Weekly Writing Challenge; Fit to Write

DP Challenge, http://dailypost.wordpress.com

Unfortunately for me health issues and worrying about oneself is something I seemed to learn or inherit from my grandmother. I was very aware of every change my body goes through.

To tell you the truth, I hated it. I want to wait for the big signs. The chest pains, the pain running down my arm. My grandma spent more time in the doctor’s office than she did at home, I swear. Her kitchen cabinets were full of medication bottles. I always sensed there was a sense of pride that she owned half the pharmacy.

I promised myself I would not run to the doctor. I would not have shelves that look like this. I wait when I feel something, but in the back of my mind I pray it is nothing. Most of the time my over grown issues were just that.

When my Daddy became sick I drew a way from myself. I focused on his needs up until he drew his last breath. Now that I am taking care of my brother who is also dying from M.S.A. I still don’t have the time to concentrate on me.

This is a good thing. It is never an excellent idea to only see inside your own bubble. Life is moving all around us.

Now when I think of  health I think in the bright lights. I never run for the gray areas of life and play the wonder game. I see what my brother goes through daily. Every minute he endures pain. Tremors, not being able to make limbs move. Going from walking to isolated to a wheelchair.

I see his toughness behind the scene. I would have at one time drove myself crazy if I would have had tremors like him. To not be able to walk? I would have been on the biggest pity party boat ride.

Now I watch birds, I smell the fresh air, I watch for our leaves to turn in the early fall. I watch for signs from my brother that he is bearing the moment. I see a smile and my heart burst open.

I hear him talk about things he used to do and I cry. I hear him beg to die and go to heaven to see Mom and Dad and my body crumbles.

Health to me now is living. Having an opportunity, one more chance to recognize how lucky I am to be alive. Health is a wonderful way to share what you have with others. To give a good word, a hug, a card, a visit, a small token. Anything I can do to offer one heart to another is healthy  today.

This style of living has improved my mental health, my physical health and my own personal views on other people’s lives.

I am one lucky person. I have had chance after chance to heal myself and with God’s help and me opening my eyes to souls that are much worse off than I have ever been, I am not bad at all today.sunlightcaregiver

Daily Prompt; Party Animals

http://dailypost.wordpress.com, DP, Daily Prompt

After spending time with a group of people, do you feel energized and ready for anything or do you want to hide in the corner with a good book?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us PERSONALITY.

I don’t know if it is because I am no longer in the social rings, but  then again that is a silly statement. I have never been in the social rings. I guess I am thinking about when I used to pick up the keys, get in my car and run to Wal-Mart or maybe go see my girlfriend a couple of hours a way.

When I was a teen, I didn’t have too many girlfriends. They were the cat’s claws more often than not.catclaws

I had quite a few guy friends and they were less into my business and yet so much fun to hang with.

Now that I am older I can even look back to when I was a young mother. I still only had one or two friends and my family and my extended family were my friends.

Today I still have one or two close friends. I guess I  have remained who I always have been. Yet there are subtle changes I see in me.  I don’t like crowds of any kind. Whether it be a beautiful weddingBeautiful-Wedding-Dresses-White, or a graduation,graduation most likely the only way you will see that I was there is when you recognize the hand-writing and the signature on the gift inside the card.

It just makes me so nervous to be in too big of space with too many heads bobbing up and down walking and mingling.

It makes me think  back in my life when I went through big-time panic attacks. My eyes would bug out. I thought I was going to lose touch with reality.roller coaster

All I wanted to do is race somewhere, anywhere, just escape the crowd.

If I am forced out of guilt to attend a very special function, I latch on like a frog’s tongue to one person, two at the most.frog I would hang with them and watch the clock to see what time it was so I could make a respectable escape.

Once out of the situation I would grab my smokes and inhale deeply and breathe a sigh of relief that the nightmare was over for me.

I guess this means that I like being home most of the time better. A couple of good friends does me well, and I can dress casual, shorts and Tees. Yep friends, I am definitely not a party animal.party animal

No books, no TV, no extra energy, just give me a bed because by now I need a nice, long nap.

Reader Appreciation Award


Jim has nominated me for the Reader Appreciation Award.

I want to give credit due to him for this nomination, but after giving so many nominations yesterday, and saying so many silly things about myself, I am going to pass on that part of the rules.

The rules are to give credit to the one who nominated you

Tell seven things about yourself

Nominate five others

Here is a little bit about Jim:

  1. I drink. A lot. There, I’ve admitted it. It’s true; I almost never drink alcohol anymore, but I do consume more than 6 liters of water every single day.
  2. I find it impossible to answer the question “What is your favorite food?”. I like so many different foods, and there are so few I dislike, it’s impossible for me to name a single one as ‘favorite’.
  3. I have social anxiety disorder. I’m never, ever comfortable in large gatherings, and avoid them whenever I can.
  4. I have dozens of pens, but only one I can use regularly. If I try to write with a different one, my thoughts scatter to the winds.
  5. I much prefer to write with a pencil; a yellow National No. 2 (from Atlanta, GA) is my favorite. I use it until I can no longer sharpen it.
  6. I recently published my first book, New Yesterdays. Readers are staying away from it in droves.
  7. I routinely carry on conversations in my head. Full conversations with multiple participants. Frequently, they seem so real that I later actually believe the conversations took place. That has caused many an argument when asked “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”.

Thank you so much Jim for this very nice award.

You all make sure to stop by and pay him a visit now, ya hear????


Out Of The Question!

English: Category:Ford vehicles

English: Category:Ford vehicles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I am minding my own business this morning. Al not being bad other than the normal depression, he is reading his Bible. I have answered some emails from WordPress and decided to get off my flat butt and clean both bathrooms. If I have the bathrooms cleaned, I can overlook the house for at least one day!

