem – because your caretaker function will be gone – you will fill lost and that will make the lost of Al even bigger. Terry, all that power and strength you have in you now that goes to Al – you have to start convert into your own.
    And as I said before … Al isn’t going anywhere yet.

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    • you are probably right Viveka. I may not be weak as much as I am tired. I will feel a sense, a huge sense of loss if Al ever passes on. Knowing me, I will find some other lost person to care for and this will be my life. YOu are so honest and open with me, I love you for it!

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      • No, Sweetheart – the only lost person you should care about is yourself – and you should start looking after her now! You are through with carrying for others – the day Al leaves you … you have to look at it as a relief and that what comes is your time.
        It often happens when in relationships where the man has been drinking and becomes sober – the wife loses her nursing roll – and the relationship often ends because of that. If the woman drinks – the relationship ends during the drinking time .. because the man don’t want to be the caretaker. So you have to put your thinking into male mode.

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  7. May love continue to spin your way, and may your mind unravel the peace that enfolds us to the harmony of life, that often can only be found after much noise. Hugs to you. Hugsssssss

    Pink.

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