I Don’t Understand Me

I have not done so well today, or as good as I thought I would. Al has been gone 24 hours and I struggled with the silence here. You must all think I am  just plain crazy and I don’t blame you.

I think I am too. I don’t understand what is wrong with me. I slept but I was restless. The cat, Rhino rhino 2has been so noisy missing his buddy. Lot of meows.

Here I sit at the computer and I feel the biggest empty spot. I should be jumping up and down? Running through the house? Out with friends having fun? Maybe shopping?

But no here I sit. Unable to place once foot in front of the other and make any moves. I feel anger inward at what a rotten friend I have been to myself. There must be another explanation for this.

I didn’t even touch the house today. I had two eggs and a piece of toast for breakfast. I had no lunch and I had a bowl of Cheerios for supper. I was trying to find my sugar substitute in the cupboard and knocked something out and it landed in the cat’s water. That dominoed into flipping the water into his food bowl. That food was ruined where I had just filled it up.

As I was carrying my bowl of cereal here to the computer, I don’t know what I did but I flipped my spoon out of the bowl and it splattered on the floor. I then took a shower and got out and dried off. I then realized I had forgotten to rinse the conditioner out and had to get back in.

My granddaughter’s birthday is today. I was watching a video of her party on Facebook and then just started crying. I had missed her birthday. I had sent no card and said nothing. I quickly apologized to my son for my forgetfulness and told Hanna Happy Birthday.

There is a part of me that can slightly remember the person I used to be. There once used to be this gal named Terry that loved to laugh. I could laugh until my eyes watered, my sides hurt, and sometimes pee my pants. I was always ready to go have fun, be with family and friends. I tried to never be home on weekend evenings.

Oh not that I was a party girl. I never have been. No drinking for me, no big gatherings at the bar. Usually with just family.

I know, I am really dogging myself tonight, but I am a little angry at who I am lately. Too sad, too deep, too full of sorrow. I really do want to laugh, but I cry. I want to get out, but I stay in. What in the world is my problem?

People say I am not that old yet. They tell me there is hope for love still.  They tell me there is still life to live. But tonight, because I miss my brother so bad, when I really need the break, I am a weepy mess.

Please don’t be upset with me and scream at me for not appreciating my break. I am already screaming at my own self and that is punishment enough for one evening.

hanna birthday

Christmas Is Near

Christmas Is Near


Staring out in space

Winds are blowing

Whirligigs are twirling

Leaves have done their job

Where has summer gone?

Naked trees hide no other

Broken clouds strolling gently

Nippy air yet crisp and clear

Makes me think Christmas is near.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd

10/26/2013                                                                                   falling leaves


#FWF Free Write Friday


fear the nightFear the Night

Fear the night

No one in sight

Heart is beating

I am breathing

Eyes so big

Quivering lips

Waiting for you

To say I do

Silence echos

All to mellow

Standing there

Yet no where

Voices hushed

My face is blushed

As I realize

The tears in my eyes

That you have backed down

You are not clowning around

You have changed your mind

I am no longer blind

You don’t want to marry me

This I can now clearly see.

Written by,

Terry Shepherd



The Door Opened

It was Halloween eve. The skies were gray and filled with gloom. Droplets fell on her face as she wiped her eyes to keep from squinting. There was a chill in the air and the soft winds oozed around her; giving her no choice but to snuggle deeper into her jacket.

She had just shut the door without ever making a sound. She had already played this role before. Earlier when the time was proper she had went out with her friends and decorated unasked for people’s yards.

She stood there under the eaves remembering the laughter. Still ringing in her ears she smiled remembering  the tricks they had performed. She and her friends didn’t want to be home at curfew so they plotted and decided that they would meet under the big elm tree at 11:00, which is exactly now.

The streets looked like glass mirrors as the lights reflected the rain. They had an eerie and spooky look to them when it was dark out. Brittany had not been allowed out very often after dark.

She had just turned 13 this year but her parents treated her like she was still a child. If it weren’t for their stupid ways she wouldn’t have to be sneaking out of the house now. After all, they had let her go earlier.

She ran down the street trying to miss rain puddles and quickly came to the tree. Her other two friends were already there waiting for her. The three of them ran towards one of the buildings that had a big over hang. They huddled under it together, waiting, as if the rain was going to be stopping soon.

A lonely but obvious drunk staggered out of the bar across the street. He glanced in their direction but pulled his coat closer to him and started walking in the opposite direction. The girls covered their mouths and giggled; making fun of the way he walked.

The three of them agreed and they started walking towards the direction of the cemetery. The way to get there was to go through down town and then walk through the quiet little neighborhood. There was a bunch of old people who lived on this side of town. People who had married and raised their families.

The three pulled out their bar of  soap and wrote some nice little words on the cars. They ran quickly to the front doors and scribbled on them. Giggling they continued their walk until they saw the old iron gate. It was shut. A sure sign there was to be no one in there after dusk.

The girls didn’t let this stop them. They walked towards where they knew there was a space wide enough for them to squeeze through. Once in they took off running for one of the old buildings, and ran inside.

It was a chapel. A small one, made for one family services. There was a newer one on down the path that held more people. They sat on the wooden benches and became quiet. Looking around seeing tree branches swaying on the outside of the window panes gave them the shivers.

Things sure did look different after dusk. They heard a noise. They jumped and saw it was a city rat. This didn’t make them smile anymore. They got on top of the benches in hope that the rat would not climb up to get them.

When the felt it was safe to get down they sat back down and were planning what their next move would be when the entry door opened. One of the girls started to cry out of fear. They grabbed each others hands and squeezed.

They turned towards the door but saw nothing. This scared them more. Now their minds could began to build up an imaginary case against the culprit. Brittany and her friends wanted out of here. It wasn’t as cool to be out at night as they thought it was.

The only way out was the same way they came in. But, the door had opened. They each heard the squeaky hinges. They turned towards the door staring it down. The seconds became louder from the big wall clock and their breathing became hushed.

For what seemed forever they decided to make a run for it as nothing had happened in the last few moments. Not letting go of each other they scampered towards the door, running straight out of there and out of the iron gates.

They never looked back until they were on the other side, back in the safe little neighborhood of old people. None of them wanted to be out anymore. They wanted to go home where they felt safe.

They hugged each other and told the other how lucky they were to have made it out alive. Saying goodbye and they would see each other at school on Monday, they each ran for home. Safe in their rooms, under the covers, head peeking out, each of them were thinking about the door that opened.