I have sprayed the cleaner sprays, squeezed the bottle in toilets, put my save my skin on my hands gloves, and have rag in hand. Aim! Ready! Phone rings.

I put the rag down and with gloves still in tact, I answer my phone. I am shocked by the voice. No it wasn’t aunts or sisters begging to know more about Al and how he is feeling, it is my ex, my second ex. Yes, I have been married twice. Foolish? Yes and no. The first was meant to be, the true love of my life, and the second was foolish. Never marry out of pity for another person.

I asked him what he wanted, as I hear from him very little. He says he is ready to come home. Alright……..what does this have to do with me………You want to come back to your hometown, you don’t need my permission. I think you are a big boy now.

I asked him why he wanted to come home, and he says he made some stupid mistakes. Like we all haven’t at one time or another, and bud, you were one of them. He continues with he has to get out-of-town now! Why, did you murder someone? Cops after you? Must be awful if you have to leave town now…

He says he messed up, and by this, and from his past records, he messed up with another relationship, but just guessing here. I didn’t ask, because I didn’t care to know.

He ask if I can help him by paying for his U-Haul, and he promises to pay me back. Now I do remember that I helped him with something in the past, and he did pay me back, but this is different in my eyes.

Home? here where I live? My ex? No, I am not going to help with this problem you have. You say you messed up, not my problem anymore, I divorced you because you always messed up. I don’t have to pay any more prices for your mistakes.

I told him no, and he started with more excuses about his health and so on. I don’t mean to sound cold, mean and cruel, my friends, but I let this guy ruin me in so many ways when we were married. I let him convince me that I was worthless and couldn’t afford to be on my own, there for  taking abuse from all corners.

Why would I help him come back to my own town?

Fight or Flight

Panic attack

Panic attack (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

She sat hidden in her home, afraid to even peek out the window. Her palms were sweaty, and her breathing was rapid. Her life consisted of being part owner of an antique store and  caring for her dog and two cats. Inside, her four walls, life seemed pretty normal, but if someone came to the door,or she was in the public eye, you could observe her body gently quivering, a paleness white washing through out  her face. Her eyes would become large with fear. Once she was at work, and her partner she worked with had an appointment that  morning, and wouldn’t be in for about two hours. The building they rented became silent. She could hear the creaks coming through the walls. The floors crackled as she walked from room to room, straightening items on tables and shelves. A customer came in. She glued on her nicest smile, and welcomed them to their antique store. After a nice sale, she could feel her heart starting to race a little bit. She immediately told herself to stop it. This is ridiculous. She was at work and she wasn’t going to deal with this. Go away! As she went about her morning  checking on her inventory, she could feel her fingers start to shake and the back of her hair was beginning to cling to her neck. She walked into the bathroom, and took a couple of paper towels and wet them in cold water. She wiped her forehead off, and the back of her neck. She sat on the stool, with her head bent between her legs, trying to get the dizziness to stop. The doctors had told her before that the only thing that was going on with her was inside her head. She was becoming an emotional mess.That if she didn’t get control of this she would end up in some loony farm. The doctors had offered her  nerve medicine, but she refused to fill the scripts, knowing that wasn’t her problem. Another doctor had told her she was having panic attacks, and that she would feel this way, but to just let herself feel each thing that was happening, and she would realize after wards she wasn’t going to die. After feeling like she was going to pass out, and feeling the trembling going on all over her body, it did stop. Her heart started to slow down. She got up from the stool, and forced herself to open the back door and walk outside into the bright summer day. She inhaled the fresh air and forced a smile  back on her face. In about ten minutes, she was back to her normal self. It had worked! She had honed in on the reactions her body was going through, and realized she was not going to die. She fought it! She made it! She still had the panic attacks happen, but each time they did, she would practice repeatedly staying in touch with what has happening inside. Eventually, the panic attacks would only visit if she was extremely tired. She would take control, and often times take a nap, waking, feeling refreshed and able to go on with her day.

Where Are We Now?

Screaming. Swearing. Things I do not hear through out the day. An evil lies somewhere in the inner layers of his mind. This is what I woke up today. The profanities that were being heard were words I have never heard spoken from that mouth. Hatred was definitely the topic for this night. Bitterness, anger was added to the list as moments went by. Is there two worlds we each live in? The reality and the unknown? When he is awake, I can observe wide ranges of mood swings. Smiles, sadness, depression, overly chatty, talking about one topic all day long, to talking about things that happened over forty years ago. Confusion sometimes enters, becoming the ruler of the day. Announcing its debut. Not less than five minutes ago, I heard the wild mumblings, and now he has risen and is standing here beside me with a smile on his face and waving at me like this is the first time he has ever seen me. I was prepared for the worst, and he comes out with his best. How can the mind switch modes so easily, drifting in and out of different worlds, causing so much frustration, bringing along with it every feeling that we as humans can have, and then leave quickly as in a blink of the eye. For me this is exhausting, trying to be prepared for anything that is thrown at me, to only find it wasn’t this or that in the end. For him, the mental exhaustion he must go through is beyond my comprehension. It is a Dr. Jekyll  and Hyde simulation. The world is full of fix it medications. We lean heavily on the reality that if we have an ache or a pain, go see your doctor, and poof! we are healed. In the mind of a mentally challenged person, there is no quick fix. You are left with years of trying to figure out the cause, the reason, the fix. You become a robot, going from doctor to doctor, hearing the same words coming from each one. This is an inner fight, that is unbeatable, fixable, most unlikely. The positive thing in living with this person, is that although there is great suffering, God, says, when I call you home, there will be no more pain and suffering. You will live here with me and sing songs of praise. Joyous will be your attitude for ever and ever. I get on bended knee, and ask God to help him and I through out this new day, and I praise his name for the good things to come.