Baby It’s Cold Outside
Well I know I was a bore today without much chatting but let me tell you, my house smells good. I…
Tonight I called again and when I heard those same words I blurted out, ” If he is fine there then why isn’t he here? When he is here he cries a lot. He is so sad. Why isn’t he like that there?”
The nurse probably thought I was on crack, asking something like that. It probably sounded like I wanted him to be crying, but of course I don’t.
After I thought about it a quick second, I explained, ” Oh I don’t want him to cry. I am just trying to figure out why he is happy there and not here.”
She started laughing and I could sense her relief that I was not the wicked witch of the west.
She broke it down a little for me and said, ” He does cry here also, but not continuous. He speaks of death here and he says he is afraid to die. I told him that I was afraid to die too, but we all have to do it. Mr. Al, you have to think about the positive and get a way from the negative. Yes, he cries here, plus here he has different aids here at all times. It keeps his mind busy. Also, he doesn’t get out of bed unless he wants to or ask, and he doesn’t ask.”
I listened with intent trying to pick up on anything that may help me here at home with Al, but I wasn’t getting anything to really grab a hold of then she made the comment that put the puzzle pieces together.
She asked me one question, do you have kids?
Why yes I have kids, they are all grown up.
She went on with her explanation.” Do you remember when they went a way or they went to Grandma’s house for a week? Remember when you went back to get them and Grandma always said they were angels? Well this is how Al is too.”
I thought back to my kids when they were little. They would be the best darn kids ever and then suddenly with no warning they were causing me headaches and stressing me out to the max. I couldn’t wait until they went to Grandma’s.
I laughed out loud at my own thoughts and she continued on. ” This is how Al is. He is here. We are strangers, new people to see and get to know. He hasn’t learned how to press our buttons. Yes, even very ill patients can learn how to press the caregiver’s buttons. He is comfortable with you, where as here, he is still on guard of his actions. This is all there is too it. He is better here just like your kids were when they went to other homes.”
It all made sense. I didn’t want to hang up this time and weep because I wasn’t doing something good enough, or worse yet, discover he liked it elsewhere better than home. The fact is he loves me enough to let all his feelings show here at home. I should feel honored I guess but somehow seeing the sad, depressed side doesn’t thrill me. But, it does make me feel better to know that our life here at home is normal and he loves me enough to let his hair hang down and be free to be himself.
Well I know I was a bore today without much chatting but let me tell you, my house smells good. I have two tea burners going. The smell of wood burning and cinnamon is filling up the living room.
Earlier the smell of Pine-Sol infiltrated every crevice. I ended up being able to totally transform the living room giving even a bigger area for the wheelchair to get through. I did clean all the fan blades on the ceiling. The window blinds are washed. The living room walls are cleaned. Every corner is free of any spider homes. The house is swept and I even had a free pizza coming for my supper.
I was going to save the pizza deal for another time but I am pooped I tell you, POOPED. Al and I had gotten a pizza last week and it was late on delivery, cold and rubbery. The restaurant said the next time we ordered it would be free.
I am sure Al is eating fine and most likely there will be some left when he returns. It should be good for two days. I am sore but I am proud. Our house is ready for the hatching down of windows, doors and anything outside. We are ready for the winter cold.
One of these winters I will not be here anymore. I love snow when I am inside watching. I hate being in it, driving in it, and freezing.
Old man winter
Comes to visit this way
He looks at me with those evil eyes
And says snow is on order for today.
He forces me to stay inside
He keeps me under my covers
There is nothing like the winters here
I swear there is no other
I live in the snow belt area
It snows from now til May
I only hope that I survive
To open the windows some day.
- Cramped (terry1954.wordpress.com)
Instead I looked at the cramped conditions in my living room.
Today I had had it. Everything looked cramped. No matter where I turned I felt stress.
Stress is the last thing I need in this house. I have enough of it without inviting more in. So, I got to work. I am not done yet. I had to take a break from where I have moved big a big roll top desk and my furniture.
I have more space but now I found dirt hiding behind where the furniture set. Now this leads to more cleaning. I have also cleaned the living room walls as good as I could. I have cleaned ceiling lights and fan blades.
I smoke in the house so every six months I have to at least clean well the living room. I hurt a little in my arms, feet and neck from pushing and shoving but Advil should kick that out. When Al comes home he may or not notice anything, but I do. I smell Pine-Sol fresh.
Back to work, see you soon, if I am not eaten up by dust bunnies.