A Speeding Bus

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On this post I am not going to beat myself up as my friends say to me. I do want to try and fix my problem. So what better place to go to get the help I need. I start my mornings rushing. The first thing I try to do is give thanks to God that I have one more day to cherish. I look outside to see the weather so I know how to dress.

I make the coffee. Before I get Al up I feel that I must clean the cat box. Sweep up the kitty litter so I don’t get it on my feet. Sometimes if I think about it I will wear socks upon getting out of bed. But then again, I will transfer it from my socks to the carpet. I try to make my bed. Feed the cat. Wash up and brush my teeth, get dressed.

By now I am getting tired because I still have to get Al up. So I race into his bedroom. I get him up. Take him to the bathroom. Scrub-a-dub him and dress him for the day. Shave him and then take him to the kitchen table.

I try to smile and ask politely what he wishes for breakfast, then I start that process. After his second or third bite I give him his medications. I try to force myself to sit down with him and smoke a cigarette and drink one cup of coffee. The problem is while I am sitting my mind is racing about what can I really be doing instead of sitting.

Before I put Al on the bus I have beds made and kitchen floor swept, dishes down, laundry is getting ready to be placed in dryer. On Thursdays like today, I have already changed both beds and it is washing.

Once he leaves I come in and take my own medications and eat my breakfast. Then I sit down to the computer or meet with Hospice. Maybe get groceries. I have to get groceries on Thursdays or Fridays. It is too hard to take Al to the grocery store so I feel like I have to get that done. Medication boxes need to be refilled.

Trash is constantly being gathered. I try to get out in my yard to do some yard work, but that doesn’t happen often. I think about the days I could go see my friend two  hours a way but something always comes up.

Just sitting here reading what I have read makes me tired. A few hours after I have been up I want to take a nap. Sometimes I do, but not much. I will try to take a nap in the afternoon so I can be ready to tackle the evening when Al comes home.

What did I enjoy through the day? Not much really. It sucks, it stinks and I don’t know how I got this way. But, in real truth, I don’t know how to stop. I guess I want everything perfect. I want everything to run perfect. I want to  prepare myself as much as I can for what ever may happen in the evening.

I even lay Al’s clothes out for the next day early today. That is crazy crap. No time for shopping usually. I have wasted it being to prepared. Prepared for what? A fire, tornado, break in, what?

How do I stop this? I really do believe in the words, slow down and smell the roses.

But I don’t know how to make it happen.speeding bus

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41 thoughts on “A Speeding Bus”

  1. Ah Terry, if you could just stop judging yourself so harshly and instead acknowledge all the love within you, and the herculean efforts you are making for Al. And then if you could just stop for a moment – just a moment – a breathe. Sometimes that is the best thing we can do in a day.

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  2. You’ve probably done this many times before, but nothing like repetition from an annoying friend. I find that getting up very early in the morning, before everyone else is awake is the perfect time of day to gather myself together and in my case drink a cup of tea and stare out the window. Even though I know I’m most likely going to spend the rest of the day from then on out, feeling like I want roll over and drop, I can just stop and breathe and think about that exact moment with my cup of tea, and the cool breeze coming in from the window.

    You’re working non-stop, and barely getting the rest and time you deserve. Things may not change anytime soon, but if you can maybe take 15 minutes with your Bible, and your coffee before all the cat litter and breakfast plans, you ought to be able to find a little respite. (Might I add that the caffeine in your system could also be one reason why you can’t get yourself to slow down? It is a pick-me-upper after all, and it tends to burn energy faster than we can replace it which might be adding to your already exhausted state). Do take care, and try not to constantly harangue yourself over all these things. You are doing your best both for your brother and for yourself. <3<3<3

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  3. You need to give yourself permission to slow down and take time just for you.

    Yes, you do have a lot on your plate, but you admit it yourself, that there are certain things you do that can wait.

    You are not a machine, Terry.
    Take a few moments through out your day that are just for you. If your body needs a rest, then rest it. If something doesn’t get done then so be it.

    I know so much of your time is devoted to caring for Al, and those are priorities, but Terry deserves your time too.

    Let God guide you through this.

    I am a list person. I write down everything that absolutely must get done, without fail. Then things that should get done, but that could be set aside for another time.
    Then I look at the things I want to be doing, and schedule one or two of the smaller things in to my day.

    Sometimes I get enough of a buzz just from crossing the done deeds off the list.
    I am sending heaps of happy thoughts and healing prayers your way.

    ~Cliffy

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      • You are always welcome!
        Yes try lists they can really help prioritize tasks. It is hard for me trying to be of any real help to you from this distance, but if you ever just need to vent, or talk you can email me here at cliff445@gmail.com
        In the mean time, if my lotto numbers come up, I’ll fly out there and be your personal assistant. Tell Al I said hello, and that he has the worlds greatest big Sister!
        Massive Hugs,

        ~Cliffy

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      • Cliff that is about the nicest thing anyone has ever told me. you would do that for Al and me? Wow, I don’t even know what to say but thank you. I am keeping your email my friend. You are almost too good to be true. I bet all your friends say that about you

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      • I feel as if this kinship of ours goes way back, not just the few short months of this wordpress connection, as if we were cousins in a past life. So yes absolutely I would!

