All day I felt sick. I was either nauseated or sitting on the pot. I am tired and stressed. Worn out and frazzled. Tonight I have been doing laundry because as far as I know Al leaves tomorrow around 6:30pm for the Hospice House.
I have cried today. Tears for the helplessness I feel for Al. Tears to have to watch him decline. Tears for the amazing friends, yes I call each of you friends, that have said the kindest words ever I have heard.
How can I not see your face and yet feel so close to so many of you. M.S.A. support pages on Facebook have become a resting place for my mind. No, it is not a joy to see others write to me how they have lost their loved ones to this terrible disease. But so many times they recognize Al’s symptoms because they have dealt with it too.
M.S.A. web pages are full of children caring for parents they have lost. Many are in the same place I am, playing the what is this, what if, and how much more suffering will our loved ones have to tolerate game.
It is a sick game, an emotionally draining game with no end in sight. My dad had leukemia and he never suffered like Al is until the last week of his life. I see Al suffering day in and day out.
My mom had an aneurism and she went into a coma almost immediately. Then there is M.S.A. who lets everyone know it is here and is staying until it gets sick and tired, bored and moves on down the road to the next culprit.
Al has slept for the most part all day. He did eat, smaller meals but eating. He is watching TV so I am writing my thoughts. I look around at the oddities here in our house. I see orange Halloween lights mixed among other corners of Christmas lights and sparkles and I think this is nice, although different, and Al, this is all for you.
I am going to miss him terribly while he is on vacation, but I will also keep it foremost that for me to be able to tackle M.S.A. I need to be in tip-top shape. When I want to fall asleep while Al is awake is not a good thing.
The house will be quiet but maybe Rhino will be my cat again. The washer will silence for a few days. There will only be one TV playing. Meals will go back to easy fixings. Grocery bill will go down. No Hospice nurses to meet, no doctors to see. I can sleep and stay in my house coat all day if I want.
All this will lead to a better sister when he returns. I sort of freak out just a bit. What if God takes him while he is gone but then I think, no, God won’t allow that. He knows how important it is to me that I am holding Al’s hand when that happens.
I always notice when Al is upset or talking to the nurses or doctors all I have to do is hold is hand and rub his fingers and he calms down instantly, every time. Al may not be able to verbalize well in an adult way, but his actions speak very loud.
God was working over-time here at our house. He was answering the hundreds of prayers that were being said last night. I have had over a thousand comments of prayers. So I don’t have to see your face to know you are my friend. I just know and feel it. I don’t care if you live in Australia, or England or Africa or next door, you are my friend to the end.
What is a friend
A mind with no face
A touch with no hand
A beating heart
Reaching out to me
Thoughts of goodwill
Through the oceans
A step forward
With no imprint
With no bottle
Heart linked to heart
This is who and what
My friends are made of.
Dedicated to all people on my Facebook and WP pages.
- I Am Still Standing (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- One of the Hardest Things To Hear (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- Quick! Where is the Straight Jacket? (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- Right Now (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- And I Smiled (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- I Will Always Love You (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- I Took A Break (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- I Wish I Was A Robot (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- Thoughts And Prayers (terry1954.wordpress.com)
- Christmas At Our House (terry1954.wordpress.com)