        Too good to be true? Hardly, but have you ever had that feeling that some actions are just the right ones, however far-fetched or improbable they may seem? That is what this is like for me. Maybe God has put us in touch, this might just be part of his plan.

        I guess we’ll see after the lottery on Saturday. 😉

        I left a huge group of friends behind when my parents moved us from Britain to Canada back in the early 70’s. That was a very painful time. I shied away from making many new friends after that. Probably explains my lack of success in the relationship department too.

        My few, very, close friends don’t seem to know what to make of me. I get a sense that they keep me around for the entertainment value 😉

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      • I have always felt a connection with you from the first blog I read and your first comment. Somehow I find us as two ships on the ocean, except we are not passing, we are getting to know each other. Hugs my friends. I would never keep you around for entertainment. I would keep you around because of your heart and soul

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      • Awwww that is so sweet, Terry! You just made me blush!!
        Please stay within haling frequency, I might be
        Taking on seawater here 😉

        But seriously
        I am awfully glad to have a friend like you.
        I think we might be the modern-day equivalent of pen pals!
        Is there any way of sending Al, a postcard, or should I scan it into my computer and email it to you?

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  4. Are there any grocery stores locally that deliver Terry? Or pharmacies? Or perhaps a neighbor or friend, church, that is making a trip to either of those that would be willing to help out a little? I used to get up thirty minutes early every morning, just so I could have the time to myself. I still do that a lot, get up early, read my bible, even though it is just my husband and myself. PS, I clean my cat’s litter box before I go to bed, I have to clean it again in the morning because I have five indoor cats, but it might work better for you. Could the beds and the laundry wait until after you get Al on the bus?
    I learned a very important lesson a few years ago when I was very ill, you can’t do everything that you want, you can’t always even do everything that needs done, sometimes you just have to let some things go because you have to redefine what is important! God bless you Terry!

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    • I am seeing this with each of the comments. I am doing things that don’t have to be done immediately. I don’t know why I am like this. I do know that I need to stop. Cleaning the cat box before bed is a good idea. Yes, the beds and laundry can wait until he leaves. I have just gotten silly over what I do. I need to stop and change my routines. Thanks so much for the help

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    • I get the help of Hospice and Al’s shower aide. Other than that, no I don’t. I need to reprogram myself. Not everything has to be done right a way, I guess. Thanks for the help

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  6. Hi Terry, remember the other day, you suggested I take 10 minutes to do the ten minute, I remember thing, well, I will do that if you you just spend your next free. 10 minutes wasting time .. You are a brick with Al as has already been asked stop picking at yourself. You are one of this worlds heroines. God Bless.

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  7. Whoa, I just now read this after preparing a post that will be published here in a few minutes. It’s the same topic I came across today, pretty much to a ‘T’! A mother talks about her battle with hurrying in an article, and I wrote a short post about it…have it scheduled to post in about 10 minutes, feel free to take a look. Hope it will give some perspective 🙂 I fight this myself btw and I think just a reminder to slow down and enjoy life a little bit, even if it’s a post-it note by a door or light switch with those or similar words, or something like that might help. Totally with you on this, Terry!

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    • so you are the same way as me, wow, I didn’t know guys were like that too. It sort of makes me feel good I am not alone, do you know what I mean? And for you to write about it and read another post and then mine, it seems someone is telling us something…….thanks Brian

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  8. Hey Terry,

    I have a thought, what you are struggling with sound like OCD, you can’t stop. I grew up with a father like this. You’re also so critical of yourself like you feel nothing you do or no amount you do is good enough. Just for the record, what you do is more than good enough. Find time in the day for you. You’re more important than say getting the laundry done. Keeping that busy is a way of hiding from your own pain and stuff. It’s anxiety driven. xo

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    • You are right. So many comments all telling me the same. Slow down and enjoy the day. I tried a couple of times today, but ended up just going to another project. I am going to try again tomorrow. I think you are right about hiding from the pain, because I didn’t used to be like this at all

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  10. Terry you do need to slow down and give yourself time for yourself. You need it and you deserve it. Have some YOU time before you get up and in the evening before you sleep think of the nice things from the day you had, like a smile form Al, the cat purred, the precious time you had together with Al. Nothing will run away, your chores will be there tomoerrow. Do some chores only every second day, it is enough. DO smell the roses. You are to hard on yourself , we do not need to be perfect. The best is good enough. Please slow down, it will help you and more even Al. He will feel more relaxed.

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    • I did go at a slower pace the next couple of mornings. This weekend I tried to enjoy Al a little more. Today has not been a good day for him, so I just sort of drifted like a lazy log along the river banks.

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  11. It’s way past time for you to kick “Perfect Terry” to the curb and let “Good Enough Terry” take her place. You are NOT superhuman. No one expects you to be except for Perfect Terry running around in your head, making you crazy. Here’s a challenge for you: Let just one thing go today. Don’t do it. On purpose, decide not to do it, just for today. You’ll be amazed–you will still function, still be doing your job, still fulfill Al’s needs. Just one thing.

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